A change of attitude

This week, I've upped my calories and still lost two pounds. I'm not complaining. It gives me a comfortable zone within which to work. It also bares out what some of my FB chums were saying about me not eating enough. I've started eating more and obviously fired up my metabolism. Excellent Smithers, as Monty Burns would say. 

I finally have the body I've always wanted. It's a healthy weight, strong and fit. By no means is it perfect. I would need to go under the knife to get rid of my loose skin, the result for getting morbidly obese and losing over one hundred pounds three times now (and the rest in between) and my age, but it's in the best shape it can be in without surgical aid. And you know what, I actually like it. I can forgive the flaps and folds, even when I'm hearing my bingo wings slap about under my top as I run. (That happened a couple of mornings ago, and it took me a wee while to work out what the noise was. Teehee.)

Yes, this is me now. This is my healthy, strong, fit body. So, what am I going to do with it? I'm darn well going to look after it, that's what. I'm going to be good to it and kind to it. I've been letting sugar get a bit of a hold on me lately. Ironic, when I'm finally at goal, that I would risk it all just for a sweet fix. I think I might need to go cold turkey on the processed sugars, and by that I mean give up my fat free yoghurts and my sugar free sweets, as well as my DFM. They all train my palate to want sweet stuff and I'd really like to get away from that.

To that end, I'm definitely thinking of eating "clean" and going down the paleo route. I will absolutely still be tracking on mfp though. I need the structure and discipline of keeping a food diary. I'm considering yoga and meditation. I could only benefit from a more holistic approach and I love the idea of using my morning run as a meditation. It's a matter of being able to tune out my thoughts, but stay aware enough of my surroundings to stay safe. I've done it before for brief spells, using my breathing or footsteps as a focus. I'm going to give it a go again in the morning.

I'd really like to eat more slowly than I currently do, and to stop thinking of food as a treat, but as the stuff that fuels my body. It doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it, but it's primary purpose is to keep me functioning. I don't want to suck the joy out of food. It's one of the loveliest. social activities you can partake of, to eat with others. And I enjoy eating alone too. But I'd like to learn moderation. Eat the things that are good for me, in healthy amounts. It goes against my gung-ho nature to practice any sort of restraint in things I enjoy, but I'll give it a go.

Today has been a good day for food. Bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and low fat sausages for breakfast. The low fat sausages aren't a good paleo option but they were in the freezer and I don't want to waste food. We went to Caffè Nero where I had dark chocolate covered coffee beans and salted popcorn. Both aren't too bad for being overly processed. The two cups of coffee that I had there were the only ones I had today. I had frying steak with onions and carrots for dinner and 300g of grapes for afters. TMM and I went for a walk so I earned a few extra cals. My total intake was just under 1600 cals. I am in the green.

Reigning myself in

I'm feeling a bit out of control again. It seems like only a week or two ago that I felt like this. I wonder when it was. I really must check it out and see if it's related to my cycle. At the moment though, despite talking about staying away from milk chocolate, and eating more nutritious food, especially with the extra running that I'm doing, I have been going over my daily allowance. I don't mind that per ce, but I do mind that what I'm letting myself eat is nutritionally void.

I'm earning roughly 500 extra calories a day, and pretty much using them all. Good. No problem. That's still only 1700 cals, and that fuels not just a day's work, but a work out too. I just don't like letting my chocolate habit get out of control, especially when I feel as if, once I start, I might not be able to stop. I was so close to calling in to the shop when I got off the train this morning to buy a big bar of Galaxy Salted Caramel. 135g and 640 calories that could get me a whole dinner!

My current nemesis!

And there's no point in pretending that I could eat only a few squares and save the rest. It just wouldn't happen. It didn't happen yesterday when I bought it. Todays' win (so far) is that I didn't buy it. If I don't have it, I can't eat it. Simple as!

I'm pissed off at myself because I keep eating too much and counting it in the following day's food. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do that! I've only a few pounds left to lose, and if I slip up now, I'll make things so much harder. I've never been this close to goal. If I can just focus, and get there, then I can consider how to up my calories on a more permanent basis, and allow extra treats. I wish I could just give up sugar. I think I will seriously consider the paleo route again, once I'm at goal. It means no processed sugar at all, no dairy and no grain, if I follow it strictly. No DFM* either, which would be good, since I crashed and burned on the New Year's resolution there, after just a fortnight.

I really haven't got the hang of this moderation thing yet. Everything is done gung-ho, to extremes, be that my attitude or my eating habits. I know I'm only human. I can't be perfect all the time. I've been so focused for nearly a year now, so I'm sort of due a lapse in concentration. No one can sustain excellence the whole time. But damn! It's hard to cut myself some slack.


* Dark Fizzy Master = diet cola

Trying to cut myself some slack

I was in the shower this morning, beating myself up for being less than perfect with my food this last few days. I have had a calorie heavy start to the week and as much as I really enjoyed the pizza on Monday night, the chocolate, on both Sunday and Tuesday nights, was unnecessary. Delish, but unnecessary. And much as I told myself that I'd be so good for the next few weeks to try to lose my final few pounds, I just haven't been able to stay within 1200 cals. In a way, that's not a problem. I've run for the last four days, so I need more cals. And I'm upping my mileage, so that goes double for the extra fuel needed. But it's been the wrong fuel, and too much of it. Excess, thy name is Terry. As usual.

You get the point. Terry's giving herself a hard time. Then I caught myself on. Did I just listen to myself? I ran the last four days in a row! 

I am a runner! Who'd a thunk it???

How healthy am I! And this morning's run was double excellent. I was strong like bull.  For I was Terry, Seeker of Hills! I sought out every hill in my town that I normally avoid. And by jingo! If I didn't have a ball. Sweaty I certainly got, but I didn't come close to wanting to stop.

So I ate a full 80g bar of dark choc last night (with espresso coffee beans in it. *Drools in a manner worthy of Homer Simpson*) and it was 425 cals? So what! I earned 406 cals on my run this morning. I'm even. This isn't just about me losing weight. While that's important to me, it's not the be all and end all. This is my life, and I'm blooming living it. And en-friggin'-joying it!  How philosophical do I sound :-) Hope that mindset lasts when I step on the scales on Sunday.

So I'm currently on the train to work. I'm wearing TMM's cardi. He gave it to me a few months ago and I loved that it fitted me. Ahem *coughs modestly and blushes prettily* it now drowns me. I'm so grinning madly as I type that. The last two days at work, I've had a string of people doing double takes when they see me in the office, hear me speak and then realize that it's actually me, but they don't recognize me. I'm not exaggerating, there've been at least three different people each day. So I need to remember that too as I give myself guff for having the temerity to be human in the face of food temptation. How very dare I! I'm trying to overcome nearly fifty years of conditioning.

It ain't gonna happen overnight!