Obsession

The moment I go on a diet (even when I try to tell myself that it's not a diet, but a healthy way of eating), I become obsessed with food, think about it all the time. That's not too different from my standard operating procedure really. I can quite happily sit in work and graze all day on sweets, chocolate and real food. But when I'm trying to eat healthily, it's on my mind pretty much 24/7. What can I "afford" out of my allowance? What can I not afford? What will I deny myself? Do I have enough calories left over for a wee snack before bed? It's constant and hard to deal with.

Another obsession is with the numbers on the scales and the numbers that are subtracted (or added, if it's not a good week) on weigh in day. Rationally, I know that how I feel about myself is more important. Emotionally? All I can think about is getting as far away from the start figure as possible, and if I could realistically do it by extreme measures, then I would. Thankfully, for my health, I can't afford to have massive amounts of blubber sucked away in one fell swoop, or have bits sliced off me. Not that I blame anyone who can go down that route. Believe me, if I could, I probably would. And I'm just too greedy to go on a starvation kick. My factory setting is over indulgence, I barely have a passing acquaintance with moderation, so fads and hunger really aren't my thing.

I've spent more than the last twenty years of my life feeling constantly aware of my weight, whether I'm losing, and feeling good about myself, or gaining, and hating myself for my weakness, and loathing my body for it's ugliness. So I guess obsession is understandable. It's not sustainable though. It's draining and it distracts from more important things. I just wish I could get a permanent handle on it.