In the last twenty years, my weight's been up and down more times than a tart's drawers. It started six months before my wedding, early 1996. I was sixteen stone eight pounds. I went to a Weight Watcher class and asked the leader if she thought I could lose six stone in six months. She wasn't keen on the idea. Thought it was setting the bar too high. But I stuck to the programme like shit to a blanket. This was a bit before their "points" system came in and it was quite strict. But by God, I lost my six stone. I was just over ten and a half stone on my wedding day. Over the following year, I gradually lost a further stone. It was slow going. My body's way of telling me I didn't need to lose any more perhaps. It's the only time in the last twenty years that I've been within my officially correct BMI range. I haven't managed to hit it since, despite having lost significant amounts of weight on at least three other occasions.
It has to be admitted though, that while I loved being under ten stone, even though that was still considered the heavy end of my weight range, it was too light for me. I looked scrawny up top, especially around the collar bone. Think Cardasian neck ridges (a Star Trek reference) and you'll have an idea. It used to freak my wee brother right out. Despite looking a bit scraggly around the neck, WW at that time said the top end of my weight range was nine stone, so I never got to goal (at nine stone seven and a half pounds, on a five foot two frame.) They've since changed it, to be more in line with BMI so far as I know. So my goal now would be nine stone eleven at he top end of my range. At the time though, it was disheartening not to have hit goal and become a gold member. That was my ultimate goal, gold membership and not having to pay for weekly classes. You could go as often as you liked, but only once a month was mandatory to keep gold status. And you had to stay within four pounds either way of your goal weight.
I'm gutted I never achieved that and I think it's that failure that has coloured my view of my weight loss attempts ever since. I have never managed to hit an ultimate target, so have never managed to feel as if I've completed the task. I wonder sometimes if I ever will, or will I be stuck in a loss/gain cycle for the rest of my life, never feeling as if I've finished. Depressing much?
It has to be admitted though, that while I loved being under ten stone, even though that was still considered the heavy end of my weight range, it was too light for me. I looked scrawny up top, especially around the collar bone. Think Cardasian neck ridges (a Star Trek reference) and you'll have an idea. It used to freak my wee brother right out. Despite looking a bit scraggly around the neck, WW at that time said the top end of my weight range was nine stone, so I never got to goal (at nine stone seven and a half pounds, on a five foot two frame.) They've since changed it, to be more in line with BMI so far as I know. So my goal now would be nine stone eleven at he top end of my range. At the time though, it was disheartening not to have hit goal and become a gold member. That was my ultimate goal, gold membership and not having to pay for weekly classes. You could go as often as you liked, but only once a month was mandatory to keep gold status. And you had to stay within four pounds either way of your goal weight.
I'm gutted I never achieved that and I think it's that failure that has coloured my view of my weight loss attempts ever since. I have never managed to hit an ultimate target, so have never managed to feel as if I've completed the task. I wonder sometimes if I ever will, or will I be stuck in a loss/gain cycle for the rest of my life, never feeling as if I've finished. Depressing much?
Any who! Clearly, that first weight loss didn't last. (Neither did the marriage!) I did the classic when I regained my weight. I actually became heavier than I'd been before the loss. I had a new job and a lot more stress, longer hours and far less time off. I had less time to exercise and I couldn't be bothered to cook and eat properly. I eventually went up to twenty stone seven pounds. I was about a size twenty-eight by then and thoroughly depressed about it.
The next time I went to Weight Watchers, the points system was well in place and I lost a few stones, but again lost interest. It wasn't until a few years later that I had my best attempt, when I joined on line, took part in the on line community and wrote a blog on the site, which is how I knew that writing a blog kept me honest. My starting point that time was nineteen stone nine pounds. I was at it for two years and lost over seven stone. To this day I don't know what went wrong that time. I was down to size fourteen jeans and looked "normal" by which I mean no one would have given me a second glance on the street due to my weight (unless my dress sense caught their eye.) Again, I could slap myself senseless for letting myself go again. And despite a few further attempts at weight loss classes (I tried Slimming World and never fully got to grips with it but that's probably more to do with my state of mind than their programme) I never really had much success. I went it alone last year, used the MFP app, as I am now, and trained for the Belfast Marathon. I did okay, lost a bit of weight and got fit enough to complete the 26.2 miles on the day (that 0.2 miles is bloody important!) it took almost six and a half hours but I darn well did it. My next goal is to do better. Try for under five hours when I'm a better weight. Possibly next May. It's a bit late for this year especially given I haven't run since. That's another thing to be annoyed with myself about, letting that level of fitness go. Okay, I wasn't slim, even on the day of the race, but I was quite fit.
Anyway, there's no point beating myself up about my up and down weight loss history. Here I am now, doing my best to get it under control again. And who's to say I won't do it this time? Who's to say this won't be the last time I ever need to do it? This could genuinely be the time when I adjust my attitude to food and become a non-binger.
I live in eternal hope.
The next time I went to Weight Watchers, the points system was well in place and I lost a few stones, but again lost interest. It wasn't until a few years later that I had my best attempt, when I joined on line, took part in the on line community and wrote a blog on the site, which is how I knew that writing a blog kept me honest. My starting point that time was nineteen stone nine pounds. I was at it for two years and lost over seven stone. To this day I don't know what went wrong that time. I was down to size fourteen jeans and looked "normal" by which I mean no one would have given me a second glance on the street due to my weight (unless my dress sense caught their eye.) Again, I could slap myself senseless for letting myself go again. And despite a few further attempts at weight loss classes (I tried Slimming World and never fully got to grips with it but that's probably more to do with my state of mind than their programme) I never really had much success. I went it alone last year, used the MFP app, as I am now, and trained for the Belfast Marathon. I did okay, lost a bit of weight and got fit enough to complete the 26.2 miles on the day (that 0.2 miles is bloody important!) it took almost six and a half hours but I darn well did it. My next goal is to do better. Try for under five hours when I'm a better weight. Possibly next May. It's a bit late for this year especially given I haven't run since. That's another thing to be annoyed with myself about, letting that level of fitness go. Okay, I wasn't slim, even on the day of the race, but I was quite fit.
Anyway, there's no point beating myself up about my up and down weight loss history. Here I am now, doing my best to get it under control again. And who's to say I won't do it this time? Who's to say this won't be the last time I ever need to do it? This could genuinely be the time when I adjust my attitude to food and become a non-binger.
I live in eternal hope.
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