Hope

Sometimes I feel very hopeful that this weight loss thing will really work. This could be the time it takes. It works for other people,  why not me too, eventually. I'll grant you, I've had a few goes at it, but there's nowt to say this won't be the time it works. I'm having an enthusiastic moment right now. Hope is sort of sitting in a big bubble in my gut (I'm pretty sure it's not just wind) and making me smile. I've had a good day so far and I don't intend to screw it up. I'm going to call at ASDA when I get off the train (work's finally over for the day. What is it about the train journey home that makes me want to update my blog?) and buy stuff to make a healthy chicken curry. And I think I'll grate cauliflower to use as a rice substitue. No chocolate tonight, I think.

Planning ahead. It works. Who'd a thunk it?

A bigger breakfast this morning of eggs and bacon. Since I was being so good last night, making dinner and even soup for later in the week, I also cooked a few slices of back bacon, let them go cold and then cut them up. I put them in the fridge and threw the bits into scrambled eggs this morning. It was gorgeous.

This tracking my food thing really works. I've known that since my first Weight Watchers attempt. Keeping a proper eye on what's being consumed stops things getting out of hand. It's not that much effort, but eventually, I usually just get bored of doing it. Daft, when I know how effective it is. It's even better when I plan ahead. For example, take today. Knowing that I had a heartier breakfast than usual, I added up the ingredients for the chicken curry that I intend to make for tea tonight. That meant I knew exactly what I could afford to use at lunch time. It's so obvious, and yet something that I neglect to do most days. As I said, daft!  

Back to work.

It wasn't easy to get out of bed for work this morning, after a few days off.  But until I win the lottery,  I must earn a crust. Mind you, as I don't play the lottery,  I reckon that lessens my chances somewhat.

I'm waiting for the train home and I'm ravenous. This is definitely my danger time. Between now and the dinner being ready, I could easily be persuaded to buy crap at ASDA and eat it before I have some real food. I should carry an apple or something for this exact eventuality,  but I keep telling myself that I'd rather save tge calories for dinner. Still, that'll be cold comfort some time when I've eaten a bag of crisps or a Mars bar because I decided I couldn't wait.

As it is, I think I'll manage today. And I'm hopeful that TMM got home early and has the dinner started. I really want to keep up the good work I've been doing as far as staying away from junk food is concerned. If I stay away from most things, I find it easier. Abstaining is easier than practicing moderation for me. Except with the dark chocolate. I can control that for some reason.

Update:
Alas, I got home to discover that TMM was unexpectedly working late, so there was no dinner on the go. *Sighs* So I had to stop off at ASDA for the makings of an evening meal. I was very good though, and didn't succumb to temptation. And as I type, I have a pot of chilli cooking, along with a pot of carrot and coriander soup. Both will be edible in about half an hour. I really need to get more organized though. If I had some shopping done, even on line as I used to, there would already be food in the house, which would negate the need to call to the supermarket after work. That would probably speed things up by about half an hour. 

Eating out verses eating in

When TMM and I are both off work, especially if it's mid week, we will usually have a lie in and then we are more than likely to go out for breakfast. There are a couple of nice cafe-type places in the town, but for brekkie, we always chose the same place. We are creatures of habit, and it's nice when you find somewhere that the staff are friendly, the service and prices are good, and they start to recoginze you. Basically, a place "where everybody knows your name," (but not really, just your face.)

We go there, look out the window at the sea (I never stop being grateful that I live by the sea) and chat to each other. It's relaxing and feels decadent. A wee treat on a day off work. Recently though, it's become less of a treat and more the norm. We do it almost every weekend if TMM (who works in retail, so weekends off aren't a given) is off. There have been a couple of times that we've even done it both Saturday and Sunday. Which isn't good for the belly or the pocket.

This is a photo of a plate of food that I ordered one day just because it was on the menu. (Not at our regular haunt.) It was called the Titanic Fry. (See what they did there? Belfast, Titanic?) My curiosity and greed got the better of me and I had to see what it was like and if I could finish it. It was my own wee "Man Vs Food" challenge. Seriously, I'm not safe to be let out in public! By the way, I finished it. Every scrap. To TMM's disgust/dismay/admiration? Hard to say what emotion was foremost in his mind :-)

By way of contrast, this is the sort of thing that I'm likely to make myself at home. No where near the same size of portion, but thoroughly satisfying. This was an omelet I made after a run when I was training for last year's Belfast marathon.

We're both off today, Easter Tuesday, and having slept in for a while, decided to have brunch. By the time we got a move on, it was full on lunch :-) But we were very good, and decided to stay home. Bacon and scrambled eggs. TMM had toast, I refrained, eschewing the added calories so hopefully, by the end of the day, I will finally have a few left over so I can have some chocolate. Imagine! Easter Tuesday and I've had no chocolate yet!

It was well worth the effort of cooking. For a start, I was completely in charge of the method by which the food was cooked, so I know for certain that nothing was deep fried, or even really shallow fried. I was also in charge of my portion size. I suppose you could say that I'm always in control of that, even when eating out. After all, no one forces me to eat everything that's on my plate. I could leave some food, if I so desired. But let's be realistic here, there's no way I'm not finishing my food. I don't have that kind of will power. I can just about say no to ordering dessert, but once some thing's actually in front of me? It's going down the hatch!

Today I had a big enough lunch for any mortal. It consisted of three rashers of back bacon and four eggs, scrambled. I would have had mushrooms, but we'd run out. Bummer. The Main Man's plate looked so much fuller than mine with his added toast and I had serious plate envy. But I ate slowly and what I had was more than enough. I'm just naturally greedy. I want more! Always! But, and here's the main thing, when I worked it out on the MFP app, that really satisfying, cooked breakfast only came to about four hundred calories. If I'd gone to our wee cafe, I'd have had much more food, it would probably also have contained some sort of bread, and I'd have possibly eaten something sweet afterwards. I could easily have consumed three times the calories. Certainly at least twice as many.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love going out to eat. But it should be a treat. It should be a less than frequent occurrence. That way, it's easily worked in to a day's food. But to do it too often makes over indulgence all too likely. I'm pleased that we ate in today because it leaves the option open to eat out without guilt later. And hopefully I will have another weight loss this week because I'm trying so hard to stay within my daily calorie target. I know I can't lose six pounds every week (God! If only!) but a wee bit, even a small loss every week, to keep me motivated, would be great.

What a souper diet!

See what I did there? I've been making and eating a lot of home made soups in the last three weeks. I've gone from not having made a soup in months, to making a pot every few days. I am trying to continue to think of different combinations of veg and herbs and spices to stay interested, keep from becoming bored. Thankfully there are already a few very simple ideas in my repertoire, and the good old interweb is an endless sourse of reference material.

I looked up various vegetables to see what herbs or spices they are said to go well with. I mean, basil with tomato is a well known option. Same with carrot and coriander. But what about parsnip with curry? Pumpkin or squash are great with currry powder too. I think they're also quite well known. How about oregano with broccoli and cauliflower? Sweet chilli with red peppers? Both good. Yesterday I tried out onion with garlic and smoke paprika for the first time. I must find a herb that goes well with mushrooms next. I adore mushroom soup and I'd like to find a really nice herb to compliment the veg. I love the omniscience of the internet! If all else fails, I'll use dried mixed herbs. I've used them before and I know they work.

The onion and smoked paprika soup was lovely. How to match herbs and spices to vegetables suggested paprika matched well with onions. I only had smoked paprika, so I thought, "What the Hell, give it a go." It worked, and to my mind, worked well. It gave to soup a lovely light orange colour too, which was quite attractive. The usual method for my soups applied. All veg (in this case, just onions and garlic) roughly chopped, thrown into a pot with three chicken stock cubes, two teaspoons of the choosen herb/spice (i.e in this case, smoked paprika) and about a litre to litre and a half of water. Simmer till veg are very tender (some might say mushy) and then blend with a trusty hand blender. Mine has seen some use oover the years! This particular soup is going to be a new favourite I think. 

All of these soups are entirely vegetable based, no pulses or meat, so they stay light in calories. This is intentional. I do love soups with barley, lentils, peas and potatoes in them. They are good hearty fare, often more like a stew the way I make them. So I consider them a main meal. If I make my pea and ham soup, it's stodgy, stick-to-your-ribs comfort food, and it's got as many calories as a full meat and potatoes dinner. So I don't make it often, and I have it as the main meal of the day. TMM loves that soup. It's sooooo good with warm crusty bread and cheese! 

I find that I can eat large quantities of these veggie soups and they stay my hunger while allowing me to remain on track. I work the recipies out on the MyFitnessPal app. I type in the quantities of the raw ingredients, how many portions it makes and MFP tells me the approximate calorie count per portion. Then I can go straight to the food tracking diary part of the app and add as many portions as I want to eat that meal. It's great. 

Easter Sunday at Mum's

We all get together on Easter Sunday every year at Mum's house, my siblings and me. There are five of us, one nephew and a couple of partners. So yesterday it was quite a full house and really good craic. Mum cooks an absolute feast and we all eat too much and laugh a lot. It's a recipe for a really good day.

Having weighed myself and had the result of the century, I was in the mood to go easy on all things chocolately. Just as well, as temptation was rife. There were bowls of sweets all over the living room. In previous years, I've gotten torn in to them, and eaten hundreds of calories before dinner was even served. Not this time. I was very restrained, and it was all because I knew that eating within my allowance for the last three weeks, strict as it's been, has really worked. A whole stone off in three weeks is amazing and very motivating.

It was hard not to boast about it to everyone. They all know my weight loss/gain history and they know I struggle to lose. They are all very happy for me when I do well, so they'd love to know that I was having some success at the moment. It was especially difficult to keep quiet when there was a discussion about the benefits of food intake verses exercise in relation to weight control. But I let most of it go over my head, as I decided to keep my own council for now. I'll wait till I've a bit more off, or they notice (which could take a while.)

I don't think it went unnoticed that I had no dessert, but it was easy to say that I was too full from the massive plateful that I'd eaten. Mum set it all out, buffet style, and we all helped ourselves to turkey, ham, stuffing, cocktail sausages, gravy, boiled and roast potatoes, carrots, peas, mushrooms and broccoli with bacon. I can honestly say that one plate of all that (and believe me, I had some of eveything) was enough to account for my calorie allowance for the day. I was very glad that all I had for breakfast was a banana and a coffee. Of course, Mum gave TMM and me some turkey and ham to take home for tea. TMM had a sandwich while I avoided the bread and just ate the cold meat. I also had some home made broccoli and cauliflower soup that I prepared on Saturday. I think I probably ended the day a couple of hundred calories over, but didn't do too bad for a day that's renowned for chocolate over induldence. I was happy enough with my day.

I have finally told TMM that I'm weighing myself, and told him how well I'm doing. He's very pleased for me, and as always, uber supportive. He knew that I was eating healthily, and avoiding over fatty, over sugary foods. He thought I'd gone paleo again. But I'm still eating pasta, rice and legumes, though not as much, so I'm definately not paleo. I have cut out dairy and a lot of processed sugar, so going to a proper paleo diet wouldn't be too much of a stretch. It is a very healthy way to eat. I might consider it, if I can be sure that I can do it within my current 1200 cals a day goal. Eating grated cauliflower as a rice substitue, or shredded carrots instead of spagetti is a fab way of lowering the calorie total of a meal.

246.4lb

Yes, yes, yes!!! I am soooooo pleased with this result. Six and a half pounds off!!! Seriously! Good grief, I could just run around the house naked, I'm so pleased right now. I mean, that's a full, honest-to-goodness stone off in just three weeks. This will definitely help keep me from over indulging in chocolate today, Easter Sunday or not. When I get a result like that, it makes the difficulties of sticking to 1200 cals a day worthwhile. Going to bed a little hungry? So not a problem right now :-)

Smelly jelly belly

There are many unpleasant aspects to being very over weight. Fat. I'm fat. I can't shy away from that by using euphemisms, much as I hate calling myself it, and I take mortal offense when anyone else says it. One of the less obvious nasties is personal hygiene. I doubt it would occur to anyone unless they'd been big themselves. Why would it? I'm sure most people assume that having a shower every day is enough to ensure cleanliness. But if you have the folds of skin and blubber that I have, then that isn't necesssaily a given.

I just mean that I have to be very careful to clean and dry under the big flaps of fat that I have developed. This came back to me forcibly a day or two ago when I suddenly developed a sore patch under my belly. It was tender and stung a bit. I had to lift the heavy flabby part of my belly to have a look. There was a red patch. It was moist to the touch and it was smelly. Yes, that's actually what I said, smelly. It makes sense when you think about it. Right under a fold of fat is a perfect place for bacteria. It's dark, warm and moist. None of that makes for a very pleasant picture, does it? I suppose it's a bit gross to talk about it, but it's a direct result of my having a massive belly, so it's totally relevant. And how do I know it it was smelly? As soon as I realized that it was damp when I touched it, I smelt my finger. I know, I know, that sounds (is?) vile. But I'm not grossed out by my bodily functions, and it was better to know if it smelled bad or not. I cleaned it carefully, dried it and used some anticeptic cream. It eased off over night, but it was uncomfortable as I tried to settle to sleep that night.

I've had the same issue with my belly button. It's deep in the giant cushion that is my midrift. It's a bloody cavern. I mean, you could go potholing in the damn thing. No wonder it's a bit smelly. I do my best. I wash it out, then dry it meticulously. It still smells a bit. TMM calls it my bum button, coz it smells of bum! Nice! Hopefully at some point, this will be less of a problem.

And that's it for the gross out portion of today's waffle  :-)

I'm still trying to get a handle on my hunger

To that end, I went protein high yesterday. I had cooked ham in the morning, to try to keep the mad hunger from the previous day at bay. It worked up to a point. Certainly, I was grand till about 1 o'clock. Then I had my usual cherry tomatoes and carrots. I also had an apple. By 2.30pm, I was eyeing up the jelly sweets again. But counting the calories, and knowing that I'd never have enough for a proper dinner if I ate them, I just about managed to resist temptation. Proud of myself!

Then TMM made dinner. Chicken, boiled baby potatoes,  carrots, broccoli and samphire with gravy. That's the sort of dinner I missed the night before, when I went out for coffee, hearty, healthy and filling. Although all my cals were used up, and I'd none left to have some of the dark choc that TMM bought me, I didn't go to bed hungry.

This morning, I didn't want to go down the ham route again.  Too much very processed meat isn't good. So I fancied scrambled eggs instead. That always fills me up for a few hours. I had to be a bit more organized to have time, but it was worth it.

I feel good about this week's efforts. I'm very hopeful for a decent loss, though I try to tell myself that it's any loss that counts, i.e. going in the right direction rather than the amount lost. But I know that that's bollocks. Who wouldn't choose to lose a few pounds every time if it was possible? 

More home made soup for tea is...

...carrot and coriander. This was last night's dinner. Like the pepper and chilli, it's extremely easy to make, and today, it was even quicker because I used ready prepared carrots and onions. I was in a bit of a hurry, as I was going out for coffee with some friends after work, but I wanted to eat something beforehand. I didn't want to be hungry and tempted to have buns or cake.

It used exactly the same method as most of my soups. Roughly chop the veg (in this case three onions and about six carrots), stick in a pot with chicken stock cubes (three, but do to taste as I like my food quite salty. Yes, I know it's bad for me.) herbs (fresh coriander and three heaped teaspoons of the ground stuff) and water (about a litre and a half), simmer till veg are tender, then blend with the hand blender.

The whole point, when I planned this earlier today, was to enable me to have some calories to play with so I could have the aforementioned buns or cake with my coffee when I went out. But halfway through the afternoon, I had a real yen for something sweet with my coffee in the office, and I ended up using the planned extras for some chocolate caramel sweets. I enjoyed them and they stopped me going off the rails, but in the end, I was actually sorry that I hadn't used my allowance for something more sensible, like some lean protein. I ended up very hungry when I came home from meeting my chums.

I know two of them from having been in Slimming World together. We are all currently lapsed, but talked about going back. I think though, that while I'm sticking to my plan on MyFitnessPal, I'll save the weekly fee and just see how I get on. I'm an old hand at this weight loss game by now. I know what I should be doing. Of course, clearly, that doesn't mean that I do it, hence the weight gain. It's very simple, but I didn't say it was easy!

The lesson from yesterday is that I need to eat some protein at lunchtime today to stave off massive hunger pangs.

Am I as fat as that?

I was on the train and I found myself looking at another woman wondering that very thing. I'm obese. There's no getting away from the fact that I'm morbidly obese. What a horrendous phrase. But I forget what I actually look like. In my head, I look quite different to my reality. Every once in a while though, I catch sight of myself in a shop window and there's no pretending anymore that I look normal. When I look in the full length mirror at home, if I look front on, I don't look too bad. Sideways on is another story. Which I avoid. So when I see someone else who's very overweight,  I find myself wondering if that's what I look like. It's as if by looking at a stranger I can get perspective on what I look like to that same stranger.

I know it's all a bit narcissistic, but I suppose when I'm very fat, I can't help being a bit obsessed with how I look, especially how others perceive me. I shouldn't care what random people on the street think of how I look. But I do. Go figure. I've been checking out my face.  For someone who topped eighteen and a half stone, I had only just started to get a double chin. I'm hopeful that that will go away quite quickly.  I have good cheek bones when my face thins down a bit. I'd really like to see them back again.

I've noticed that some of my trousers are starting to go a bit on the inside thighs, develope tears along the seams.  I hope they last a bit longer with a little care and repair. Perhaps I could be a size smaller when I have to replace them. I love ASDA's clothes as I lose weight. They're cheap, so I never mind if I need to buy smaller ones a couple of months later. 

Dinner last night...

... I made myself quite the gargantuan bowl of curried pork and egg noodles, all totted up and within allowance. The train had run late, TMM had worked late and there was no dinner made. So it was after seven before I was sitting down to eat. I was famished. As we say in Belfast, I could've eaten the leg of a scabby wain. I was just over half way through when I realized I was full. And guess what. I actually stopped eating and put the left overs in the kitchen. That's not at all like me. It just shows that I'm in the zone at the minute.  I knew that if I was hungry again later, I could eat the rest of it, but I'm counting it as a major win that I didn't keep eating, just for the sake of it, and just because I could afford to. So I had a few squares of my dark chocolate later and was still on target.

Pleased with yesterday

Yesterday was a bit tough in parts. I didn't plan my food out very well, so ended up quite hungry by the end of the day. I had some of the pepper soup left over, some chicken breast and some home made sweet and sour from a couple of nights ago. I didn't want any of it to go to waste, so I ended up having quite a mixed up brunch. That got through at least two thirds of the day's allowance.

When The Main Man came home from work, he had pizza and garlic bread. There was no way I could have that and remain within my cals, unless I just had a single slice of each. No way that would be satisfying.  So I stuck with some fruit, pepsi max and a cup of tea (I drink tea and coffee black, so no cals wasted on milk) I had just enough left to have one ten grammes square of 85% cocoa dark chocolate. And despite feeling a bit hungry at the end of the day, I finished bang on target. It's not ideal to be hungry, but it's nothing to be afraid of either. That's part of my problem, I think. I eat all the time. I never let myself feel hunger. I overeat at a sitting, so I don't recognize my own stomach's feeling of fullness. But I'm pleased with how yesterday went. It was a good start to a new weight loss week.

I'm feeling lighthearted again today. I started last week feeling exactly the same way. Lighter of body, mind and spirit. Must be because I'm happier with my food control. I had a real spring in my step as I walked from the train station and my head was held high. That's very different to how I've felt on occasion when I've been uber conscious of how big I am. I felt good as I got dressed this morning too. I put on a pair of trousers, knowing that they wouldn't be getting tighter than they were last week. Big grins all round :-D

252.8lb

I weighed myself first thing today. Well, the routine is to get weighed as soon as I get out of bed, naked, after a shit and before I eat anything. Can't get any lighter than that, can I? 

I'm down by a pound and a half. I'll take that, thank you very much. That's 1.5 lb off after only six days, instead of seven, when half of those days went over target. Bloody good result. Now, would I like to have lost a bit more? Of course. Just a pound more would have taken me just below eighteen stone, thus into a new bracket, the seventeens. But I will aim for that next week. I'm determined to stay properly on track more this week. I've done a full fortnight now, so maybe I will even suggest a couple of short walks after dinner to TMM. Start to get some gentle exercise.

My daily calorie goal this week is 1200 per day. That's down by ten cals daily since I adjusted my weight on the MyFitnessPal app this morning. I still think that it's a very low goal for a woman of my weight, and I don't always find it easy to stay within it. Days off can be especially tough. I'm sitting about the house, the kitchen is so handy. Coffee and chocolate are just an arm's reach away. So far, I've managed to resist. I try not to have too much sweet stuff about the house. Of course, The Main Man has the odd choccy bar or packet of biscuit, but I try my best to ignore those. It wouldn't be fair to ask him not to bring things like that in to his own home. I have been quite proud of the fact that he bought me a 100g bar of 85% dark chocolate last week and I only ate three of the ten squares on evening. I can eat that stuff very slowly, savouring each mouthful, letting a little melt with a sip of tea or coffee (dark chocolate is particularly good with black coffee, but it's a very high caffeine treat, so not great last thing at night.) So there has been three quarters of a bar of chocolate in the cupboard for a few day, and I haven't just mindlessly eaten it. 

I don't have many cals left for dinner today, so there'll be not chocolate tonight. It's Easter Sunday, this day week. TMM and I are going to Mum's for dinner, so I will weigh myself that morning and try to save a few cals for choc that day. Till then, I'm going to try to be good.

Keeping it secret makes it a bit harder

I've fallen foul of my need for secrecy again. I didn't tell Mum about watching what I'm eating, and she made a lovely dinner last night, which I ate with appreciation. But it was relatively high calorie compared to what I've eaten this week. It was lamb, veg and potato rosti. Everything was okay except the rosti. Lamb is a rich meat, but it's not as if I ate a whole leg, so that was okay. But the rosti were from Marks & Spencer, so they were mass produced. Very nice, but not entirely healthy. And definitely not low calorie. Still, Mum makes quite small portions in comparison to what TMM and I dish up, so it wasn't entirely beyond redemption. I mean, she's not stingy with her food. Far from it. And I never leave a meal hungry. But TMM and I are completely greedy hallions, so we really pile the plate up.  

She then handed me a bowl of stewed apple with natural yogurt and toasted seeds. I couldn't turn it down. Well, in fairness, I didn't want to turn it down. Again, it wasn't a massive portion, but it was more than enough. And it was a sensible sized portion that any normal mortal would have been more than happy with. I was more than happy with it. It was delicious, and a really nice dessert. Healthy too. There weren't too many seeds to make it heavy in cals. In all, I was a very full, satisfied wee bunny after dinner last night, and only a couple of hundred cals over. Then, yes, there's more, she gave me a square of dark chocolate. About ten grammes worth, I reckon. And it would have been totally out of character to refuse it, so I didn't. I really don't want to tip her off yet about the weight loss. So I took the hit. 

Today, TMM and I met for lunch. He was working in the morning, so we went to a local cafe and had a burger each. It wasn't the best choice on the menu, but as it wasn't the worst either I didn't feel too guilty. But after a breakfast of scrambled eggs and smoked salmon on toast, it's made for another day over my target. I had no spread on my toast at brekkie, and the toast was low cal Nimble bread, so some consolation there. But the last two days haven't been great. When I ate out last week, it was doable because I'd had a light breakfast. That wasn't the case today. I'd forgotten that until I wrote it down. That's what I mean about writing keeping me accountable. Even if it's after the fact, it's useful. I can act on it next time.

In order to make up for a cooked breakfast and quite a heavy lunch, I made my homemade Sweet Red Pepper and Chilli Soup for tea. TMM won't eat much in the evening after we've eaten lunch out, but I get hungry again later, so I need to, or I will go to bed feeling very deprived. The soup is a go to idea for something low in cals, but high in fibre and general satisfaction. It has the bonus benefit that I can eat as much of it as I like, without feeling as if I'm over indulging. TMM won't eat this at all, as he thinks that the five spice in it is the devil's vomit, so it's all mine! Teehee.

It's simply made, and quickly prepared. It's just the cooking time that slows it down slightly. I take three red peppers and three onions, chop them very roughly and throw into a large pot. Add three chicken stock cubes. This makes the recipe quite high in salt, so I'd recommend doing that to taste. Two might be enough for someone else. Then I add some chilli flakes, Chinese Five Spice and powdered sweetener. Again these are to taste. I use about two teaspoons of five spice and a good heaped teaspoon of the dried chilli flakes. That makes for a relatively spicy soup. I use about two tablespoons of sweetener. To all this, I add about a litre of water and see how gloopy that makes it. It's easy to add more later if it's too thick. I let it simmer for ages, till the onions and peppers are really soft. Then blend it all with a hand held blender. Et voila! Sweet red pepper and chilli soup. This is also really tasty as a pasta sauce. Just add a lot less water and once it's blended to more of a thick sauce consistancy rather than a soup, add cooked chicken and/or smoked bacon, possibly mushrooms too. It's yummy that way. 

The last couple of days lead me to try not to have my hopes too high for my weigh in tomorrow. I'm weighing after only six days instead of seven, and I haven't stuck to 1240 cals for three out of those six days. A two pound loss does not seem likely to be on the cards. I will try to content myself with whatever happens (easy said!) However, even my slightly off days have been low in cals when weighed against how I was eating two weeks ago, so I'm hopeful of a small loss, and I'm happy that I'm getting a little healthier every day, regardless of what I do or don't lose this week.

Not eating breakfast

This eating very little early in the day is definitely keeping me within calories. I doubt very much that it would be considered ideal but so long as it works, I'm not going to knock it. If a banana and a coffee are enough to start my day off and keep my calorie usage to a minimum, who am I to argue?

The MyFitnessPal app always sends a wee reminder. "You have forgotten to log your breakfast. Would you like to do so now?" It makes me feel quite naughty. So sometimes I will enter a black coffee when I have one, even if it's not really at breakfast time, just to appease the app! How daft is that!

There have been a few days when I have eaten only fruit or raw carrots at lunch time. Again, it keeps calories low, but it also means that I'm very hungry by the end of the working day. If it's a day when I finish at 4pm, then I can easily get by. I get the train home and make dinner early. But on a day when I finish at five, that hour makes all the difference. I end up famished! I've had a chicken breast on a few occasions. That wee lump of protein for lunch really tided me over, so although it ate into the lump sum of calories that I was keeping for tea, it was worth using. 

When I'm feeling this good, this in control, I can hardly believe that I let myself start to gain weight again, never mind become so hugely fat again. I can't believe I get so complacent again as to let it happen. Again. Well, at least I'm on the way down again. Having said that, it's depressing to think that I have such a long road ahead, but I try to keep things in perspective. One step at a time.

I'm thinking of weighing myself on Sunday this week, and continuing with Sunday weigh ins from now on. I just prefer the idea of not being in a hurry on the morning that I step on the scales. My most recent attempt with WeightWatchers was online, and I weighed on a Sunday. I was quite successful (despite eventually gaining again) so maybe Sunday scale hops will be lucky - so long as I manage to keep it off this time. 

Staying schtum for a while

First off, happy St Patrick's Day!

I wonder how long it will be before my weight loss becomes noticeable. I didn't tell TMM I lost weight this week. He doesn't know that I weighed myself in the first place, just knows that I'm steering clear of shity food. I want to stay quiet about it to everyone else too. I've been here too many times before. So I'm not going to tell Mum either. At over eighteen stone, it's going to be some time before anything is apparent. Mum means well. She's very supportive, but it's just more pressure when people know. I'll go to see her tomorrow after work and I'll stay the night as I usually do. I will just eat what is set in front of me for tea and breakfast, and I'll work round planning my food for the rest of the day. I really would like to stay schtum till she notices for herself. That will take months at my size, so I don't know if I will manage it. I'm not great at keeping stuff about myself quiet (kind of obvious, as I'm blogging to the possibility of no one and/or everyone on the interweb!) so I might give in after a while. 

Not a triumphant day yesterday. The Main Man called me, as I was getting the train after work, to say he was getting the bits in for tea. Great, I didn't have to cook. It's a beautiful thing, to be cooked for, especially after a day's work. But his tea consisted of chips, egg, beans and sausages. All of those things are dead on individually, or even all together in moderation, but the plateful he gave me was far from moderate. And because it'd been cooked for me, there was no way I was turning it down. My will power just wasn't good enough to eat only two of the four sausages, or one of the two eggs. Damn. This is part of the problem of not fully disclosing my eating plans to him. I should still have left some of the food. Two of the sausages could have been kept for the next day. It would have made all the difference to my cal total for the day.

But let me look at the positive side of this. I stopped there. I know I said something similar two days ago, after the jelly sweets incident, but it's true of yesterday too. Depending on my frame of mind, I could easily have thought, "Oh fuck it! I'll just have some chocolate or ice cream now. I might as well. I've ruined the day anyway." Instead, I totted up how over my calorie allowance I went, wrote it down (well, typed it into my phone) and moved on. I made some lemongrass and ginger tea and didn't eat any of The Main Man's caramel wafer biscuits. 

The other thing to bear in mind is that I need to keep yesterday's food in perspective.  Even at a couple of hundred calories over, it was still only a 1400 calorie day. That's not a fat day by any adult female standards especially an obese adult female. 

So I can try to eat slightly fewer calls today (I will take charge of cooking the tea) and maybe suggest a short walk with TMM. That would make me feel as if I'd made an effort.

Mmmm. Temptation's a bitch!

I had my first little hiccup yesterday, food wise. I was bored with what I planned to eat at work. It was just more of the same. Cherry tomatoes, carrots and possibly an apple. All low cal so I'd have lots of cals to play with for cooking dinner for The Main Man and me. But I heard the call of temptation. Heard it and answered it. I bought a bag of jelly sweets. It wasn't the biggest bag in the world, 100g, and it was all I had. I didn't go back for more. That in itself was a triumph. Usually I would have had at least two more bags of sweets, or some chocolate. I very much enjoyed them and made sure to eat them slowly, figuring if I was going to eat off plan, I would bloody well savour my ill gotten gains.

I checked how many calories were in 100g of jelly sweets and added them to my food diary for the day. It left me a little lighter for my evening meal than I'd wanted, but I'm glad I counted them in and didn't cheat. And when I made TMM pasta to go with his bolognese sauce, I shredded carrots into fine strips and used them like spaghetti.  It cut the calories of my dinner considerably and still gave me a very satisfying meal. So I dealt with my unplanned deviation. Yay me! I'm genuinely quite proud of myself. 

I should probably take that as a warning not to get stuck in a rut where my meals, especially at work, are concerned,  otherwise I will find myself facing that sort of challenge on a regular basis.  And just because I fared well today, there's no guarantee that I will succeed the next time.

As it turned out, by the end of the day, I even had 200 cals over so I had a couple of squares of very dark chocolate with a cup of tea while TMM and I watched telly. I'm really going to try not to do that every evening though, or I'll come to expect it and use the calories without thinking. I don't want to get into the habit of mindless eating.

Obsession

The moment I go on a diet (even when I try to tell myself that it's not a diet, but a healthy way of eating), I become obsessed with food, think about it all the time. That's not too different from my standard operating procedure really. I can quite happily sit in work and graze all day on sweets, chocolate and real food. But when I'm trying to eat healthily, it's on my mind pretty much 24/7. What can I "afford" out of my allowance? What can I not afford? What will I deny myself? Do I have enough calories left over for a wee snack before bed? It's constant and hard to deal with.

Another obsession is with the numbers on the scales and the numbers that are subtracted (or added, if it's not a good week) on weigh in day. Rationally, I know that how I feel about myself is more important. Emotionally? All I can think about is getting as far away from the start figure as possible, and if I could realistically do it by extreme measures, then I would. Thankfully, for my health, I can't afford to have massive amounts of blubber sucked away in one fell swoop, or have bits sliced off me. Not that I blame anyone who can go down that route. Believe me, if I could, I probably would. And I'm just too greedy to go on a starvation kick. My factory setting is over indulgence, I barely have a passing acquaintance with moderation, so fads and hunger really aren't my thing.

I've spent more than the last twenty years of my life feeling constantly aware of my weight, whether I'm losing, and feeling good about myself, or gaining, and hating myself for my weakness, and loathing my body for it's ugliness. So I guess obsession is understandable. It's not sustainable though. It's draining and it distracts from more important things. I just wish I could get a permanent handle on it.

254.2lb

Result! Yeah Baby! I can so live with a six pound loss as a first week result. I'm very pleased with that. I know the first week tends to have a higher loss than following weeks, so it won't be this much again, but it's an encouraging start. And it makes it easier to continue and start a fresh week.

I actually felt lighter on the walk to the train station this morning. All five or six minutes of it :-) I know it's psychological. I can't possibly be feeling the difference of six pounds off a total of 260, but it felt good. I'm in a great mood, lighter physically and emotionally. I know what I'm like from previous experiences of weight loss. I'm a bit gung ho for a few weeks, finding it relatively easy to stick to an allowance, but as weeks go on, I lose motivation, become complacent and stop being careful. And that's what I need to change. I have to finally come round to the idea that it's not a part time fix. I need a lifestyle overhaul. I wish I could get my head round the idea that food is something I need to deal with for life. Getting to a healthy weight within a couple of years is all very well (I'd like to be fit and fifty, so I've nearly three years) but once at a healthy weight, ideally I'd like to stay there. It just feels as if I'll always have to be on my guard around food. And that sounds like no fun at all.

Nervous

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I'm actually nervous about weighing myself in the morning. Alone, sans audience, on my own bathroom scales! Daft!

Toiling in obscurity. Thankfully.

It's as well that this blog is in some pokey, dusty, deserted corner of the interweb. Thank God it isn't really going to be read by anyone except me. If anyone has happened to stumble upon it, I apologize. It's boring as Hell! It's literally, "Woke up, ate some food, counted the calories, thought about how fat I am, got a bit angsty, self indulgent and over analytical about it, went to bed." I.E it's a pile of shite. And I write it over and over again, every day (if you can call six consecutive days, thus far, every day) Boring! But I think I'll stick with it. It sort of makes me feel accountable, in a weird way. It actually helps me almost as much as keeping track of my food does. It feeds in to my compulsive nature and gives me a feeling of control. If anyone elses ever reads it, and gets something out of it, then bonus. But they'd be better off with a real weight loss blog or book, like "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl" by Shauna Reid. That's fab and truly inspirational. Plus, it's sort of finished. You can see where she gets to in life. Me, I'm just a forty-seven year old work in progress. Very much in progress!

Ironically, I'm currently writing it in a cafe, surrounded by cakes and delicious, high calorie fare of all sorts. Kind of like when I was writing out my fourth step of my AA progamme, while sitting a bar, drinking coffee. But that's a story for another day! It's very pretentious, sitting in a cafe, with a laptop (actually a Kindle with a bluetooth keyboard) writing a blog. It makes me feel very sophisticated. Teehee. But clearly, I don't have very high standards of sophistication. :-)

I'm pretty pleased with my progress this week, and with more than just my eating habits. I have got out of bed before eleven am each day that I've been off. That doesn't sound like much of an achievement, but it's not bad for me, especially of late. I was starting to find it hard to get out of bed on my days off, even when TMM was off as well. I mean, I was lying in bed nearly all day on some weekends. I hadn't really linked it to my weight, but I think now maybe it was a bit of depression.  Since starting to at least try to lose weight, that hasn't been the case so much. Even getting up today, to go to the supermarket for dinner ingrediates, then go for a coffee by myself, is more effort than I've been making some days. It's all good. Small steps Terry, small steps.

Am I Doing This Right?

I have found it surprisingly easy to stay within calories today. So much so that I wonder if I'm counting them correctly. Perhaps I'm underestimating how much I'm eating. I know getting up late and having only black coffee and a banana has me using minimal calories at the start of my eating day, but I was still left with over 300 even after I'd counted a large serving of homemade tomato and basil soup and a fish and potato dinner. I do honestly think I counted everything though. So I have plenty of my allowance left for a low fat hot chocolate later. I was going to buy a bar of very dark chocolate but thought I'd leave thst as a treat for another day. I had some yesterday and I don't want to get to the point where I have or want it every day. That leads me to having a sense of entitlement and then I feel deprived when I don't fulfil it.

I'm trying to concentrate, not on how big I am,  but on getting smaller and not getting ang bigger. It's a less depressing perspective, much more positive. It's like I was saying a couple of days ago. I feel better when I think of not needing to continue looking for bigger sizes in my clothing. I'm around a size twenty-four, depending on tops or trousers and the shop. That's more than big enough. 

I'm feeling in control today. It comes from the positivity of being within my calorie allowance and the short walk that I took with The Main Man earlier. It was only to the shops, but previously I'd have avoided it,n o t wanting to get red faced and sweaty. I felt better for getting out into the air,albeit briefly.

Coping Strategy

Off work, and TMM and I went out for a coffee this afternoon. As I said a day or two ago, this usually becomes coffee and a bun, and that's not great for healthy eating. But it's hard not to feel as if I'm denying myself when I have only the hot beverage. Today it was okay initially, as TMM just had a cup of tea, but when I went for second coffee, he asked me to get him a caramel square, and I was back to feeling hard done by. That's when I remembered something that I used to do. I bought a small bar of chocolate instead of a bun or a traybake. It was tiny to look at, just twenty-five grammes. That's not normally good for someone like me, who eats with their eyes. That means I like to see a lot of food in order to feel as if I will be satisfied. In the case of chocolate though, if it's dark choc, a little goes a long way, so the six squares were plenty. I like to bite them in half and let the small piece melt in my mouth, especially with a sip of black coffee. It's delicious, and lasts for ages. And it feels like a real treat. This process doesn't always work for me. There are time when I still feel hard done by, but at least it's an option some times, just as having a low fat hot chocolate also works occasionally.

I felt no guilt about the choccy treat as I'd been for a short walk before hand. I'm lucky enough to live by the sea, so walks are picturesue, regardless of weather. It makes things a bit easier. I am so annoyed with myself at how unfit I have allowed myself to become. This time last year I was training for the Belfast Marathon, and here I am now, hardly able to walk the length of myself without becoming a puce, sweaty mess. Disgusting! Such a waste of last year's progress. But, positive thinking (which is so hard sometimes) I went for a forty minute dander today. It was slow, I was sweaty and out of breath after a disturbingly short time, my lower back hurt and I felt guilty for holding TMM back with my crawl of a pace, but the thing is, I did it. I voluntarily took some exercise, despite being self consciousness. And I earned my chocolate. Yay me!

Actually, I could have had the chocolate anyway. It fell within my mfp calorie allowance even before the exercise calories were added on. This was surprising, as my allowance seems very low to my mind. Even bearing in mind that I set my profile to a two pound a week loss, and that I have a sedantary lifestyle, I would still have thought that a woman of eighteen and a half stone would have been on more than 1210 cals a day.  I've been surprised that I've been able to have three meals a day within that total. Mind you, my meals have had the daily calories very unevenly distributed. Breakfast and lunch are light, so as to leave plenty of cals for dinner.

I have felt some hunger over the past five days. Is this a bad thing, or should I stop being afraid of being a little hungry? My next meal is never that far round the next corner, so surely it's not such a bad thing. Maybe the old idea that the body goes into a sort of starvation mode if it feels hungry is behind the notion of constantly grazing on healthy snacks. Howsoever that may be, I'm going to try to stop seeing feeling a bit peckish as a bad thing. A couple of nights in a row now I've gone to bed feeling a bit empty, and it has yet to keep me awake.

Ate Out And Was Still Okay

Being off work, which I am for the next couple of days, can make things a lot harder for me to eat well. I end up going out with The Main Man for coffee, which becomes coffee and a bun, and that's never good. We ended up having an early tea instead which at least meant that I ate proper food, not just something sweet. Although the choices weren't especially healthy, they weren't too bad, and given that I'd eaten only one other meal today, it worked ot okay, calorie wise, I think.

Breakfast was a gorgeous three egg omlette, with two rashers of bacon, trimmed of fat, as well as left over garlicky potatoes and leeks from last night's dinner. I think even with the burger and skinny chips (and no bun!) for tea, I managed to stay within my calorie goal. I do wonder if I'll be hungry later, since tea was so early, but a cup of tea will hopefully distract me.

I started looking at health and fitness mags this afternoon, but decided that there was no point in buying any yet. There's too much emphasis on exercising in them, and I'm finding it hard enough to walk to the train station at the moment, never mind think about working out. Of course, I know that's bull shit. I could be going for a walk for twenty minites and starting to build up my stamina, but I'm just happy to be staying away from chocolate and eating between meals for this week. I even managed to buy a bar of chocolate for TMM and not get one for myself. Impressed with me or what! But I really do want to get to the point where I could start to run a bit again. I read on Facebook about friends going for a run, and I'm definately jealous. I need to get there again.

Day three...

...and I'm still feeling positive. I bought almonds, to have half the packet but forgot about them. I was really quite hungry by the time I got home. Thankfully, The Main Man had the dinner on, so it wasn't long before I got something to eat. He'd cooked snags, so I was glad to have saved the calories on the forgotten almonds at lunchtime. 

It really helps me when I think that, if I continue to eat healthily,  this is as big as I will get. No bigger clothes to buy and no more worry about finding stuff in my wardrobe that truly fits me. And I'm sick of jeans and leggings wearing out on the inside leg because my thighs rub together so much! An end to that would be good eventually.

260.6lb. Beginning again. Again.

I started yesterday. I took the plunge and weighed myself and dusted off MyFitnessPal. No matter how many times I've done it before, that first scale hop to see where I am with my weight is always a shitter. Never gets any easier. I was not happy, but it could have been worse. 18 stone, 8.6 pounds. Damn, that's heavy.

Two days in and I've managed to steer clear of shity food at work, eaten nothing
unhealthy at home and stayed within my MFP calorie target. Excellent start.

I just wonder if I can get my motivation together enough to stick with it. I also need to decide to just change my whole attitude to eating. I say that every tme. It's yet to stick. As a way to get that to happen, I read some of my training blog for the marathon last year. Despite the fact that I'm really down at the moment about the start of my weight, which includes my fitness and health (both of which are pants at the moment obviously) I found it quite inspirational. I can't believe I was ever that fit. Imagine being able to run ten or more miles of a weekend. I'm totally going to get that back! Totally!