Visualization

That's what I'm doing. I'm thinking of myself as a size ten. A petite, short woman instead of the wide-as-I-am-tall version of me that I am now. I am walking taller and smiling a bit more with that image in mind. In my head, I'm wearing nice jeans and a tee shirt that fits me perfectly, with a decent bra, so my boobs look good. I have a real bee in my bonnet about looking good in a tee shirt some day. It seems a bit daft when I write it down, but it helps.

I weigh in tomorrow. It feels like I should be on for a loss, signs are good. But I won't know till the dreaded step on the scales. I'd love to lose four pounds, and hit the two stone mark. That's not realistic at this stage. That would be a big loss after eight weeks. My body has got used to living on fewer calories by now, it's adapted a bit. So big losses, like four ponds are unlikely. Still, it doesn't hurt to hope.

Same old, same old

There's really nothing new going on at the minute. I'm still in my positive mind set, hoping for a big loss this week, to get me closer to two stone off and much further in to the sixteens. I've been consuming less calories during the day, leaving more for the evening, meaning I had calories left over for some cheese yesterday, for the first time in weeks, and some dark chocolate today, for the first time all week. TMM got the shopping for the dinner today and he bought me diet Pepsi, my dark fizzy master (DFM) or Satan's piss, as he prefers to call it, (I drink too much of it. In his opinion and mine. But I'm addicted. What can I tell you!) and the chocolate. He's brilliant at remembering to buy me stuff like that, and it's important to me. It makes me feel very supported and cared for.

Soup and clothes

I am so going to turn in to a bowl of soup one of these days! No complaints, there are infinite varieties of soup to keep me interested. But I think TMM will get bored of it eventually. I had loads of cals left for dinner, so I even added some dried soup mix. I boiled up a turkey drumstick and added veg. It was like turkey flavours scotch broth. Very filling. That's four days of this weigh in week done and I haven't gone over yet.

I felt good in work today. I was wearing a top that felt a tad tight even when I bought it, and had become too small a long time ago. I felt one of my work fleeced was even bigger on me too. I felt good in my clothes today. I'm definitely walking a bit taller recently because I'm feeling better about myself.

Making a difference

I think one of the main differences between this weight loss attempt and previous ones is that I tell myself that every single thing that I eat counts. On other occasions, I sometimes, not all the time, but enough to know I did it, would let small extras slide. If I knew that I was going to go just a little over, I wouldn't always adapt what I was eating. This time around, though I have still had days when I've gone over the allowance, if I see it coming, I will genuinely try to avoid it. Example? All this weekend I had a packet of those Millions sweets in my bag. I bought them on Friday. I still haven't eaten them because I just haven't had 270 cals to spare. Previously I would sometimes have told myself that 270 cals isn't a big deal and would have just eaten them. I'm really going to try to keep cultivating my current attitude. It's much more likely to succeed. Today I even managed to only have a single portion of Options Hot Chocolate. If I'd had two portions it would only have been a few cals over, but I held back and stayed within my allowance. And I weighed out my chicken breast. I weigh as much as I can when I cook, in order to stay on track. Yay me!

Time is something I've been thinking of. Sounds very existential, doesn't it?  I just mean that it passes. Eventually. I mean, nearly two months ago I decided to give weight loss yet another go. I was massively overweight and had a huge amount of work ahead. It's so tempting to think, "Why bother? I'm never gonna get there." But I got started, and in the blink of an eye, I'm almost two months, and two stone, down the line. It passes. It's just remembering that as each day seems to crawl by. Remembering that here I am, at the end of a fifty day streak of eating well, when it originally felt as if a week took forever to pass.

A matter of perspective

It's funny how the same weight can feel different, provoke a different response, depending on what direction you're coming to it from. Here I am, at sixteen stone twelve pounds, and delighted to say that, because the number sixteen is involved. Sixteen stone something sounds so much less obese somehow, even a high sixteen something, than eighteen something. Yeah, I know that sounds kind of obvious. And I know sixteen stone etc is still morbidly obese for the short of stature woman that I am. Still, that's how it feels. It's like when you put one hand in hot water and the other in cold. Then you dip both in lukewarm water. The water is the same temperature on both hands, but it feels different on each because of where they started. So if I weighed in at sixteen stone twelve, but had, a few weeks previously, been two stone lighter, it would be a whole different story. It's all about perspective.

I'm feeling good today because of the steady progress I'm making. TMM still swears that he can really see a difference already. He always makes me feel good about myself, fat or thin, losing or gaining. I know I'm lucky to have such great, consistent support. Mum is behind me too. She bought me a pair of trousers in the M&S sale last week, which I got on Friday when I visited. They were originally about £30, then reduced a few times. By the time they were on the "last chance" rail, they were £2.50! Then she got 20% discount, et voila, really nice khaki trousers (vaguely combat style) for £2. I got a to in ASDA that matches both it and my red DMs. So that's another feminized military type ensemble sorted. I do like that look. The thing is, when I decided to wear it to work today, I could swear that even I could see a difference too. So I'm smiling away to myself this afternoon.

Today's task is going to be checking out a new, low in fat, recipe for dinner. TMM was supposed to be off, and would probably have cooked, but he's been called in to work, so I'll make something. I want to make an effort to find new stuff to make, so I don't get bored. Hence I shall trawl t'interweb. I will report my findings later, as well as the resulting meal.

Update:

Tonight's dinner was a success. Slightly different ingredients and a nice change. I used cous cous, cooked in chicken stock with mushrooms, cooked diced pork with dried sage and fresh onions and tried purple sprouting broccoli for the first time too. Today's calories are within allowance. A good food day.

236lb

Two and a half pounds off. I'll take that, thank you very much. And into the sixteen stone bracket! Yes!!! It's a relief, after my mild worries of going over on a couple of days. This week it felt like there were more "over" days than not. It's clear, and not unexpected, that after seven weeks, the big losses of six and four pounds have dropped off. But these two pound losses are still excellent. I will be more than glad of a two pound loss in the months to come, as more weight comes off. There will definately come a day when two pounds counts as a big loss.

I'm feeling really good today. It's always the way on a Sunday when I've had a loss. Of course, that's been every week so far bar one. It's still very early days in the weight loss efforts of someone who has eight stone or so to lose. But I'm almost at the two stone mark already. Just three and a half pounds more! With a massively good week this week, I could hit two stone next Sunday. I'm really going to try not to aim for that though. Well, I'll aim for it, but not expect it. I really do aim to be extra good this qweek. That will take me to eight weeks of healthy food. Then I'll be thinking seriously about starting to exercise. There's really no excuse anymore, now that I'm into the sixteens.

Is it narcisitic of me that I keep going in to the mfp app just to look at my weight loss graph, or to see the figures on screen? It's like it makes my progress real, I suppose. It helps to keep me motivated. On the slightly negative side though, it also makes me a wee bit more obsessive.

Here are a few of my progress graphs. Yip. Obsessive it is then!

Potty talk

It's that usual Saturday night, pre weigh in, nervous feeling again. I know I've done okay this week, but not quite as well as I normally do. I went a little over some days. Not much, but enough to make me doubt myself. Have I done enough to have a loss? At Mum's, last night, I ate pasta, which I wouldn't do at home. I think I allowed enough cals for it, but it's hard to say. And not being in charge of the cooking, I don't know exactly what went into the tomato and mince beef sauce that she made, though I know she used 5% fat mince. I could have asked her what all went in to it, she'd have been more than happy to tell me, but I didn't want to come across as too pedantic about the whole thing.

Breakfast was a different matter. I knew exactly what went into that. Three eggs each, scrambled, and 170g of smoked salmon between us. It was the start of quite a satifying day, foodwise. For lunch, I had the rest of the chowder that I'd made a couple of days ago. It wasn't a massive portion, but it was heavy enough as far as colories were concerned. It was filling though, and I was able to get through till teatime without eating anything else.

For dinner I made a chic pea and roast red pepper curry. It was a recipe that I got from a blog that sends me updates every day. It bugs me that it was supposed to be a healthy recipe, yet even if I only ate the advised portion (and let's face it, that's not likely to happen) it would have been quite high calorie. There can be some quite high cal ingedients in a lot of these suggested "healthy" recipes. Thankfully though, I'm not one to stick to a recipe to the letter. I will happily take out the oil, using One Cal spray oil instead, and usually avoid dairy products, or at least substitute in a low fat version. This curry wasn't too hard to adapt, but some of the so called healthy ideas in the blog posts are for buns and bread. They are all still quite high, and I think, unhealthy. But then, I don't have a normal appetite. I usually want to eat the whole thing, especially if it's something really sweet and tasty, and can never stop at one slice, or even two. Maybe these recipes are healthy if you don't eat all round you, like I do, given the opportunity.

As well as going a bit over on some days, another concern that I have for my success this week is that I feel like I need to do a big poo. I haven't been constipated as such, but I also haven't felt the satisfaction of a job well done either, if you know what I mean. I love to "get a load off" tonight, and be lighter for the morning. I know it's very superficial, but it would make me happier.

Making it hard for myself

I'm a bit daft sometimes. I put temptation in my own path. This morning I bought ham for lunch in my usual wee shop (I'm still eating too much processed meat. I will really have to work on that) and I saw packets of chewy sweets that I love, called "Millions." They are tiny balls of fruity, chewy yumminess, and I couldn't resist buying a packet. It's not massive, but I can't see a weight on it, so I've no way of knowing till I can weigh them how many calories are involved if (who am I kidding? When.) I eat them. But I do know that there are 400 cals per 100g. And as they sit in my bag, at this very moment, I'm so tempted to eat them. However, I'm going to hold off if I can. I don't know what Mum has planned for dinner tonight (I'm staying the night) and after being over yesterday, I want to make up for it a bit today. Without eating the sweets or having the low fat hot chocolate that is also in my bag, I have 850 cals left for the day. That's enough of a cushion to hopefully not go over allowance, even though I'm not in control of the cooking tonight. Actually,  this blogging lark helps. I feel a lot less likely to eat extras now that I've gotten it off my chest. Coolaboola! 

More sunshiny optimism

It really is amazing how the weather affects one's mood. I've been feeling so good and optimistic this last couple of days and the trend has continued today. The sun is shining and I'm smiling and feeling really good about myself and my chances of success at getting healthy and, dare I say, slim. 

I'm planning a lovely, light seafood chowder for dinner. TMM can have bread with it if he needs to bulk it up a bit. It should be plenty substantial enough. I want to have a little less red meat and salt in our diet. So far this week, I've been within my allowance each day, and I don't want that to change. I know that my weight loss will be slowing down, now the initial weeks are over, so I want to maximize my efforts.

Well, dang! So much for that idea! I made the chowder. It was gorgeous.  But I ate A LOT of it. (I have said before that greed is my factory setting) so I went over today's allowance by 164 cals. Still under 1400 for the day, but not what I planned. Roll on a better day tomorrow.  Mind you, it was a helluva chowder. :-)

Optimism

It was a lovely sunny day today, and warm. It felt like the first day of Summer, arrived early. It made me feel light hearted. I enjoyed my journey from, and even to, work. A bit of sunshine makes all the difference, especially when you are traveling on the coast. There's nothing like looking out over the sea, in sunshine.

My mood was enhanced by thoughts of my weight loss. The fact that I've consistently eaten healthily for six weeks now has made me optimistic about the chances of my ultimate success, with this as my final foray into being fat. Even when I am happily within a healthy weight range, I'm sure I will always have to be conscious of my relationship with food. It is definitely unhealthy. I'd say it boarders on obsessive. I think I have an addictive personality, and that manifests in how I deal with food. But in my positive mood today, that didn't seem burdensome. I felt that as long as I get to my goal, I can deal with how I treat food long term.

I even felt good in my clothes today. Actually, I've felt like that all week so far. It's a great way to feel. It makes me smile and walk tall. It even makes me nicer in work! Long may it continue. It's down to me sticking to my calorie allowance and knowing that I'm not cheating myself. I am having small amounts of chocolate as a treat, not feeling deprived, and working it in to my daily food. I'm not having it every day, so it actually is a treat and not an entitlement.

Yip. I'm feeling good :-)

I want a smaller bum

Many are the reasons. Most of them are related to all sorts of public seating that are definitely not made for the more generously proportioned arse! I can't wait to feel train seats get a bit more roomy. Taxis, plane seats, buses too. Let's just say public transport in general. Theatre seats, that's another good one. I've been on that side of weight loss before and it feels great to suddenly realize that there's more room either side of your bum and that you're not squished in between the arm rests. I hate having to find a seat on the train at the last minute, knowing that I take up more than my fair share of the seat. So I end up touching the person beside me with the sides of my thighs, invading their space. I get very self consciousness about it. And I'm equally conscious of spilling out on to the other side, into the aisle. I feel as if I'm getting in the way of people trying to get past.

I went out for coffee with my cuz this evening. We met straight after work, and I thought of getting food, but the cafe stopped serving full meals just before I got there, so my choices were limited. I was left with sausage rolls or cakes and buns. I was very hungry and decided that a packet of salted crisps was the least of the available evils. They were relatively high in cals at 265 for a 50g bag. I had the cals but would have prefered to spend them on proper food. Still, it kept full-on hunger at bay. At home, I had some chicken breast, but was hungry again later. TMM had a couple of burgers left over from what he'd cooked for his dinner while I'd been out, but I didn't want to eat one of them, thinking it unlikely that I'd be able to stop at just one. I had some dark choc instead, and was able to stop at that. I ended the day within target.

Are some changes visible already?

TMM says, "Yes." I don't see how they could be yet. Eighteen and a half stone down to seventeen isn't that big a difference. But he says he can see it in my face and waist.  Well, it's very encouraging anyway. And the thought of bodily changes and dropping a couple more pounds this week helped keep me motivated after TMM cooked a bolognese for dinner last night. He shredded carrots for me as a lighter option than the linguine that he had. I had enough calories to allow myself some Parmesan cheese. I was very well behaved, weighing 40g as I grated it, so I knew exactly what I was consuming.  And I really enjoyed it. Totally guilt free. 

It was a guilt free kinda day. Later, I had chai tea. The cinnamon flavour seems vaguely sweet and I didn't miss having some chocolate,  even though there in 100g of gorgeous Green & Blacks in the cupboard. I feel so virtuous.  A veritable saint, I tells ya! I even drew me with a halo :-) (I'm also up for canonization because I have thus far resisted the lure of a mid week weigh in.) 

I'm looking forward to going out for coffee with my cousin after work today. I have to decide if I'm going to have something to eat while we're out. It's so much harder to remain in control while eating out, but it's part of life, so I need to be able to deal with it. I think I'll bring some chicken to work, and a couple of apples to stave off the worst of the hunger, then see how I feel. I can always have soup afterwards. TMM thinks I'm a soup queen at the moment. He might be right. I think I'm going to turn in to a pot of soup!

Portion control

TMM and I love our food. And we dish up big portions. Whether he's on galley duty or I am, we serve up equal amounts to each other. That amounts to a lot of food for a small (in height, if not in volume) woman. But last night, I was very proud of myself when I didn't eat everything on my plate. I put some chicken and potatoes in the fridge for later. The chicken for today's lunch, and the potatoes can go into a frittata later in the week. I will grant you that two chicken breasts for dinner is over indulgence by most people's standards, but that wouldn't have stopped me eating it before. In fact, I will guarantee that at some point I will eat two in one sitting again. But for yesterday at least, I managed to stop when I was full, and not when my plate was empty. I've managed to do it before, and then gone back to old habits, but I'm going to take each win that I get and run with it.

I didn't have enough cals over to do the rest of yesterday's dark chocolate justice, so I have some low fat hot choc drink instead, and stayed on target. All in all, I'm pleased with my day yesterday. I don't think I'll be having chocolate today either. TMM is cooking, so I like to have a few extra cals in reserve, just in case. He's brilliant at keeping the packaging for me, so I can see the labels. The last time that he made a pork stir-fry, he wrote a list of all the ingredients he used, including amounts, so I could count it all up. 

TMM went out for a run early on yesterday and it got me thinking about starting some exercise. I know I've mentioned it before. It's on my mind a bit. So I will have to start doing something soon.

And this week I am not weighing myself every day!

238.6lb

3.2 pounds off! Yes! That makes up for last week. Okay, so I didn't quite get under 238 and make it in to the sixteen stone bracket, but that's in the post. I'll get there very soon. That's twenty-two pounds off in total, in the six weeks. Bloody good going. I'm feeling good about the whole process today. It's a great thing, to feel that the effort's been worth while. And now, to reign it in a wee bit, so I don't go overboard and celebrate with ice cream :-)

Actually, I'm now wondering what to have for breakfast. Sometimes, the day's calories stretch out ahead of me, full of promise, and I just don't know what to eat to make the best use out of them, and also get the most enjoyment. Yip. I over think these things. Big style! 

For now, it will definately involve coffee. Possibly some of last night's tomato soup since it was so low in cals. Also, it's sitting there ready, no prep necessay. Plus, I don't want it wasted.

As far a treat goes, I actually had some dark chocolate last night. I bought Green & Blacks, one with orange and spices and one with ginger. Oh my goodnesss! Both were gorgeous. I ate half a bar of each. Not a great idea, the night before weigh in, and it took me over for the day (though I still averaged out under for the week) If I have cals left over today, I will eat the rest. But it's a habit I will not be getting in to. I should never have bought two bars. I wouldn't have been tempted to eat the whole bar if I'd bought only one flavour, but I ate exactly that quantity when I bought two. Back to staying within my limits today. The sixteen stone mark beckons.

A whole new wardrobe becomes available

Recently, Mum bought me some cords from M & S. She bought me two pairs, UK size 22, on sale. She often does that, goes out with her friend, shopping, and buys me stuff if she sees something in my size, especially when I'm big. I wore the first pair twice before I washed them. Then I didn't try them again because I didn't want to feel how much they'd tightened up through washing. They were tight enough before I washed them, and at that point, I was only getting fatter. I didn't wear the other pair even once. Today I decided to try them on. I figured eighteen pounds off must have made a difference. And it did. Both fit. In fact, both are a little loose! So I'll wear them a lot for the next few weeks, I think, get some use out of them before I get even smaller. I went out for lunch with TMM, feeling very pleased with myself. I did have a moment of self doubt as I wondered just how middle aged I'd become, to actually be wearing corduroy. But then I told myself that the DMs cancelled the cords out, so I was okay. That's what I choose to believe, okay! ;-)

TMM and I went to our fave cafe for lunch, and I had a big fry up, with no guilt. I'd worked out before what the average calorie spend would be, even allowing for the food being fried. It was about 800 cals. A lot, yes, but okay given I hadn't had breakfast, so this counted for brekkie and lunch. We went to Cafe Nero a while later, after we'd knocked about the town for a while. He had a caramel square (which I love) but having eaten the fry, I decided to have just coffee at that time, to leave enough cals for tomato soup for tea, and possibly some dark chocolate. As a matter of interest though, I looked up the calories in the gingerbread muffin. They are my favourite flavour. If it had been low enough, I'm sure I would have talked myself in to having one, at the expense of real food later. There was no chance of that though. Over 500 cals!!! I guess I though it might be 250, which I'd have happily spent. But the bun was equivalent to two thirds of my whole fry up! Not good bang for my buck! The exact opposite of the tomato soup that I made, which was about eighty cals per big bowl. 

Is my phone sulking with me???

I really mean the MyFitnessPal app. It sends out notifications if I don't log a meal, or if I haven't logged in at all during the day. While I'm as focused as I currently am though, I log in a lot, so the notifications aren't necessary. I don't know if there's been an update, but the notifications are coming in thick and fast, even when I already have logged my food, so I swipe the phone and just get rid of them. But I think the app's taken umbrage :-) It sent a notification today to say that it didn't seem like the notifications were useful to me. A notification to say it's stopping the notifications. Ironic. But it sounded a bit huffy, if you ask me. How can it tell that I don't use them? Honestly, technology boggles my mind. So yeah, MFP has fallen out with me. Teehee.

Despite it's capricious nature, the phone's a darn useful tool for counting the calories and keeping track of the sorts of foods that I'm eating on a regular basis. And the database of foods that it has is amazingly extensive, generic foods as well as brands. It also has a bar code reader which is very useful. My phone is like my right arm these days, especially in my weight loss efforts. I track and blog from it. I'd be kind of lost without it. As I said, technology, mind boggling!

I used the word notification(s) seven times in that. Eight now :-D

That way lies madness

Weighing myself every morning? Not a good idea. But it's Thursday now, so I've just decided to give myself over to it for the rest of this week, then return to sanity on Monday. Hopefully! I'd really like to get back to just weighing myself on a Sunday morning. Even on a week when I know that my period is due! But for this week, I'll roll with it.

And now for something completely different. I've got a favourite look for work at the moment. Combat trousers, a tee shirt or jumper and DMs that match the top. Basically, I want to look like Ziva from NCIS (who wouldn't???) It's kind of a sexy look on a woman, I think. But I really really want to be thinner and rocking that ensemble. I know I'm too old to dress like that in some people's opinion, but fuck 'em! It's practical for work, and I love it. It's kind of a feminized military look. I think I will draw the line at camo trousers though :-) It's another wee thing to aim for, another motivator. Just keep saying it to myself. "I want to be the Irish Ziva. I want to be the Irish Ziva!"

Naughty sneak peek

I had a quick jump on the scales this morning, since my period's almost over. I had to, I tells ya! I had to see if I was on the right track. I couldn't bear if I didn't lose again this week, as I've continued to be so careful. It's looking as if I should lose a couple of pounds safely enough, though I have to be careful to tell myself that there are never any guarantees of that, regardless of how the mid week peek looks.

TMM is working late tonight, so I'm catering for a lone dinner tonight. There's a freedom in that, though I never mind cooking for both of us (and he does his share too) It's nice though, to just make something exactly to my own taste occasionally. I cooked some chicken breasts to have at work. The protein hit helps keep me feeling full and it's a better sourse than the overly processed, salty cooked hams that I've been buying. If there's one thing I'm eating too much of at the moment it's salt and sugar free...if there're two things I'm eating too much of at the moment it's salt, sugar free cola and home made...okay! If there are three things I'm eating too much of at the moment it's salt, sugar free cola and home made soup (which adds to the salt thing)

But I do love my soups right now. Tasty, filling and relatively low cal. I made a lentil and bacon one tonight. It was yummy. Food in general has been good this week so far. I'm really trying to stay on track to make my mid week prediction of a loss come true. 

Reasons to lose weight

Despite what I've said in a previous post about being obsessed with how I look, as I get older, I find that losing weight is less and less about looks, and more about health. I can't claim that the desire to look good has left me entirely, but it's definitely become less of a priority. When I made my first serious attempt, twenty odd years ago, it was all about getting smaller for my wedding day. I lost seven stone that time. The marriage didn't last. Neither did the weight loss!

However, while they are mostly health based, some of my motivations are still pretty daft and trite. I refer you to guitar based reasons further below. 

First though, the sensible ones. I am so breathy when I walk any distance at all these days. I get sweaty and out of breath really quickly and that doesn't sit well with me, especially when this time last year my marathon training meant that I could run sixteen miles on a Saturday morning. Even my five minute walk to the train station bums me out sometimes these days.

I also want to have better breath and tone when I sing. Losing weight would be a big help there. My voice is changing with age as it is. I'd like to preserve it as long as I can. 

I recently bouught a gorgeous Fender jumbo acoustic guitar. Seriously, it's a true thing of beauty. Isn't it gorgeous!

I want to be smaller so it actually looks jumbo on me. At the moment, I'm so big that it looks like a normal sized guitar. I love the look of a tiny woman with a big guitar. I'm only five foot two, I could be that petite woman with the massive guitar if I was a sensible weight/size.

Back to a sensible reason again. I want to stop a lot of health worries especially as regards my heart. I want to be healthy and live for years with TMM.

Now a reason based in vanity. TMM is six foot tall and a lot lighter than me. I'd like to look small compared to him. I want to feel small and feminine compared to him. I want to weigh less than him for a change. I know I don't have to be smaller or lighter than him to feel feminine, and he's never intimated that my weight makes him see me as anything less than a gorgeous, sexy woman. It's entirely about me, my self image. He supports and loves me, regardless of how my weight fluctuates. He wants me happy and healthy, that's all.

The Main Man and I are talking about going on holiday in a few months. Nothing's decided yet, but I'd like my arse to be at least a couple of sizes smaller before I attempt to fit it in a seat on an economy airline flight.

I'd also like to stop feeling self conscious when I leave the house. When I go out, I tend to feel as if people are looking at me. In my sensible head, l'm sure they're not. I'm sure they have better things to look at and think about. But I don't tend to dress conservatively. My clothes are bright, I love coloured DMs and I wear hats, so I don't hide myself, fat or not. Still, it would be lovely to dress as I want to, hats, DMs, shawls and all, without being so aware of my size. Then if someone on the street took exception to my appearance, which has happened, it wouldn't be to berate me for my size, just my fashion sense.  

I like to look a bit different, which seems contradictory when I also say I want to be less self conscious, I suppose. But I like to have my own style, not look like someone who's just copied a magazine picture (not that I'm going to look like a magazine model at five foot two and morbidly obese. Even a plus size one). I love my clothes sense. I love carrying an old fashioned wicker shopping basket instead of a recyclable bag. I just want to have my own unique style and not worry about my size.

Quite a few reasons there. Let's see if they're enough to keep me motivated. 

Upbeat kinda day

I'm feeling sunshiny and optimistic. Despite a pants weigh in yesterday, I was relatively upbeat today, and found it easy to stay on target. So much so in fact, that I have calories over at the moment, so I feel some dark chocolate will play a part in my near future, maybe even some grapes! Oh, the extravagance. :-) I had protein, in the form of cooked ham, at both breakfast and lunch. I'm pretty sure that it helped keep me full. I'm quite surprised that I wasn't more tempted by rubbish food today, given it's that time of the month, but I'll be thankful for small mercies and not question it.

While I've still got a very long way to go, even the fact that I'm trying to do something about my weight and health is making me feel better about myself. Yes, I can feel a bit down when I think how far I have to go, but at least I've started. I'm not getting any bigger. I think I can even feel a miniscule difference in the way the train seat feels on my commute. It's as if I don't quite squish out the edges anymore. I feel a lot more light hearted about myself.

Must have a good week

This honestly thing is tough. When I started to write this blog, I told myself that there was no point unless I was going to be 100% truthful. And that was fine. Until I had to admit to a gain, even such a small one, yesterday. I stepped on and off the scales in the vain hope that the read out would change. When that didn't happen, and it was clear I'd gained half a pound, I played with the idea that perhaps I could say I'd stayed the same. Better than admitting to gaining. But I was able to make myself be honest. Why spoof? Who am I trying to kid? Most people have occasion to gain a little at some point, even after a good week. I just need to pick up and move on. I've done nothing too much wrong over the past five weeks, so losses will follow, just a bit more slowly than the initial few weeks.

Well, my period arrived. I'm surfing the crimson tide! So that could be a valid reason for a slight gain. Regardless of that though, I'm gonna be even more weight obsessed this week. I must try not to weigh ever day. I will also try not to go over my calorie allowance at all, to ensure (as far as that's possible) a loss this week. I might even suggest to TMM that we go for a couple of walks to start getting a little gentle exercise. It's time for me to think about getting up earlier before work rack morning, to do some sort of work out. I'm thinking of body weight exercises initially. Squats, sit ups, planks, leg raises, that sort of thing. The wonderful thing about the interweb is that there is a wealth of stuff available on line, immediately usable. No need to have a DVD posted to me, I can browse YouTube and just see what I want. 

242.2lb

What else is there to do, but have a coffee and be philosophical about it? Damn. That's not easy!

Why? Well, I'm not a happy camper today. You've no idea how many times I stepped on and off those scales, hoping to see different numbers. Hell, I've no idea how many times I did it! I know I bookended my week with two less in control meals than normal,  but I was so careful the rest of the week, there's no way I should have gained. I know my period is due, so I'm just going to have to hope that that's the reason for being half a pound up. I'm also going to hope that it's here and gone by this day week, so I can get back to losing. I'm going to have to stay motivated and wait another week to hopefully get a result. I so wanted to get into the sixteen stone mark. Now its four and a half pounds away.

Just cut the horns off

Dinner with the girlies was great craic last night. My two sisters and four of my cousins and I went out for the evening and had a ball. It's not very often we all get together so I'd been looking forward to it.  Not so sure I was equally looking forward to the loss of control that eating out entails. But it was made easier when no one wanted a starter. I figured I'd had a main and a dessert. But then no one wanted dessert either. So that made things much healthier. I would definitely have had sticky toffee pudding otherwise. But it's all good. It will be better for weigh in tomorrow and left me with more possibilities today.

As far as my meal was concerned, mmmm I feel a Homer Simpson-esque drool coming on. I had a 10oz skeak, rare of course. (Hence the phrase "Just cut the horns off".) I had parmesean chips as well. But even allowing for fried chips with a bit of cheese, I reckon I finished the day only a couple of hundred cals over. No dessert, not such a bad thing, I'm thinking in hindsight.

I finally told Mum about my loss so far over the past month. She's well pleased for me and very supportive. She was very keen to hear how I'm doing it. She's really not a big user of technology. Let's face it, she's really daft when it comes to it. That's not an insult, should she ever read this. It's just the way it is. She's certainly never going to own a mobile phone so she'll never use the MFP app. I told her about it though and she thought it was great, especially the way I can plan and count recipes with it. She had me count a couple of her soups. I was surprised at hoe light the lentil one turned out, so I made that today.

When I told one of my sisters, she was all for me starting to work out with her. She does a lot of strenght training at a gym in Belfast. She goes in really early, before work. I coukd do that. That was my time to run. But I need to decide if it would be realistic to join a gym in Belfast. Would I stick with it? I have a few pounds to lose before I'm going to start any regular exercise.

But enough.  Fingers crossed for weigh in tomorrow morning.  Wish me luck. Please.

Little victories

When I was following Weight Watchers, we had what we called NSVs, Non Scales Victories. That is, anything that made you realize you were getting fitter and healthier that wasn't just about the numbers on the scales. Anything counts. Being able to climb the stairs more easily, fitting into clothes better, or for me, being able to put my foot on the opposite knee, without having to haul it there, in order to put my socks on. Well, today's NSV is clothing related. I have two fleece jackets that I keep in work and both of them feel looser. I'm not sure I should be feeling a difference in my clothing this early on, it could all be in my head. Still, it's making me feel good, so I'll take it, thank you very much.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you! I cracked under the pressure and I weighed myself again this morning. I know. I know I said I'd fight not to do it, but in truth, I didn't fight very hard. I was lighter than yesterday but still heavier than my last official weigh in. So I'm still not counting it. At least I can't weigh myself tomorrow. I'm staying at Mum's tonight, and her scales hate me. They weigh heavier than mine. I never weigh on different scales. I figured out another reason I could be weighing heavier. It's about three hours earlier than I normally weigh myself. Yeah, okay, clutchin' at straws here. You can't blame a girl for trying :-)

What a beautiful morning

It's going to be a good day. That is all :-)

Sausages for dinner

I was soooo hungry when I got home from work. It finally occured to me earlier that it might be because I'm due my period. That's also possibly why I'm weighing heavy. But it's cold comfort when I'm sitting in work, it's 3.30pm, and I'm desperately trying to convince myself that I can wait till I get home to eat. I called to the shop in order to buy stuff to make a chicken curry. I thought I could make a satisfying meal, but stay calorie light by using grated cauliflower instead of rice.

I was delighted when I got home to discover that TMM had started to cook dinner. I was disappointed though to see he was cooking sausages. I guess I just assume that he knows what is high in cals and what is not. But he didn't think there was any problem with sausages. It's not even as if they are "good" sausages. The ones we like are really cheap. The closest they've probably come to actual pork will have been when they were delivered to the shop, if they were driven past a field with a pig in it!  

I hate to appear like an ungrateful wretch. It's so lovely to come home and have dinner cooked for one. But I'm trying so hard to be good, and I'm nearly five weeks in. I really wasn't keen to have sausages. But I calculated how much of my allowance was left. I had nearly 800 cals to play with. It's a Hugh advantage to eat so lightly at work. Half of the sausages came to 450. And there were enough cals over for spuds, carrots,  broccoli and samphire. If I wasn't such a greedy hallion, I wouldn't have eaten half of the snags. I could easily have left some of them. But I was hungry and I had the allowance to cover them. So I ate them. And I have to say, it was a very filling meal. Far more satisfactory than the big bowls of soup last night. Protein definitely adds to the satiation factor. 

Today is yet another day when I hit my calorie goal almost exactly. I haven't managed this week to make up for going over on Sunday.  And I haven't saved any cals, so I can have a comfortable cushion of extras for going out to dinner tomorrow night. I will have to be very careful with food at work tomorrow,  make sensible choices when I'm out and then make up any deficit on Saturday, before weighing in on Sunday. It hasn't been a straightforward week.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of watching one's weight!

The next lesson...

...is to NOT weigh myself midweek! I don't know why I did it. Maybe to give myself a boost. I found yesterday, especially the evening, a bit difficult. I was hungry, even after I'd eaten, and had to really work at persuading myself not to eat more. I went to bed a bit hungry. Thankfully, I didn't wake up with my stomach growling. 

I stepped on the scales, though I know it's not wise to get into the habit of weighing myself more than once a week. And I was up a pound and a half! Darn! It's not as if I count that as an official weight, not till Sunday morning's scales hop, but it's not exactly encouraging. Now I'm going to have to work really hard to stop myself stepping on them again tomorrow morning. I have to tell myself that it means nothing. Other than going a couple of hundred cals over on Sunday, I've had a good week, thus far. This morning's weight is neither a harbinger of doom or a sign that I'll do well. It's indicative of nothing, other than this morning's weight. So. On with the day!

I'm constantly hungry today. And what's worse, constantly aware of it. I'm due to take my period soon, so perhaps that's why. I do get hungrier just before I surf the crimson tide. It makes it hard to stay away from sweets while I'm working. So I will try to keep my sweet tooth at bay, at least till I get home.

No! Inspiration has just struck. I forgot that I bought some low fat hot chocolate on the way in to work this morning. Yay! I can have that. Eighty cals, and a sweet treat, beats the Hell out of 300 or so cals of jelly beans. Go me! I'm so clever :-)

And the lesson for today is...

...lose weight in order to make it easier on my back when I don't get a seat on the train. It rarely happens, thank goodness, but today, after work, I ended up standing for the first part of the journey. I'm just thankful for small mercies that I had something to lean against. It definitely made it a bit less painful. But carrying all this extra weight was murder.

It also makes it more difficult to get past people in the aisle between the seats. I was very self conscience as I brushed past them. I know I had to push in to their space more than is comfortable. I hate that my size means I have to push against them. They have no say in it. I'm cringing, just remembering it. I am often quite brusque when I do it, my way of pretending nit to be embarrassed, but actually, inside I'm scundered.

Food's been okay so far. I still have about 200 calories left, and I'm deciding whether or not to eat them. I made potato and leek soup and I have a pot of onion and smoked paprika cooking. As I foretold on Sunday, there's a lot of soup on the menu this week, to keep the cals down a bit.

Keeping the momentum going

I've had a brilliant first four weeks. No one can deny that. So now, I want to use that as encouragement to keep going and stay motivated. Food's been good. Would that I could get up the same enthusiasm for exercise. TMM told me that he'd been for a run this morning after I'd left for work. I was a bit jealous. I'd really like to start running again. Maybe I can take off another stone or so and get started. I should do some strength work first though. Some body weight exercises perhaps. That would start me off. So far, my success has all been down to eating well. I would get healthier more efficiently if I exercised as well.

I went out for coffee with my friend this evening. I'd had a massive bowl of hme made turkey and vegetable soup before hand (that roast turkey on Sunday was just the meal that keeps on giving), so I wasn't even remotely tempted to have a bun. We had coffee and yarned for an hour and a half and have decided that when she comes back from Spain next week (she's away for a week as of Friday) then we are going to both start being good together. We're going to aim for a size fourteen rather than a weight. That feels a bit more encouraging somehow. 

Sunday wasn't too bad

I'm really not sure how accurately I logged yesterday's food. It was hard to be exact. But I tried working out the stuffing with the usual method. I entered all the ingredients into MFP as a recipe. All 185g of butter and about twelve slices of white bread, maybe fourteen. I erred on the side of caution and counted it as fourteen. The calorie total was horrendous at nearly 900 cals for half the amount made. That's high! So I double checked my ingredients. Seems correct as far as I can tell. I ate a lot of it, but not 900 cals worth. In fact, I didn't go too overboard at all. I think I finished the day about 240 over, so not as bad as I thought it might be.

Stupidly, I feel a little guilty about yesterday's food. It's the first time in a while that I've intentionally eaten something as rich and full of butter as that home made stuffing. There's some left in the fridge. TMM is off work today, so I hope he eats it for lunch. I had some of the breast meat for breakfast. Having leftovers for brekkie is a habit I acquired when I was following a paleo lifestyle. High protein breakfasts were big on that and they kept me full all morning. And I have no objection to eating things that are traditionally thought as lunch or dinner foods.

I'd like to be good for the rest of the week, make up that deficit and get a bit in credit if possible as I'm going out for a meal with my sisters and some cousins on Friday night. I want to enjoy it without guilt, but not mess with my weigh in, only two days later. I predict lots of soup in this week's menu.

241.8lb

Wey hey!!! I am so happy right now, I can't stop smiling :-) A loss of four and a half pounds, bringing me to a grand total of nineteen pounds (well, 0.2lb off) in just four weeks. I've never lost weight at this rate before, even the first time round. That's three big losses and one reasonable one. Wow! I know I sometimes find it tough to stick to 1200 cals a day, but I need to remember this feeling. It's soooooo worth it!

I have to remember that it will slow down and not to be disheartened when it does. I have programmed the MFP app to work out my daily cals on a two pound a week loss, so by now I thought I hopefully have had eight pounds off. To have lost eleven more than that is a fabulous bonus, but that's what it is, a bonus. I can't start to feel entitled to continue to lose this much, then become dissatisfied when I don't. That way lies the ruin of all my good work.

Food might go a bit over today. I'm roasting a turkey, so there will be dark and white meat (I much prefer the dark) as well as the bacon that is over the bird to keep it moist, and loads of butter it the stuffing. I rarely cook rich food, full of butter, but as this is only the second time in my entire life that I've attempted to cook a full turkey, I'm not going to skimp on the stuffing ingredients. And the will be gravy and cranberry sauce. It's cooking away as I type. Three more hours to go. Hopefully I won't poison TMM or myself!

I've noticed that I haven't been eating anywhere near as much fruit as I usually would when I'm watching what I eat. I have had bananas, and the odd apple, but I'm conscious of the amount of natural sugar they contain. The MFP calorie counter doesn't distiguish between healthy and unhealthy cals, it just adds them up and spews out a daily total. So I have steered clear of things like fresh pineapple and grapes, which I love, because they are relatively calorie dense, for fruit. I finally bought some grapes today (they were on offer because they were coming up to their date. I couldn't resist them), but I stopped after I'd eaten 100g, instead of scarfing the whole 500g, which I could easily have done. I want to try not to go too over today, so I practiced restaint for once. Believe me, that's not my natural state of being. My factory setting is greed, every time.

I'll let y'all know how the turkey turns out. If I'm not dying of salmonella!

Oh my goodness. It turned out well. And the stuffing is to die for! But very rich. Even a greedy hallion like me might not be able to eat to much of it. Hope TMM hurries home from work, or I won't leave him his share! 

Trying to be careful. Weigh in tomorrow.

Today has been a bit tougher, food wise, than I would have liked. Despite my planning in advance yesterday, I accidentally ended up going over my calorie allowance. So yeah, the plan-fest? Not such a success as the day before. Totally my own fault of course. I adjusted the recipe for my chicken stew, added some spuds, which added calories and swapped the thighs out for breast, which subtracted some. Then I ate the stew with the old calculations still in place on my food tracker . The result was 150 cals over.

Obviously, since I'm weighing myself in the morning, I wanted to be careful not to go over today. Add to that, ideally, I wanted to make up for going over yesterday. So could I eat 150 less today? I started out badly by eating the rest of the stew as a late brunch. It meant I wasn't hungry again till about 7pm, but it was almost as cal heavy as if I'd gone out for a fry up! Okay for a main meal, but hardly a great start to the day. TMM and I went out for coffee in the afternoon since we didn't go out for breakfast and I had a toady-tiny bar of dark chocolate (135 cals worth) to avoid the deprived feeling I'd get if he had a bun and I didn't. That just left me enough for some carrot and coriander soup if I wanted to save 150 cals. It's after 9pm now, so I might make it to bed time without eating more. If not, at least I have a fresh pot of red pepper soup on the hob.

It's after 10.30pm and I've avoided having extra soup, so I saved the calories that I wanted to. I am going to bed a little hungry. I hope I get a good result at the scales in the morning to remind me that it's worth the effort.

A wee history lesson

In the last twenty years, my weight's been up and down more times than a tart's drawers. It started six months before my wedding, early 1996. I was sixteen stone eight pounds. I went to a Weight Watcher class and asked the leader if she thought I could lose six stone in six months. She wasn't keen on the idea. Thought it was setting the bar too high. But I stuck to the programme like shit to a blanket. This was a bit before their "points" system came in and it was quite strict. But by God, I lost my six stone. I was just over ten and a half stone on my wedding day. Over the following year,  I gradually lost a further stone. It was slow going. My body's way of telling me I didn't need to lose any more perhaps. It's the only time in the last twenty years that I've been within my officially correct BMI range. I haven't managed to hit it since, despite having lost significant amounts of weight on at least three other occasions.

It has to be admitted though, that while I loved being under ten stone, even though that was still considered the heavy end of my weight range, it was too light for me. I looked scrawny up top, especially around the collar bone. Think Cardasian neck ridges (a Star Trek reference) and you'll have an idea. It used to freak my wee brother right out. Despite looking a bit scraggly around the neck, WW at that time said the top end of my weight range was nine stone, so I never got to goal (at nine stone seven and a half pounds, on a five foot two frame.) They've since changed it, to be more in line with BMI so far as I know. So my goal now would be nine stone eleven at he top end of my range. At the time though, it was disheartening not to have hit goal and become a gold member. That was my ultimate goal, gold membership and not having to pay for weekly classes. You could go as often as you liked, but only once a month was mandatory to keep gold status. And you had to stay within four pounds either way of your goal weight.

I'm gutted I never achieved that and I think it's that failure that has coloured my view of my weight loss attempts ever since. I have never managed to hit an ultimate target, so have never managed to feel as if I've completed the task. I wonder sometimes if I ever will, or will I be stuck in a loss/gain cycle for the rest of my life, never feeling as if I've finished. Depressing much?

Any who! Clearly, that first weight loss didn't last. (Neither did the marriage!) I did the classic when I regained my weight. I actually became heavier than I'd been before the loss. I had a new job and a lot more stress, longer hours and far less time off. I had less time to exercise and I couldn't be bothered to cook and eat properly. I eventually went up to twenty stone seven pounds. I was about a size twenty-eight by then and thoroughly depressed about it.

The next time I went to Weight Watchers, the points system was well in place and I lost a few stones, but again lost interest. It wasn't until a few years later that I had my best attempt, when I joined on line, took part in the on line community and wrote a blog on the site, which is how I knew that writing a blog kept me honest. My starting point that time was nineteen stone nine pounds. I was at it for two years and lost over seven stone. To this day I don't know what went wrong that time. I was down to size fourteen jeans and looked "normal" by which I mean no one would have given me a second glance on the street due to my weight (unless my dress sense caught their eye.) Again, I could slap myself senseless for letting myself go again. And despite a few further attempts at weight loss classes (I tried Slimming World and never fully got to grips with it but that's probably more to do with my state of mind than their programme) I never really had much success. I went it alone last year, used the MFP app, as I am now, and trained for the Belfast Marathon.  I did okay, lost a bit of weight and got fit enough to complete the 26.2 miles on the day (that 0.2 miles is bloody important!) it took almost six and a half hours but I darn well did it. My next goal is to do better. Try for under five hours when I'm a better weight. Possibly next May. It's a bit late for this year especially given I haven't run since. That's another thing to be annoyed with myself about, letting that level of fitness go. Okay, I wasn't slim, even on the day of the race, but I was quite fit.

Anyway, there's no point beating myself up about my up and down weight loss history. Here I am now, doing my best to get it under control again. And who's to say I won't do it this time? Who's to say this won't be the last time I ever need to do it? This could genuinely be the time when I adjust my attitude to food and become a non-binger.

I live in eternal hope. 

Calm down, dear!

Friday. "How do I love thee. Let me count the ways." I always thought that was Shakespeare.  Elizabeth Barrett Browning actually. Who knew? Brownie points to all who did. The weekend's nearly here! Just two more days to weigh in!

I need to calm the heck down. I'm having a hard time every morning, stopping myself from jumping on the scales. Just to see how I'm getting on. Am I going to lose as much this week? That way lies madness. That's me at my most obsessive. Of course I want to lose six pounds again. Of course I want to lose six pounds every week. Who wouldn't? But even an optimistic fool such as I knows that that's neither possible nor healthy. The Biggest Loser this ain't! Darn. If only.

I'm doing today what I did yesterday, since it worked so beautifully. I will work out my calories for what I eat before I eat them. Revolutionary concept! Teehee. TMM is working late today, so he won't be partaking of dinner with me, therefore I can totally please myself, food choice wise.