Reigning myself in

I'm feeling a bit out of control again. It seems like only a week or two ago that I felt like this. I wonder when it was. I really must check it out and see if it's related to my cycle. At the moment though, despite talking about staying away from milk chocolate, and eating more nutritious food, especially with the extra running that I'm doing, I have been going over my daily allowance. I don't mind that per ce, but I do mind that what I'm letting myself eat is nutritionally void.

I'm earning roughly 500 extra calories a day, and pretty much using them all. Good. No problem. That's still only 1700 cals, and that fuels not just a day's work, but a work out too. I just don't like letting my chocolate habit get out of control, especially when I feel as if, once I start, I might not be able to stop. I was so close to calling in to the shop when I got off the train this morning to buy a big bar of Galaxy Salted Caramel. 135g and 640 calories that could get me a whole dinner!

My current nemesis!

And there's no point in pretending that I could eat only a few squares and save the rest. It just wouldn't happen. It didn't happen yesterday when I bought it. Todays' win (so far) is that I didn't buy it. If I don't have it, I can't eat it. Simple as!

I'm pissed off at myself because I keep eating too much and counting it in the following day's food. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do that! I've only a few pounds left to lose, and if I slip up now, I'll make things so much harder. I've never been this close to goal. If I can just focus, and get there, then I can consider how to up my calories on a more permanent basis, and allow extra treats. I wish I could just give up sugar. I think I will seriously consider the paleo route again, once I'm at goal. It means no processed sugar at all, no dairy and no grain, if I follow it strictly. No DFM* either, which would be good, since I crashed and burned on the New Year's resolution there, after just a fortnight.

I really haven't got the hang of this moderation thing yet. Everything is done gung-ho, to extremes, be that my attitude or my eating habits. I know I'm only human. I can't be perfect all the time. I've been so focused for nearly a year now, so I'm sort of due a lapse in concentration. No one can sustain excellence the whole time. But damn! It's hard to cut myself some slack.


* Dark Fizzy Master = diet cola

Happy Monday!

My thighs are still tired after this run, despite a rest day yesterday!

My long run on Saturday afternoon went really well. I am so pleased with that pace. If I sustained that for 42km, I'd do a sub 4:30 marathon! Not sure if it's possible for me, but I can think positive. No harm in that so long as I don't beat myself up if I don't manage it.

As I was running, on two occasions, all I could smell was grilling meat, like a really nice steak or burger had been thrown on a bbq. It drove me mental. It was fast approaching tea time, and I was getting hungry. That aroma was the best kind of torture! I must have been passing a local restaurant or something. I was proactive about the situation. I made sure my run finished outside ASDA so I could go to the butchery counter. It's run by a local shop and it's actual butchers behind the counter. I asked for a couple of nice steaks that I could cook rare and came away with two of the most delicious hunks of meat (barring TMM of course :-D ) I've ever tasted. Two big sirloins. Literally cut the horns off and stop it mooing, and I'll eat it. And I did. Two and a half minutes in a very hot pan on either side, just seasoned with crushed sea salt and black pepper. Man, I'm drooling just at the memory!.A good protein hit for excellent muscle recovery after my eleven miler.

Despite the protein rich day, both Saturday and Sunday, not to mention a deliberate rest day yesterday, I was still tired on my run this morning. But I better suck it up, coz I imagine I'll be even more tired twenty miles into twenty-six on the First of May!

Saturday was an active day in general. Mum and I had a five mile walk that morning, and then she cooked a lovely brekkie of scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. I even had a bagel too, which was unusual, as I don't eat a lot of bread these days. It means that I enjoy it all the more when I do eat it.

I save calories by not having butter/spread. I don't miss it. I haven't taken marg since I had hepatitis when I was nineteen, and my liver couldn't process the fat content. I just never went back on it again. And I haven't taken milk in tea or coffee for years either.  

And on to another reason for today's good mood. I finished the Dr Who scarf that I was knitting. As I said to someone of Facebook this morning, it's so long, it's just the right side of ridiculous! I love it. And with my hat? If I want to look like Tom Baker circa 1979, that's up to me :-)

144lb

A loss of 1.2 pounds thankfully. So that's last week's gain gone and a wee bit besides. I can live with that. And now I'm eight pounds away from goal. Phew for hitting a new low!

I have definitely eaten more this week. I went through nearly all of my exercise calories, even yesterday, when I earned 1600! I'm okay with that for the most part though. The only thing I'm not really happy with myself about is that I ate chocolate on about three days. I don't mind a couple of squares of dark choc, even every day. But I used precious calories for stupid chocolate like Mars bars or Snickers. Again, even they are allowed in moderation, just not the way I ate them this week. So, I'm going to try to go back to my first month on mfp. I will allow myself chocolate, but only the really dark stuff, and not at work. It's to be a special evening treat.

I'm looking forward to the week ahead, both food and exercise wise. I'm feeling positive about getting a good result this week. I'm trying to prepare my head for the new mindset I'll hopefully be needing soon. The maintenance, rather than losing, mindset. I can imagine me panicking a bit as I have to slowly increase my calories. I will probably be terrified of losing control. But there's no point borrowing trouble.  I am looking forward to being in that position.

Just keep running, just keep running...

...as Dory from "Finding Nemo" would sing. Well, if she had legs instead of fins. It's been a good week for running so far, and it's not over yet. 

This morning's run. Happy that I am consistently staying under 7 min/km.

At least one run left to do, a long one of 17km, or about eleven miles in old money. It should take about two hours. I haven't decided if I will do it tomorrow evening or Sunday morning yet. TMM is working on both. I'll wing it, see how I feel. I should be out for a walk with Mum in the morning, so I mightn't fancy a long run as well on the same day.

I did it again. I bought more Vibram runners. That's the third pair now. I have to stop. I can't help it. I'm a suggestible nightmare, an advertizer's dream! Ads come up at the side of my email and I make the mistake of looking at them! And if Vibrams are going to be sold at £50, how am I reasonably supposed to not buy them ??? I track the mileage of my shoes on my Runkeeper app, and to do that, I have a name for each pair. The first Vibrams, I called Toesies. The second pair are Pinkerton. I can honestly make an argument for reasonably having two pairs. If one pair's in the wash for example. But three? That's why I've named this pair "The Unnecessaries" :-)

The best pair yet. Love them.

I've been weighing heavy all week, but I'm trying not to care because my running has been great and I know I've been eating well. My calorie balance has been good and I know I'm in the green. So I'm going to keep hoping for a loss on Sunday. I'm also happy because I've started a bit of knitting in the evenings, so that's keeping my occupied, and away from snacking. I'm making a Dr Who scarf. I reckon it'll be finished by the end of the weekend. It's a short project (but a very long scarf!) so I might start something else once I'm done. 

I'm not doing this exactly, using different sized needles and wool, but it's a good rough guide. I'll probably make it about twelve foot long. That's long enough for any five foot two short arse :-)

The week moves on

Well, perm my hair and call me Curly. Cut my legs off and call me Shorty! I took my period yesterday. I wasn't expecting it for about a week. I just keep forgetting that my cycle has shortened, and my time to "surf the crimson tide" creeps up on me nearly every month these days. Yes, I realize that that's too much information for some, but it's relevant, as I believe it's the reason for my half pound gain this week. That half pound is a fairly consistent wee visitor on the week that my period arrives. It makes me feel better to know that there was a genuine reason for it. I can concentrate on a loss this week, though I was pretty concentrated on that anyway!

I had plans with TMM, my cousin BB and her hubby CB, for a Chinese takeaway last night. We usually know a few days in advance of these occasions, as BB and CB are members of Slimming World, so we all like to plan for carry out food. I knew from early on exactly what I was going to order, and I was fairly sure it would be about a day's worth of calories, so I worked my day out around it. I ran early, earning 600 cals, then I had a very protein rich breakfast of scrambled eggs, to keep me satisfied. I had no lunch. That's probably not for everyone, but it works for me. Coffee and water, along with some sugar free mints, kept me happy at work. Then we had the meal not long after 7 pm. I ordered Chicken Chow Mein, and had half a portion of chips as well. The chips were totally unnecessary, but yummy! And I worked it all out at about 1000 cals for the whole meal. Including my exercise calories, I think I finished the day just about balanced.

I didn't go running this morning. I wanted to, but I decided that I needed a recovery day. I could feel my thighs protesting yesterday as I ran. The last thing I want to do is injure myself through over training, and the surest way to do that would be to not listen to my body. So much as I wanted to run this morning, I lay on. I felt a bit guilty, and I will definitely miss the extra calories, but I needed the rest, I ran ten miles on Saturday, four on Sunday and five yesterday. I'm doing okay so far, as far as putting in the work is concerned.

145.2lb

As always, despite my best intentions, it's never easy to own up to a gain, even a relatively small 0.4lb one. While a couple of my days this week haven't been perfect as far as food goes, I haven't done too badly. My exercise has been good, so it's not that. I think that it's really just that time of the month again, when I have a wee gain, and my body does it's own thing to slow me down and make me take stock. It's a good thing. It means I don't crawl up my own arse, thinking how wonderful I am at this weight loss thing. I get shit wrong, I get het up over nothing, I eat too much chocolate sometimes. Basically, I'm human.

So, to take stock, I'm nine and a half pounds away from goal. That's nothing. I'm so close I can taste it! All I've got to do is remember that today's weigh in does not accurately convey how I did this week, or how I've felt. I've been feeling really good. walking tall and holding my head high. I've been enjoying feeling petite, if you can believe it. I can snuggle in to armchairs and not get stuck. I can do the same in the high backed chairs in Cafe Nero, where TMM and I like to partake of a recreational coffee or two. I can easily fit in to my train seat, even with a couple of layers of Winter clothes on, and a big coat. (I know, public transport seats are an obsession of mine) Half a pound on my official weigh-in weight does not negate any of those feelings.

One of the best things has been my new found enthusiasm for running, which has sort of taken on a life of its own. I'm really enjoying it at the moment. I ran five times this week, racking up 50km, my longest run being ten miles yesterday morning. While at the start, I sort of dreaded the idea of ten miles a little, because I knew that I was going to be out for nearly two hours, actualy, the time flew in. Before I knew it, I was over half way through. The whole thing took one hour and fourty seven minutes. I was finished by 8am, and TMM and I had a lovely, healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs together. I also had wheaten bread and cheddar. Good grief, I enjoyed it! The run earned over 1100 cals, so I was more than happy to spend a few extra on bread and cheese that I rarely eat.

In training for the marathon again, I find that I am running a lot of routes that I ran the last time I trained, two years ago. Yesterday's ten miler was one I've only run once before.

I had a look back on Runkeeper to compare the times. Last time, I was about five stone heavier than I am now, and the run took two hours and seventeen minutes! Wow. Huge difference. A whole half hour quickerythis time. If I could maintain that pace over the marathon, I should be able to finish in under five hours. I'm trying not to get my hopes up over a finishing time. Anything better than last time is an improvement. But I have to be honest, it's hard not to get caught up wanting a sub five hour time.

Last time, I think the time that I ran at in training had a lot to do with why I unexpectedly cramped up. I'm very much an early morning runner. I get most of my running done between five and six thirty am. The marathon starts at 9am, and that means I coulb be going till 2pm That's all morning, to mid afternoon. So I think I need to do some of my long runs a bit later. It's hard to eny myself the pleassure of the early morning scenery and peace as I run at my usual time though.

Trying to cut myself some slack

I was in the shower this morning, beating myself up for being less than perfect with my food this last few days. I have had a calorie heavy start to the week and as much as I really enjoyed the pizza on Monday night, the chocolate, on both Sunday and Tuesday nights, was unnecessary. Delish, but unnecessary. And much as I told myself that I'd be so good for the next few weeks to try to lose my final few pounds, I just haven't been able to stay within 1200 cals. In a way, that's not a problem. I've run for the last four days, so I need more cals. And I'm upping my mileage, so that goes double for the extra fuel needed. But it's been the wrong fuel, and too much of it. Excess, thy name is Terry. As usual.

You get the point. Terry's giving herself a hard time. Then I caught myself on. Did I just listen to myself? I ran the last four days in a row! 

I am a runner! Who'd a thunk it???

How healthy am I! And this morning's run was double excellent. I was strong like bull.  For I was Terry, Seeker of Hills! I sought out every hill in my town that I normally avoid. And by jingo! If I didn't have a ball. Sweaty I certainly got, but I didn't come close to wanting to stop.

So I ate a full 80g bar of dark choc last night (with espresso coffee beans in it. *Drools in a manner worthy of Homer Simpson*) and it was 425 cals? So what! I earned 406 cals on my run this morning. I'm even. This isn't just about me losing weight. While that's important to me, it's not the be all and end all. This is my life, and I'm blooming living it. And en-friggin'-joying it!  How philosophical do I sound :-) Hope that mindset lasts when I step on the scales on Sunday.

So I'm currently on the train to work. I'm wearing TMM's cardi. He gave it to me a few months ago and I loved that it fitted me. Ahem *coughs modestly and blushes prettily* it now drowns me. I'm so grinning madly as I type that. The last two days at work, I've had a string of people doing double takes when they see me in the office, hear me speak and then realize that it's actually me, but they don't recognize me. I'm not exaggerating, there've been at least three different people each day. So I need to remember that too as I give myself guff for having the temerity to be human in the face of food temptation. How very dare I! I'm trying to overcome nearly fifty years of conditioning.

It ain't gonna happen overnight!

I've been and gone and done it!

I made my entry to the 2017 Belfast Marathon public. It's on Facebook, and I've set up a JustGiving page, so soon everyone that I know will know about it. Now I'll have to do it, especially as I've just had my first sponsorship :-) It's a good thing that I started the training plan last week, and the mileage will start to increase now.

Well, I had my pizza, cheesy garlic bread and chips for tea last night. I know that sounds like a lot...okay, it was a lot, but it was less than I'd have eaten pre weight loss. A small pizza and TMM and I shared the garlic bread and chips. Still, it was a big meal. So I finished the day with my calorie bank account very overdrawn but I was a very happy camper, every mouthful having been savoured and slowly devoured. Worth every kcal! I went to bed pretty damn stuffed I can tell you.:-) Seriously, not the healthiest way to try to fall asleep, but man alive! it was good.

I was surprised and pleased that it didn't make this morning's run difficult. I thought all that carby nonsense bouncing around in my tum from the night before would be a hindrance, but it wasn't.

That's 20km I've done over the past two mornings. It's easy to see that this is a different programme to the one I  followed two years ago. The mileage has started to increase substantially already. It took me about eight weeks to build up to a 16k run last time. This time it's by the end of the second week. That's okay though. I'm lighter and fitter this time around, so in a way, it's as much about pace as endurance. 

And on a weight loss note, a customer asked me today where the other girl was, who used to work here. You know, the one who'd been here for years, who wore DMs all the time? Uh huh, he meant me! So I waved at him and said, "Hello!" He wouldn't believe it was me. He actually almost demanded that I show him an old photo of myself. :-) The one of me with Sammy the Rottie soon convinced him of my veraciousness. Yes, that was me. So now he thinks I'm a weight loss goddess. And I'll be smiling all day because of it. 

Sammy Sausage. I miss him. 

Obsession

Sometimes I get an idea in my head and it takes root. I get fixated on it. The last one I really remember going for ages was a few months ago when I got obsessed with the idea of having pizza. The best thing for me to do is to run with it. I plan for it, work it into my food for the week, make sure I earn a few extra exercise cals and then I can enjoy it, guilt free. I was starting to crave pizza again this week so I planned to have it tonight. I prefer to eat high cal stuff, or go out for dinner, early in the week. Then I have more days to ensure I get back on track before my next weigh in. It's worked for me so far. I have not deprived myself and have still managed to lose weight.

However, I had a new obsession for Ferrero Rocher, which took root yesterday and I needed to address it before the pizza. I saw a large box on sale, the selection one, with three different varieties in it. I managed to avoid buying it. But it played on my mind enough that I decided to bite the bullet. I bought a smaller box and worked out the calories.

It's not ideal to eat them on the day of my large fry up, but I have six full days to make sure I earn back the over spend. This way, the urge will be dealt with and I can move on.

I ran for about an hour this morning, so that went some way to assuaging my guilt over the chocolate, and now I'm just thinking that I'll get the pizza out of the way too. I'm running plenty at the moment (I'll do about an hour and a quarter tomorrow) so there are exercise calories in the bank. Then, hopefully, I will be a good little calorie counter for the rest of the week. I only have five pounds to lose to get into the nine stone bracket. I'd like to do that sooner rather than later, so I want to be careful, foodwise, for the rest of the week, after today.

Another encouraging factor, to help me stay on track after thoday, is my B M I, which is now 26.5! I'm well chuffed with that :-)

144.8lb

It's a good day! 3.4lb off, my fastest ever 5k last night and TMM is off, so we went out for brunch :-) Carlsberg don't do Sundays, but if they did...

Seriously good fry up

Fastest 5k

Only five pounds until I go under ten stone. Unbelievable! Only eight till my absolute ultimate goal. Maintenance nirvana!

I cannot believe how much thought I put in to getting dressed these days. Well, that's not true. At nineteen stone, I had to think a lot about what I was going to wear, as everything felt like it looked awful. I could look neat and as if I'd made an effort, you know, had a shower and was wearing clean clothes, but nothing really felt as if it looked good. I was never one of those massively overweight people who defiantly thought they looked good, regardless of size. I admire that attitude. I could fake it, but I never really felt it. These days, getting dressed is like a game of dressing up. I just caught myself thinking about wearing a dress today. A dress? I never wear dresses! Am I being shallow? Na, I'm just enjoying myself. Really enjoying myself.

Motivations...or reasons to behave

I wittered on a day or two ago about wanting to have a good food day, then promptly ate chocolate covered fudge with my morning coffee (so much for caffeine killing my sugar craving) and then went out for dinner with TMM. On the up side though, I tracked it all, chose a lighter option than I might otherwise have done, pre-weight loss, at the restaurant, and know exactly how much my calories are over by. It's all good. I'll just have to keep telling myself that when I step on the scales on Sunday.

Other than the usual reasons for not wanting to gain weight again, i.e don't want to have to go through this process again, and I have family and friends who will encourage me to stay on the right track, I've been thinking of additional motivations, things to keep in mind when I want to eat overly calorific, empty in nutrition, "non-food."

• New Under Armour top. Looks great. Want to keep it that way. This goes for all the lovely new stuff that I have and adore wearing. How gutted would I be if I got too big for them all ??? 
• Party on 11th Feb. It's a month away. I could have lost anything from two pound to being at goal if I work at it! 
• Hearing lovely compliments at work from customers who haven't seen me for a while. It happened yesterday and it made me feel great all day.
• This is a bit of a weird one, and might make me sound a bit odd. At the risk of coming across as obsessive, or even anorexic, I love my collar bone. I really like that I can see it, and when I touch it, it's not covered with fat. Don't get me wrong, I've no desire to be a skeleton, but I love my clavicle. I'm becoming reacquainted with my ribs too, but my clavicle is my favourite :-)

Yesterday was another day of really struggling to stay away from shitty food. I ate some sugar free wine gums, and just about managed to come in on target, having (again) eaten nearly all my exercise calories. But it was pointed out to me, by people much nicer to me than I am to myself, and cleverer (is that even grammatically correct?) too, that it's bloomin' cold at the mo, so maybe my body needs the fuel. I'm definitely feeling the cold a lot more this Winter than it was last year.

And so today? My desire to eat all round me has gone. I am feeling perfectly in control. I had a breakfast of three eggs, scrambled in the microwave, after my run, and had my "Yogi coffee" (a teaspoon of coconut oil, a teaspoon of cinnamon and a mug of black coffee) and I have some raw veg for lunch, waiting in my desk drawer. All thought of every "naughty" food has disappeared. Today, I'm on a roll. Even my run was good, though it was very cold, and I got up extra early to do a few extra km.

Making up the deficit...eventually

The last two days, my food log hasn't been great.  I got home from work on Monday a bit later than normal, and though there was food in the house, I couldn't be bothered cooking. So I threw bits and pieces together and ended up 450 cals over for the day. That is even though I'd earned 450 with my morning run. So I was in a situation that I try to avoid these days. I wanted to make back those "in the red" cals today. My run yesterday should have done that. But in order for that to have remained the case, I had to eat no more more than 1200 yesterday. My exercise cals are already spent! But I didn't make it. I went slightly over yet again. So now I'm even further in debt to myself!

In the grand scheme of things, it's not much, but it's a habit of complacency that I just don't want to get in to. I don't want to start thinking that all these little amounts, 200 cals here, 400 cals there, don't matter. I've got this far because I've realized that everything with a calorific value matters, regardless of how small. So now it's Wednesday, and I really want to try to stay in control. I'm so close to goal, I don't want to screw up. In another twelve pounds, I can start to relax, and work out how to live with this, try to let up a little (though I think I might always need to track, even when my daily calorie allowance increases) but for now, I want to work on staying in charge.

I've felt a distinct lack of will-power these last couple of days. I think it hits every month or so. I feel...not hungry per ce, but just that I could eat. A lot. I watched "Sugar Free Farm" last night, and got to thinking that while I don't eat as much sugar as I used to, I still eat too much. My processed foods have decreased in general, but I could still work on eating more "clean" foods. I'd like to cut out the sugar free sweets, as well as fizzy pop. I've steered clear of DFM* since the New Year, but still consumed some fizz. It would be good to make my tooth a little less sweet and more appreciative of water and herbal teas.

I am enjoying running again after a hiatus of about four weeks with the Achilles. I can't believe it was that long. Time flew! At the moment. I have a few niggles, thigh and Achilles-wise, but nowt big (touch wood!) My run at the end of last week, the 9km one, obviously took a bit more out of me than I realized at the time, because my thighs have been tired since. But I'm working through it. It's not pain, just a bit of fatigue as I get used to upping my mileage. I've had to start doing that anyway this week, just in case I decide to do the marathon this year. I might as well start the training. I can bow out at any time, but I'd be gutted if I got to February, having done no prep, and decided I wanted to give it a go, but hadn't left myself enough time to start.

My thighs were still tired at the end of yesterday, so I decided a rest day was necessary. I didn't run this morning. I will miss the extra calories earned though, especially after the lack of discipline for the last few days. So I will see if I can persuade TMM to go for a walk later, after work. A lovely work out top arrived today, an Under Armour one, and I want to make sure I don't get too big for it before I even get a chance to wear it!

I hate this uber consciousness of control, or lack thereof, about food, but it's a phase I go through every now and again. I just have to stick with it. I'll be back to normal in a day or two


*DFM - Dark Fizzy Master otherwise known as diet cola

148.2lb

I am so pleased with today's weigh in result. It means I'm at my lowest weight yet. I've lost the Christmas gain, and 0.8lbs for luck. Ten stone and eight pounds. A very average, unremarkable weight. Chuffed, I'm so chuffed :-)

TMM and I had a lovely, relaxed day together today,  a late brunch, walking about the town, and then a coffee. We know how to be good to ourselves. It was nice to have the day with each other, as he was working yesterday. While he was out, earning, I was spending, I did indeed feed my shopping addiction, even though I told myself that I wouldn't. I should have known better than to go in to T K Maxx. I got a couple of things in the sale. A pair of Ralph Lauren trouser, size 12, down to 12.00, which I love, though the pattern wouldn't be to everyody's taste. They're a strange mix of camo and leopard print! I got a hooded jumper as well, also 12.00, which is really nice with jeans, and is a size 12 too. I love that the last few things I've bought are considerd a medium size. Like my weight, an unremarkable, average size. Nothing you'd look at twice and think was freakish. Truly "normal."

Trousers that Bet Lynch would be proud to wear, and I love them. The label says size 8. An American eight obviously, i.e. a UK 12. Than they are a lovely fit.  

Very soft, blue, hooded jumper. Cozy and comfy. Great with jeggings.

I love how I look in these new clothes. I feel great in them. And I'm really going to enjoy wearing them. But now, I really must stop buying clothes!!!

After I'd been shopping yesterday, and stopped off for a recreational coffee, I decided on the spur of the moment, to go out for a run. It's most unlike me to decide to run in the evening, but I was glad to earn a few extra calories, and to run after having taken Friday off.

I didn't run today, but I should get up early tomorrow to do a few miles before work, and start the week as I mean to go on. I fully intend to run at least four times this week, hopefuly five.

At the risk of being a complete bore, I have to repeat myself. I can't believe it. 148.2 lbs, or 67.4kg in new money. That's my weight. My weight is well into the tens now, getting ever closer to the nines. My BMI is 27.1. I am just twelve pounds form goal. Under a stone to go. It's hard to fathom. I'm going to bed now, grinning my skinny wee face off :-)

Aspirations

There are a couple of things that I'm busting at the knickers to do, but I can't let myself because they signify the end of the loosing phase of my weight issues, and transition me in to maintenance. I'm so close to that right now, that practically speaking, it would make no difference to just get on with it. Mentally though, I don't want to scud myself before I officially hit the number that I think of as my target.

That number is now 136lb. Definitely no lower, even though that's the high end of my weight/height range, but that will make me 24.9 on the BMI scale, nine stone ten pounds, and eleven stone lighter than I was at my very heaviest. It's about fourteen pounds away. Mind you, even when I get to 139, I'll feel as if I'm there, so I might carry out my "goal" tasks then.

First, I'd like to change the name of my blog to "Five Foot, Fat Fit and Female." I don't see a way to cross out text in the title, so I may just have to put the "Fat" in brackets.

I so want to do that right now. I really don't feel fat anymore (most of the time) so I'd like the blog title to reflect that. But I'm going to try to be patient for at least another ten pounds. Once I'm under 140, I'll feel as if I can do it without jinxing myself.

Second, I'm very impatient to buy my treat, my Samsung smart watch. Now that I really shouldn't get until I'm truly at goal. It's not a proper reward otherwise. I suppose I can hold on. I think. No guarentees.

As much as I want that techy bauble, the blog title means more to me. I've been this person, this idendity, Five Foot, Fat and Female, since my first foray into on line weight watching on 1st Jan 2011. That's only six years, but it feel like forever, because I have lived up to that name nearly all my life. To officially call myself Five Foot, Fit and Female seems boastful, a tad bombastic even, but true nonetheless. I am quite fit for an ex over-twenty-stone type personage. Age isn't such a big factor, there are plenty of people older than me who are fitter, but the weight issue makes me darn proud of myself, and able to withstand the slightly boastful nature of calling myself fit.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in of the new year and I'm hopeful of getting down to my Christmas day weight of 149lbs, to retake my downward motion and go towards new lows, ever closer to goal. I know I've had a good week as far as my calorie intake is concerned, and I've enjoyed three runs. No reason on this Earth that I shouldn't have a good result.

Fingers crossed!

T F I....

...Friday! The first week after of work after the hols is nearly over and I'm glad. I have a cheek to be tired, given that we only opened again on  Tuesday, so I've only done four days.

I didn't get up for a run this morning. My legs were achy from the longer run yesterday morning and I was tired in general because I'm not going to sleep early enough to sustain getting up at 5am to go running. I'm going to bed in plenty of time, but I'm reading for ages before turning the lights out. 50% of my New Year's resolutions are a bust so far, but I'm not giving up. I've stayed off sugar free cola since New Year's Day, but I've continued to use electronic devices in bed.

Damn, I really should try to stop, and make the bedroom a device free zone. I'll just keep trying :-)

Food went well yesterday. Despite the cake the day before, I finished on target overall. When I got home from work, TMM had already started dinner, chicken, gravy, spuds and veg. Mmmmm! What a beautiful thing to come home to, the sight of my Gorgeous Guy, cooking a healthy delicious dinner, which smelt amazing as I came through the front door.

I'm currently feeling the loss of having not gone for a run this morning. I love knowing that I've done that wee bit of exercise, and that there are extra calories in the bank if I need them. I might see if I fancy going for a quick half hour jog after work. I'm not great in the will power department, so I reserve the right to change my mind :-D

Guilt!

I had a big whack of Christmas cake last night, unplanned for, so I didn't have enough calories in the bank for it. But I just couldn't seem to help myself. I've not had anything sweet since Boxing Day, and I'm pretty pleased with that, given that there's still quite a lot in the house. But last night, TMM made a pot of tea and brought out the remaining Christmas cake. He had two slices, and I was drooling. So I looked it up on mfp. 100g of iced fruit cake was somewhere between 250 and 350 cals. I weighed out 200g, which was two slices. And boy! I enjoyed them. So there's no point in me feeling guilty about it. So long as I don't make a habit of it, or let it start me on a slippery slope of giving in to unnecessary calories, I can put it behind me, having savoured every mouthful. And if I managed to do a 9k run this morning, earning 700 cals in the process, it didn't hurt. It was totally my intention to run a bit longer this morning to make up at least a bit of the deficit. I really don't want to start telling myself that I'll make up calories for treat. I've managed to steer clear of that bad habit so far, and it's stood me in good stead.

Train seats rock! Well, it's all a matter of perspective, and I wouldn't have been saying that this time last year if I'd found myself in the situation I was in last night. My train was late, so it was much fuller than usual when it eventually arrived. Of course, nearly all of the seats were gone. This isn't the issue it would once have been. Standing from Belfast to Bangor (a journey of about twenty-five minutes on the express) does not cause me back, joint or foot pain any longer. Before, the very idea of it was agony. However, there were a couple of seats left, those ones I've spoken of before, the foldy-down ones, that are out of the way in case a cyclist needs storage for a bike. Option 1: stand in increasingly cramped space near the doors. Option 2: take a teeny-tiny seat

Stupid, narrow, child-sized seats!

and hope I wouldn't squish too much into my neighbours. That just showed me where my head's at. The seats on either side of my free one were both occupied and I was genuinely concerned that I'd take up more than my fair share of the space. I sat. Guess what, it was never going to be an issue. On a seat that's probably about 20% narrower than the standard seats, I didn't overflow. I smiled to myself for the whole journey. I'm smiling now at the memory.

I'm going to have to be careful of my calorie intake today. I had a lovely breakfast after my run, a bowl of last night's chowder. It was about half the amount that I ate for dinner, and was still just over 400 calories. That's a high breakfast for me. so I'll need to be careful for the rest of the day. I've got good, healthy fare sorted out for lunch, so it's just dinner to think about. I'm going to input my lunch stuff into my tracker on mfp now, so I know exactly where I stand for dinner. It will be chicken of some sort.

Change of plan...

...in that I've decided not to buy the guitar when I hit my ultimate goal, I know I love it, but I probably won't play it enough to make it worth the money. Instead I've decided to buy something equally extravagant, but that I'll definately get a lot more use out of. I really fancy a smart watch, a new Samsung Gear S3,

that I can sync up to my phone and get loads of apps for. Just for the heck of it. I love gadgets and the idea of a watch that I can use instead of my Garmin, and have it bluetooth info to Rnkeeper, appeals to me like crazy. TMM will shake his head and not understand. He's a total Luddite, unashamedly so, and he thinks I'm a magpie, after the latest shiney thing. I'm not gonna argue with that, coz he's right :-) But I'll defo get a lot of joy out of it. It will cost about as much as the cheapest version of the Gretsch guitar, which I wouldn't use too much anyway, as I love my acoustic Fender too much. So a Samsung Gear3 it will be. In about a stone's time. Exciting!!!

I've just been checking them out on line, and I don't know if I'll be able to wait till I'm at goal! No! I must make myself wait. It's my special treat for finally feeling as if I'm on maintenance. I need to earn it fully for it to mean what it's supposed to. So I'll jst have to hold my horses! At apound a week, I could have it in my sweaty, greedy little hands in three months. So time to save for it.

Tonight's dinner was a homemade fish chowder of sorts. By that I mean, it was a potato soup, with big chunks of different fish in it.

I made a big pot of it and ate half. It was an extremely generous amount, which filled me up nicely and used up pretty much all of the calories that I had left in my allowance. It means that I have had two meat free days in a row, with the quorn last night. Obviously not flesh free, but at least it wasn't red meat. I think I'll do chicken tomorrow. Red meat seems to sit heavy on TMM. God bless him, he gets the worst of every deal. He gets sick over Christmas, while I remain hale and hearty. He gets an upset tummy, while I seem to have a constitution of cast iron and egggs and red meat bind him up, while I get to go to the loo a couple of times a day normally. He totally lucked out. Mind you, he got the looks and the naturally tendancy to slimness, so perhaps there is balance in the universe after all :-)

Diminishing returns?

This time a few weeks ago, half an hour of running earned me 400 cals. Now I'm a bit lighter and faster, Runkeeper told me it was only 360 this morning and yesterday. Obviously lighter and faster is better. I'd much rather be those. But I can't help regretting losing those extra calories earned. Still, it's yet another sign that my body is becoming a stronger, more efficient machine.

Mind you, another side effect of losing eight stone is that I definitely feel the cold more. I'm wearing two fleeces in work some days, as well as two pairs of socks. I think my thermostat just needs to reset itself, and it will happen naturally.  In the meantime though, I'm foundered!

I weighed 149 again this morning. Even if it's a false low, coz I'd just exercised, at least it's going in the right direction. After my run, I had some scrambled eggs for breakfast. I'm determined to eat well. I'm going to get plenty of proper nutrition, not save too many calories for fluff like fat free yoghurt or sugar free sweets. I'll still eat some, but I'm going to concentrate on good protein more. For tea yesterday, I had a quorn based meal. TMM was working so it was the perfect time to get out the veggie option. As much as TMM has no problem going meat free, he's not a fan of quorn. Today, I think I'll have fish.

I'm enjoying my Facebook group a lot at the moment. There's loads of positivity bouncing about, despite a lot of us gaining a few pounds over Christmas.  We're facing up to it and making inroads in the extra pounds. It's so encouraging to talk to others in the same situation.  My next stop will be to get together with Penfold and Smiley. We can have coffee and strategize out next steps in our weight loss plans.

Last day off

It's been a quiet day. It's my last day off before I go back to work tomorrow. TMM is off as well, but he hasn't been well since Christmas Day, and he's also had to go to work most of the time. We haven't done much over the festive season, but, barring him being ill, I've enjoyed our peaceful time together.

I have stuck to 1200 calories a day since the 27th December. We went out for brunch yesterday, which necessitated a very light tea of carrot and parsnip soup, made the previous day. Today, dinner will cosist of a homemade bolognese with cauliflower rice. I've been carefu to stay within my allowance as I haven't been running for a few weeks now. I intend to go out in the morning before work, to get the new year's running goals going. I've set a couple of goals, both of which I may well chicken out of. One is to run 1000 miles in the coure of the year and the other is to run a marathon on the first of May.

It all sounds a wee bit daunting, but I know it's doable.

I bought a new running jacket today. I'm hoping that it will encourage me to get up early in the morning and get out the door. I'm finding that I feel the cold quite a bit at the moment, and that's deterring me from leaving the house. It's a piss poor excuse not to run when Winter running gear is so readily available and so affordable.

I also bought some cheap jeans in ASDA yesterday. Both the jeans and the new running jacket are a size twelve. That's reason enough to try my best to stick within my calorie allowance. I'd really like to lose the Christmas four pounds gain, get below that previous 149lb weight, and settle in to be a comfortable size twelve. If I decide to lose up to a further stone, I might go down another size, but for now, a comfortable twelve is a realistic aim.

152.8lb - Happy New Year

I start 2017 at 152.8lb. I am very happy with that. I told myself I'd be happy so long as I was still under eleven stone. And I am, if only by 1.2 pounds :-) And I need to keep the nearly four pounds gain in context. I ate what is currently, for me, the equivalent of ten days food in two days! Four pounds isn't too bad. And in a way, it's good to have a gain. That might sound odd, but it's better to realize that over indulging has consequences.  If I'd stayed the same, if I'd "gotten away with it," I might be more tempted to do it again. I would be more likely to think I could get off lightly again, and it could become common place. It wouldn't take long for that behaviour to catch up on my weight loss! Anyway, if you'd told me this time last year that my weight would be ten stone something, there's no way I'd have believed you. I know I've said that a couple of times before, but it bears repeating.

I'm still thinking about what my ultimate goal will be. I'm at my interim goal of 153lbs but I think I will aim for 136 pounds. It would take me to a BMI of 24.9, and the top end of "normal." I know it's annoying, but I always have to use inverted commas for the word normal in this context. I mean, it annoys me to do it, but I always feel that I need to. When I get to whatever goal I finally decide on, I think I will buy myself the green Gretsch guitar that I really fancy.

I will exercise a little restraint, and buy the cheaper model, but I do really fancy it. And I deserve a treat. Hmmm.  Mind you, I've treated myself plenty, when it comes to clothes, recently. While some were definitely necessary, some were purely for pleasure.  

I started this particular weight loss attempt at 260lbs. My heaviest weight was a few years ago, at 289lb, or twenty stone and nine pounds. I am now officially ten stone lighter than that heaviest weight. My weight starts with ten stone something and I'm ten stone lighter than I was at my heaviest! I don't think I'll be able to stop grinning all week. What a way to start 2017.

As for New Year's resolutions, as I said on FB a few days ago, none of this "new year, new me" shite. I was fabulous last year and I'll just continue to be fabulous this year! :-) But seriously, I'm going to try really hard to give up DFM* again and I'm going to stop using electronics in bed. No phone, no tablet. It will help me sleep better. I think that'll be even harder than the DFM.

*dark fizzy master i.e. diet cola.