Day ten already....

....and I can't believe that means I've had ten main meals with no meat or animal products at all. Ai far I'd say it's been a bit time consuming but not hard.

"Every time I run I try and remember to appreciate that I'm strong enough and well enough to run."

Jonathan Cairns, The Plant-Based Runner

A great inspirational quote that, and I still sat on my fat arse this evening instead of going to club. I cooked a lovely chickpea curry, care of another five minute Happy Pear recipe (with a wee adaptation or two,  coconut oil instead of olive, spinach added at the end and a bit of maple syrup to make it more like a korma)

https://thehappypear.ie/recipes/chickpea-curry/

I really enjoyed the fruits of my labour,  as did the OH, but I could still have gone to club too.

Sausages?

My heel was very sore last night after club, and again this morning when I got out of bed. It's been a problem for a few months now. Is it a bit of plantar fasciitis? I don't know. It certainly feels like it according to what I've read. It's plausable too, given it can come on through weight gain. Damn me for starting to chub up again! Yet another reason to keep going with the weight loss attempts. The sooner I'm lighter, the less pressure I'll be putting on my body as I run.

So far, all my food has been really tasty. I'd say some of it hasn't turned out as it really should have, but there have been no disasters, and nothing inedible. My cupboards are starting to come down with ingredients I'd never heard of before. Thank goodness for mail order. Everything is generally so accessible these days, available and arriving within a day or two. My biggest revelation (I've said it before) is nutritional yeast. I've already ordered more, and I've only been using it for eight days. But I just don't want to run out of it. I've verry tempted to add it to recipes just for the sake of it, it's so yummy.

Today I tried out a recipe by The Happy Pear. It was a five minute sausage recipe, and it appealed because a) it was quick and b) I had all the ingredients. It's not unusual for a recipe to have some very exotic sounding stuff in it. It's not as off putting as it would have once been, given how easy it is to get things on line, but it's no good if I want to try a recipe the same day. I will start to put things in my on line basket and wait till there are a few things to get before sending for them.

Anyway, Happy Pear five min sausages. Delish! Easy and simple ingredients. Yummy! Not at all sausagey mind you, but that might have just been me. I will most certainly be making them again. The OH loved them too. I've subscribed to their YouTube channel. A girl in running club has talked about them a lot. I can see why. So I'll be sussing them out some more.

Tasted better than it might look)

The other main part of dinner was my own take on baked beans. They were great! Red onion and red pepper sweated off in a neutral coconut oil, not extra virgin coz it tastes very strongly of coconut, which would be fab in a curry, but not necessarily baked beans, then garlic granules, oregano, smoked paprika, chilli flakes, salt and pepper added. Add haricot beans to that, then a tin of chopped tomatoes and tomato puree. Maple syrup to taste and let it all cook down till there's a thick sauce. Somethign else I'll be doing again.

I got out of bed late this morning, slept in, so I'd no time to lift anything to eat. I bought clemintines for lunch and some unsweetened cocnut milk to make "milky" coffee. Thus far, my day is in the green!

174lb

Wow! Despite eating like a hallion last week, over calorie allowance every day, I LOST a pound! Amazing. Could be a fluke or it could be because they were good quality calories. Who knows? It doesn't change the fact that I still ate too much and I won't get away with it for long. Medjool dates alone were an issue. Three full 500g boxes at the end of the week! Ridiculous and greedy, that's all that was. And it was just enabling my sweet tooth, which is something I need to get a handle on. That's going to change this week.

I ate soup, bread, roasted veg pate, a banana, an apple, 13g almonds and two portions of potato and broccoli bake today, approximately 1850 cals, with about 400 of running earned, since I went to running club. Not a bad day all in, and if I leave it there, I'll end up in the green for the first time in eight vegantastic days.

End of the first week

I've overeaten this week. Substantially. It's all been healthy and vegan, but too many calories is too many calories, regardless of the form they're in. I'm eating as if I'm still running six days a week. And I'm so not! I need to eat less, or, and here's a drastic idea, actually start running regularly again! 

I really want to start properly in the morning, and go to club tomorrow night. It's hard enough at the moment to get motivated, never mind the fact that it's so cold leaving the hose in the evening.

Anyway, regardless of how pants I am at running at the mo, I've had a great vegan first week. This is the end of day seven, and I've made my own bread twice, made a great chilli and burgers fron Scott Jurek's book "Eat and Run", soup, fritters, cheesy potato bake ( https://www.ilovevegan.com/cheesy-vegan-potato-broccoli-casserole/ ) and vegetable pate ( http://laurencariscooks.com/vegan-pate-everyone-will-love/ ) I've also discovered nutritional yeast, and amazing piece of dietary kit! I'm very pleased with myself. I wouldn't be surprised if I've gained weight this week, with the way I've eaten, but I'm not going to be too hard on myself for that. Next week I'll get the amounts more in line with what my calorific needs actually are.

Today I spent a lot of time in the kitchen,

 trying a couple of mayo recipes, using unsweetened almond milk, avocado oil and the brine from chick peas, aquafaba as it's known. Both attempts taste good enough,  but are more like a salad cream consistency than a mayo. Worth a try though. The recipes both say that soya milk would give a thicker result,  but I'm trying to steer clear of soy products. 

When Terry met Mary

Last night was a special night for my running club Ward Park Runners. We had an evening with Dame Mary Peters and Mike Bull. I can't lie, except for the OH knowing who he was, and telling me so, I'd never heard of Mike Bull, but I now know he's a thoroughly lovely bloke and was a training partner of Mary Peters, and a successful athlete in his own right, a pole vaulter. It's fuuny, OH says he'd pay good money to see me attempt the pole vault. That man's got no respect for me :-)

They spoke together about their days as training partners and what it was like to be an elite athlete. It was warm and funny, inspirational and such a wonderful thing for our club. It really came across as if they both enjoyed themselves and I hope they did. 

Dame Mary had a book for sale, to aid her foundation which helps young people in sport, so loads of us bought a copy and got it signed. I asked if it woud be bad form to ask for "Get your arse in gear " and she only went and wrote it!

I genuinely think it will help me to get back on the horse. Lovely evening!

Day Four

I'm forty-five pounds away from the weight I'd like to be. Sounds like an awful lot, doesn't it. But I remind myself that in comparison to 287lb, 175lb is pretty manageable. A size 14 rather than a 28. Big difference. I still look well within what's considered "normal" so to look at me, a random stranger would never know that I have this obsession with my weight. 

I've been way off my form, running wise, doing hardly any for months now, meaning my exercising is way down. I'm not expending the calories that I was. At least if I'm eating healthily,  I'm mitigating any weight gain a wee bit. As to eating unhealthy foods,  as a vegan, my choices are a lot more limited, no ice cream, or full tubs of Quality Street,  or three typea of cheese at one time any more, but there are still things I will need to go easy on. Medjool dates for one! They taste like caramel, and a whole box (500g) has more calories than a tub of Ben & Jerry's,  and I could eat it just as easily. Certain good quality dark chocolates too. 

I love that I'm eating leftovers for breakfast. I've always liked a savoury brekkie, and this morning's minestrone and bread was yummy. Convenient too, since I just whack it in the micro at work.  

I tried out sweetcorn fritters this evening and had them with some of the lentil burgers. A bit too much salt, but otherwise,  really good. Like the minestrone,  a few tweeks, and it'll be a really good recipe.

And on the third day....

....Terry made her own bread! 

Yes. I thank you. I am a domestic goddess. Soda bread type thingy. It was very nice. It smelled amazing, as fresh baked stuff does. I will keep it in the oven five minutes longer next time, as it was a touch stodgy in the middle, but otherwise,  A for effort, I'd say!

Minestrone soup for the main component of dinner, and I sort of made it up as I went along. Onion, garlic, chilli, tinned tomatoes, courgette, carrot, green beans, haricot beans, wholemeal pasta, oregano,  salt and pepper. Wholesome and hearty!

I wonder if I can really make this adjustment, go vegan. I have to say, thus far, it feels like I can.

I have loads of leftovers to eat, so I won't be making something new tomorrow. I had some of the chilli for breakfast. Sooooo good. Lunch was cucumber and cherry tomatoes and dinner was the minestrone and bread. 

So far, the OH has partaken of two of the three meals. And loved them! I don't want him to give up meat, but it's not a bad thing to go meat free a bit.

Day Two

Day two, and today's lesson is that Alpro Almond Milk's third ingredient on the list is sugar. I should have realized that anything that has a dedicated "unsweetened" variety is going to be very sweet in its original version. It's not unpleasant, but it's sweeter than I'd chose. I'll know in future. I'm not even sure why I bought it, as I don't normally even use milky milk. It's a good rule of thumb to get things that have as few ingredients as possible. Rule two would be to ensure that sugar is way down the ingredients list. I see a recipe in Scott Jurek's "Eat and Run" for hemp milk. I might try that. And it's not a big thing to make almond milk either from what I've read, so lots to try. Homework! I'll be looking at easy bread recipes too. My old paleo one has eggs and honey in it, so far from vegan.

A delivery arrived today with tricolour quinoa, vitamin B12 suppliments and nutritional yeast in it. I forgot to add bulgar wheat. Darn! I was surprised to find ASDA didn't have any, when I locked yesterday.  

I used the nutritional yeast this evening in my lentil burger recipe. It's a revelation! Cheesy and salty. Yummy! I made Scott Jurek's lentil and mushroom burgers. I can tell I'm going to be saying his name a lot. But damn, the man is good! 

That's two recipes in a row that were great. I had them with pitta pockets, and a spinach,  red pepper and tomato salad, with homemade vinaigrette. I feel like a proper domestic goddess 😁

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175lb

If there's a band wagon out there, I'll jump on it. Renowned for my mad phases in my family, I am. So it's no real surprise to anyone who knows me that when I get enthusiastic about something, I go a bit gung ho. That's great, while it lasts, but can lead to burn out. My general period of time for something long standing is about two years. Then it's usually on to the next thing. I can't seem to help it. I'm hoping this won't be the case here.

Recently I've become hyper aware of veganism. Not a new thing obviously, it's been around for thousands of years, but am I wrong in thinking it's "trending" at the mo? With the popularity of the film, "The Game Changers" I know of a few runners, in my club and others, who are either already taking up this new life style choice, or are seriously thinking about it. I'm conscious of abstinence from all flesh and by product foods now being referred to as being on a "plant based diet." Is that coz "vegan" sounds too militant? I wonder. "Plant based" definitely sounds a bit fluffier to me, less CND, flaky, political activist student, more middle aged, middle income, middle of the road office worker (i.e. me, I suppose - and exactly when did I become middle aged???)

 

So here I was this morning. My cheese and chocolate levels were at the max, not to mention my ice cream level. My final fling with dairy was done yesterday,  along with a sausage sandwich. Today was about starting to try going vegan. No. "Do or do not, there is no try." Thank you George Lucas. 

If I do this, will it fill me? My factory setting is to be a greedy ballix, will plants satisfy me? Will I get bored? Will I take enough care to eat healthily?

I suppose I'm going to become an expert at checking food labels now. Today it was rice cakes and vegetable stock cubes I was looking in to. I haven't been using stock cubes for a while, but when the OH cooks, he does, so he wanted to know which ones he could use. It looks like Knnor vegetable ones are dead on. I've very lucky with how supportive he is. 

I wish I could forget about food, if you know what I mean, lose my obsession with it. Forget about it as recreation and think of it purely as fuel. Then, I would only eat what I need. Then, I wouldn't be at least thirty pounds off what should be my heaviest weight. And my running wouldn't have suffered. Still, getting on the scales shows me where I stand. 

Breakfast: avocado, cucumber, cannelinni beans and rice cake

Lunch: apple, almonds, walnuts, cherry tomatoes 

Tea: chilli made with three types of tinned beans, brown basmati rice 

Black coffee, water

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162.2 lb

And there we have it, at least twenty pounds away from where I want to be, a little over eighteen heavier than when I started maintaining, just over two years ago. But it could be worse, and I did have a very calorie heavy weekend, one last hurrah of shitty food, before hitting the healthy zone today.

I'm happy with how I've started. I faced the scales, which is always tough when a heavy result is on the cards, and I got up early to do a DVD. Dug out Jillian Michaels, and a weights one. I'm determined to work on strength this time. Here we are, eight months exactly to London,  plenty of time to make a huge difference. No excuses.

One positive point about today's weight? This is the heaviest I will be from here on in, and it's a darn sight lower than every other starting point I've had. I'm also still fit. I ran a brutal, hilly ten miler on Saturday. I might not look as good in my running club vest and Tikiboos as I have in the past year or so, but it won't be long till I'm back where I want to be. I just need to be focused

Rathlin on Saturday. My vest is snugger than I'd like, but it's not uncomfortable. I'm a wee bit self conscious of it. It won't take long to get in to better shape.

Ards Half in June, and you can the pull of the vest across my belly. 

And so it begins.....

Well, here I go again. It's been a while.

I go through phases when I love to write and then I don't do it for months or years. A big event or decision is usually the catalyst, and this time is no exception. I have been successful in my application for a place in the London marathon and have decided to write about the lead up to it. I hope it will help with my training and motivation, as my running mojo hasn't been great recently.

I think there are a couple of reasons for that, both related to each other. I'm heavier than I was this time last year, having gained gradually since I made the decision two years ago to start maintaining rather than losing weight. I was 144lb then. I will weigh in on Monday morning, when it will be eight months to the day to the marathon. It's on Sunday 26th April. Eek! So I'll know exactly where I stand then. I'm hopeful that writing about it will keep me accountable. It worked before. I also want to eat properly, good, regular, possibly paleo (coz it makes me feel "clean" if you know what I mean) food and less red meat in general.

Being heavier has made me slower. I haven't been close to my PBs in a year. My parkrun best is 22:28. I'm lucky to get near twenty-five minutes these days. I got a 10k time last April of 45:46. I've never got near to touching that! My Belfast Marathon time last year was 3:46. This year 4:12! My best half was 1:51 last year. In fairness, at least I've stayed sub 2 for a couple of halfs this year, so all is not too shite :-)

This is all very whingey. In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm damn lucky that I can run at all. For someone who was 287lb at her heaviest, I am in bloody good nick. And I'm fifty, for fucks sake, so I should cut myself some slack. I had some arbitrary times that I thought would mean I was a "good" runner.

• sub 30 5k
• sub 60 10k
• sub 2hr half marathon
• sub 4hr marathon

I've smashed all of those. So I just need to think positive, be kind to myself (how touchy-feely is that!) and stop eating badly.

This successful marathon place should be motivation in itself. I qualified Good For Age, i.e. I ran well enough in a previous marathon to be considered for a place on merit, not just in a lottery draw. I'm well chuffed with that. Imagine being thought of as quite fast within your age group! That's me, that is.

I've never wanted to do London. I've always thought that it had an inflated sense of its own importance. Who wants to enter a draw for a race when the odds are so against you getting in? Nearly half a million people for almost 20,000 places! What is that, about one in twenty-five? Perhaps it was a touch of sour grapes, but I was just not interested. Even after Good For Age was explained to me, I resisted. Up to a year or so ago, GFA guaranteed entry, but it too has recently become a bit of a lottery draw. Who wants all that build up, just to be disappointed? But I don't know. Maybe a bit of FOMO set it. Watching telly coverage of London this year I got caught up in the excitement of the atmosphere and thought, "What have I got to lose?" Before you know it, I'm in the regular ballot. Then I'm noting in my diary the date that GFA entry goes live. Then I'm going through the on line GFA entry process, jumping through hoops to meet the criteria. Finally, then I'm waiting on tenter hooks for the date to find out if I was successful. I didn't spend all day yesterday checking my emails every twenty minutes. Okay, I did!

Anyway, the upshot is I'm in. I am the envy of many. I got a golden ticket. What am I going to do about it? I'm going to train my balls off, that's what. And I'm going to write about it. If all goes to plan, it will be marathon number seven, with Dublin in October being six. I know I can do the distance, I just need to work on an enjoyable experience. It's said to be a once in a lifetime gig. I might as well make the most of it and go for a PB!

Not the start to the week that I wanted.

Post run omelette breakfast. Came out like scrambled eggs. Delicious. 

Mon 13/03/17
It wasn't the worst day in the world, but you'd think, after such a brilliant weight yesterday, a fantastic Parkrun on Saturday and a great fifteen mile run yesterday (with no aches and pains afterwards!) that it would have been easy to have a flawless day. I'd want to consolidate my results, right? Uh uh. *shakes head in disbelief* I managed to go right over my cals by about 800. And I'm peeved with myself. I'm particularly annoyed because it was with sugar. Again. Darn and blast my sugar addiction. I suppose if I manage to stay below 2000 cals a day, I  should still maintain, even on a day that I don't run. I'd just rather train myself to eat my calories more wisely. Some walnuts or avocado would be good. Not processed, overly refined sugar. But hey ho. Tuesday was another day, so I intended to get up early, do six miles, earn 700 cals, and start afresh.

I mentioned having no aches and pains after Sunday's run. I can hardly believe it. Knee, Achilles, calf, hip? All dead on! And the run itself? The same run, done two years ago, took three and a quarter hours. Yesterday it took two hours forty-two minutes. That's not a result of me trying to be faster, just a natural consequence of being a lot lighter. It feels amazing to be fit :-) 

Tue 14/03/17
My weight was still good on Tuesday morning, despite the extra eating, so I was relieved, and I know I just need to lighten up a bit on myself. It'll come with time. The panic that I'm going to get uber fat again should die down, I'm sure, as I learn how much I can eat. I feel very much like a broken record, going on and on about learning how to eat, now I'm not trying to lose. Still, it's what's in my head, so it's what I waffle about.

I ran 10k on Tuesday and did it in under an hour! I was incredibly pleased with that.

Both my continued low weight and the run were great results. I was very happy and in fact, I was impossible to anger all day. (It makes me a much nicer person to work with.) But I find it hard to strike a balance. How to I work out if I'm being merely ebullient or if I've veered off into bombastic? It's like the constant repetition I find myself writing. It's what's in my head, so it's what I write about. Similarly, when I'm happy or excited with things, that's what comes out, but I'd hate it to sound boastful. That's not how I mean it. It's just that it's hard to reign in my excitement, or dial down my responses. I'm not used to looking like this. It's going to take a while to get used to it. 

I ate only real food on Tuesday, no processed sugar, had a run, and stayed within my allowance (including eating all of my exercise calories) so I felt good about the day in general.

Wed 15/03/17
A rep from one of my suppliers in work told me I was looking a bit cold yesterday, and asked if all of my fleeces were too big for me now. Over my nineteen years in the tyre trade, I've accumulated fleeces and body warmers from most major tyre manufacturers. And every one of them is at least a man's size XL, some XXL. My most recent Michelin one looks like a large mini dress on me. But I love it, coz it's so toasty warm. Still, it looks ridiculous. My rep chum said they were clearing out their warehouse and he'd see if he could find me anything in a medium or a small. He was as good as his word, and a medium body warmer arrived for me, with our tyre delivery today. Yay! It fits :-)

New Hankook body warmer!

Another great thing about yesterday was getting a message from someone on mfp, just out of the blue, someone I don't know, but who got in touch to say "Well done", and offer encouragement and help, if I need it. What a lovely thing. I must admit that I haven't been at all active in the community of mfp. I did all that when I was with WW on line, so you'd think I'd have thought of it. But then, it took me eight months to realize that I could post a blog, so it's hardly surprising that I'd forget the community too. So I have FB and mfp to talk to "virtual" fat fighters and healthy folks. As much as TMM and my family are amazing (and they really are. No question) only other over weight people really get what's going on in my head.

I had intended to run this morning, but went to bed very late, so decided that sleep was more important. I miss the extra calories though, so might still go out after work. TMM is working late, so I'll be looking after myself for dinner. I might have mackerel, or something else that he normally wouldn't be too keen on. I'm trying to make an effort to vary things, and get a decent amount of healthy fat in to my diet. And some dark, leafy greens.

On another plus note, I've have less DFM. Still not off it completely, but I've subbed in camomile tea once or twice. What can I say? I'm a work in progress :-)

137.8lb

Out for a walk on a sunny Sunday afternoon

This week marked a whole year on mfp! It's flown in, though it rarely felt like that at the time. And such a difference in that relatively short time frame. Just looking at my clothes, hanging on the washing line, shows how much things have changed. That's a definite reason to avoid gaining. I bought cheap jeans to embroider, and they are starting to look really good. I'm taking ages over them, adding bits and pieces to the pattern, at the pockets, down the side seams and along the bottom of each leg. I'd hate to waste all that work! So I can't get any bigger.

I made my decision to start maintaining on the 17th of Feb. That was three weeks ago. And it's been three weeks of wild fluctuations where my weight is concerned. I did get a bit disturbed by an upward move of about six pounds, not knowing if that much of a difference was normal or should be considered a gain. So last week (it's a whole week since I've blogged) I decided to be really careful with my calories. The week didn't pan out that way. I went over on quite a few days, and I ate far too much processed sugar. I ran and walked a lot, as I was on a week off work, so at least I earned a lot of calories. But I ate every single one of them, and more besides. I just can't have jelly meerkats in the house for any length of time. They are a great sourse of carbs for my long runs, but to have a large amount of them on hand isn't wise. So I'm going to try buying them on a Saturday, a single day before my weekly longer run. Who knows, maybe using them as fuel on runs of longer than thirteen miles will act as a sort of aversion therapy. I'll start to associate them with hours of exercise. Seems unlikely, I do love them so. But you never know. I live in hope.  

I stepped on the scales after a fifteen mile run this morning, thinking that I'd weigh heavy. I'd eaten 200g of the jellies, which was 700 cals, and drank my sport drink (low sugar, but caffinated) to stay hydrated. I didn't feel heavy or bloated, but I was sure that after the calorie heavy week I'd had, I'd definitely not have lost weight, and I'd have to be careful this week, looking for my daily balance between eating enough to fuel my exercise and not over eating, and going lighter on the processed sugars. I have to admit that I stepped on and off the scales about a dozen times when I saw the results. I had to be sure. I'm not sure that I believe it even now. 137.8 lb. Under 140 lb. In the nines! My weight this morning was nine stone twelve. I haven't had a weight in the nines since 1998. I was in shock. In a good way of course. I got in to the shower (the best part of any run, a good, long, hot shower) and I started to cry. I stood under the water and just felt overwhelmed for a few minutes. To say my weight was nine stone something just sort of took my breath away a bit. Even if it's a false low, amonsgt my daily fluctuations, it means it's in my body's weight range now.

This weekend my head may just explode. I did a Parkrun yesterday and smashed my PB by three minutes and four secounds.

I'd hoped to get under twenty-eight minutes, and instead got twenty-five minutes forty-one seconds, and then today my weight was nine stone twelve. I can't get my head around both of those things.

I'm really going to try to eat only whole, nutritious foods this week. As I mentioned, I've eaten far too much processed sugar recently. So, I'm just going to take each day as it comes, not think too far ahead, not the rest of the week or even tomorrow. Just for today I will eat whole and healthy. And where possible I'll try to exercise a little something that I'm not exactly known for, restraint. I was pleased with my efforts so far today. After my run, I had coffee with coconut oil and cinnamon, 25g of walnuts and some raw carrot. Good quality, healthy fats, protein and fibre. Then lunch was an omelette with veg and low fat sausages. Low fat sausages full of goodness knows what, but I'm using up the last of them from the freezer, then they'll be gone and further sausagery shall be proper, good quality butcher's ones, every now and again.

My lunch consisted of three eggs and three of the sausages (they're small) as well as scallions, onion, green pepper and mushrooms. Because I'm a greedy hallion by default, I could easily have used four eggs (I've done six in the past) and all six sausages. I really had to debate with myself to only use half, but I was pleased with myself when I left three to one side, cooked and ready to be used in a similar meal another day. It felt like a win to me. If I could always act so sensibly, these small changes would all add up and make maintaining a lot easier. Mind you, if I could always act so sensibly, I'd never have become the weight I was!

Despite the over indulgence in sugar, even yesterday, my meals themselves were wholesome and filling. A massive omlette after Parkrun, and a big tuna, chickpea and sweetcorn salad for tea.

I'll be trying to blog more this week. It keeps me more accountable. It's harder to go so over my daily allowance when I have to admit to it, even vaguely anonymously, over t'interweb.

147.8lb

My weight this morning was a bit up again. I talked about fluctuations yesterday, but my Sunday weight is sort of the one that I count, so this feels like a gain, not a daily blip. It's no major cause for alarm, but I do need to look back over my week and make an adjustment obviously. Maybe I'm eating too many of my running calories. One way or the other, I'm keeping an eye on things because I'm not going to start gaining again. I've been so close to goal too many times to screw it up, now I'm actually here and happy.

This week, TMM and I are off work. We have a couple of theatre trips planned and a pizza night with friends. We are also going to ask his mum and mine out for lunch. I'm going to be extra vigilant about my calories on all these occasions. Every wee mouthful will be counted. And I'm definitely going to run on the days I'm eating out, starting with tomorrow, which is my pizza day. That's going to be high calorie and I was going to go on a long run to counteract it. But I ran a lot yesterday, and my hip is sore today, so I'm resting today and will probably go a bit easier than I really want to in the morning. I'd rather do that than injure myself. I got TMM to help me tape my hip. And I did the usual to my knee and Achilles. I'm a work of art! Today, while I didn't run, TMM and I did go for a walk, so I earned a few cals. And there was eye candy aplenty. 

I won't deny I'm scared.  Scared of getting complacent and getting big again and also scared of becoming anal and obsessive about not gaining. I know it's about finding a balance and its early days so I can't expect to be there yet. I just have to stay focused for a bit, while retaining some perspective. Easy peasy. How hard could it be??? Teehee :-D

Daily fluctuations

I'm getting used to the whole maintenance thing. I'm still trying to get used to the idea that that's really me in the mirror, but it's fun. I am weighing myself every morning, which is probably not a great idea, it's a bit obsessive. But I'm sure I'll lighten up as I settle into my new routine. My weight is going between 142 and 146 pounds. Daily fluctuations are normal, so it's not a problem. I'll just keep an eye on the range. Food has been good this week, as has exercise. I've been in the green with my daily allowance, and running has been fun.

I ran sixty kilometers this week, twenty-two and half (fourteen miles) of which was this morning. I've come to realize that it takes me about three miles to warm up, and for the kinks to be worked out of my achilles, calf and hip. Then it's great for about nine miles, before it all starts to ache again. My endureance is definately improving though. And my times are so much better than last time. Today's run took two and a half hours. Last time I did that distance it took about three hours fifteen minutes. That's just down to weight loss.

Today's run. Very happy with the pace, even though I was very tired and a bit achey by the end.

My time for a similar distance two years ago, weighing 209lb, according to mfp records. So I was nearly five stone heavier thatn I am now. Big difference!

I'm loving it. I'm not saying that the idea of running fifteen miles next week fills me with joy. I sort of dread these long runs, while anything under ten miles, I do genuinely look forward to. But I know that I can survive the longer ones, and I feel better for having done them. I can't believe I'm a person who genuinely looks at their GPS and thinks, "It takes me three miles to warm up," or "Only seven kilometers to go!"

I drank better today, sipped a little more consistantly, so took on more fluid. I also used the jelly meerkat sweets as my fuel. I worked out that I'd need about 170g to provide about 120g of carbs. I ended up only eating 100g, but I'm still getting used to fueling on the hoof, so I can work on getting enough in me over the next eight weeks. I can't believe that that's my training schedule half done. Just fifty-seven days to go! Eek!

My shoes took a bit of a batttering today. As I ran off the road to the coastal path, I ended up running through some quite wet and muddy ground. It made me realize that I might actually quite enjoy trail running. My poor wee toesie shoes need a wash though. Mind you, then I ran through some puddles, and it seemed to rinse the worst of the mud off. The Vibrams are brilliant when they get wet. The water drains out of them, so while they stay wet, there's no accumulated puddle in each shoe.

Thank goodness they are machine washable!

We went out for brunch afterwards. TMM had a lie in while I ran. It was extra nice as we are both now off for a week. We are basking in the "NO Work For A Week" zone!

Parkinson's Law?

The time I find hardest to eat sensibly, or better yet, to not eat at all, even more than when I'm at work, is just before dinner, after work, when I'm cooking. I'm hungry and sometimes don't want to be bothered to cook something tasty and nutritious. It doesn't matter how well I've eaten at work, even if I've had a big, filling and nutritious lunch, by the time I get off the train and in the door, it's like I'm conditioned to feel hungry. And what happens? I sometimes just shovel any old rubbish that I find in the fridge into my bake and add up the calories (and the consequences) later. There doesn't tend to be too much in the house these days that isn't real food, with the exception of TMM's pot noodles, so I usually end up with some calorie laden hunk of cheese. If I could just make a rule and stick to it, no eating before dinner, I'd be fine. But easier said, when I feel I could eat the left leg o' a scabby wain.

During the times when it's hard to stay on track, if I could just remind myself why I'm doing this, how much I don't want to get fat again, how good it feels, being fit enough to run at my best and wear my lovely running gear. I'm nearly 50 and I've never felt this good before. Why would I risk it??? And here's a question. Is there a Parkinson's Law for fat people? I have definitely found that my calories consumed expand to fill my daily allowance. I mean, I managed fine on 1200 most days (I say that. I know there were also days that it was a struggle, especially the last couple of months), and now I'm sometimes finding sticking to 1550 a challenge. Go figure!

Yesterday was the day. I went to the salon and got my hair done.

Even better, yesterday was the salon trip that TMM paid for, as a treat of hitting my goal, and for being sensible enough to stop, even though I didn't hit 136 lb. (An aside: he's so funny. He told me recently that he started going out with Ram Man and he's ended up with Skeletor!)

Gotta love a bit of retro cartoon action!

But back to my hair! After taking the professional's advise, I didn't go the light pink I was originally thinking about. My colour wouldn't do it right. But I love what I got and I can work towards going lighter. It's not too bad for maintenance. I could go back every eight weeks or so. So happy with it. It was a proper treat.

Yesterday. All sleak and straightened, fresh from the salon.

Today. Not so sleak, but a better idea of the colour. Sort of a plum/maroony dark pink?

Yesterday was fabulous. It felt so decadent to be off in the middle of the week. I was very early for my appointment, so I sat in a cafe before hand, and watched the world go by with a double espresso and a small amount of dark chocolate. I felt so relaxed as I watched everyone else scurry to work. Then there was the hair. So double fabulous. But then? Triple fabulous! I tried on, and subsequent;y fitted in to a pair of size ten jeans! I still believe sizing is a marketing ploy. But I'm not immune to it, to my shame.

I fancied buying a cheap pair of jeans to embroider. It's a while since I've customized an item of clothing, so I'm looking forward to getting started. I got a pair for £15 in Dunnes and went to try them on. I fitted in to the 12s nicely. Too nicely actually. An hour's wear and they'd be stretched out a bit. Since I'm going to spend hours embroidering them, I want them to be a nice fit, so I tried the 10s, on the off chance. They fastened! They were neat on me, but again, with an hour's wear, they'll relax in that way that denim does. So I bought them and they are soon to be covered with sunflowers and daisies, my favourite flowers. Maybe even a butterfly or two. I can't wait to get stuck in!

We had a Chinese takeaway last night. It was ages since I'd had one and I really enjoyed it. No, I'm still not fully paleo, clearly :-) My weight this morning, which I checked, just as a matter of interest because of the takeawy, was not too bad. It was a little up, probably due to water retention, given how salty the food was. I ended up 300 cals over which I more than made up on today's run. Happy days! I do have more takeaway planned for Monday night, when we meet up with my cuz BB and her hubby CB. But I'm on a week's holiday next week, so I'll have loads of time to go for a big run to earn the pizza and garlic bread that I fully intend to enjoy immensely and without guilt.

"A kilo of meerkats arrived for me today,"...

...I said last night, and that's when TMM just nearly wet himself laughing, calling me a "tiny moron," but his tiny moron, so that was okay. :-) No, they are not at all paleo, but I ordered them to try, as a fuel for my long runs, before I decided to go mostly paleo and I refuse to waste them. I love jelly meerkats! They are even nicer than jelly babies. But I darn well better earn them, as they're pure sugar and about 350 cals per 100g. It's not good for my will power, to have a bulk amount arrive. I brought them home from work without opening them and divided them in to 100g bags. Then I hid them in my "running" cupboard, where I keep my hydration tablets and sports nutrition stuff. TMM laughs at me because when we moved in to our house, I had a wool cupboard. Now I have a candle cupboard and a travel mug/flask cupboard. And none of this includes "Terry Corner" which consists of an organized mess of techie stuff and other running accoutrements, as well as my guitar things. It's not really a mess. I know where everything is in it :-)

TMM and I had a bit of a walk on Sunday to get a little exercise in.

I haven't run quite as much as I'd have like this last few days. I fell on Thursday and hurt my left calf and my right hip. Damn, I'm gonna be held together with K T tape if I'm not careful. I didn't do my planed fourteen mile run on Saturday, so I feel a bit behind in my training. It's nothing I can't make up, and the rest was necessary. I did 6.7 km yesterday and nearly 12 km this morning, so I'm back at it, but I'm keeping an eye on my hip especially (the calf is better) I think I'll have a rest day tomorrow.

I'm consciously eating different things to try to vary my nutrition. So I made popcorn yesterday with coconut oil and seasoned it with sea salt, fresh black pepper and dried garlic, which I crushed in a mortar and pestle.

It was only afterwards that I remembered that corn isn't at all paleo. But hey ho! It's not the worst thing I could eat, and the whole paleo thing will come back to me as I do it. In total though, I was happy with how I ate yesterday, a big omelette with peppers and scallions for breakfast, raw veg for lunch, avoided the meerkats altogether and homemade beef stew for tea. Some home popped popcorn and a bit of extra dark, organic chocolate as a treat later on. In total it came to about 1800 cals and I'd earned 400, so I was still 100 in the green. I'm going to be feeling my way with how many of my exercise calories to use, but it's all a learning process.

Today I had 25g each of almonds and walnuts, as well as my cinnamon and coconut oil coffee on the train on the way to work. I had meant to have eggs again, but time got away from me. It's Parkinson's Law. The task expands to fill the time allotted. Even though I was up a wee bit earlier, I didn't end up with any extra time to eat. If fact, I faffed about so much, I was a bit later than usual. Still, it was nice to have nuts for a change. And I bought baby sweetcorn and tender stem broccoli to have with an apple and plums for lunch. Mixing it up a bit and getting different nutrients. It's all good. And, big news. I haven't bought DFM for a couple of days!!!

My big idea to meditate while running was a partial success yesterday and this morning.

And that's what I expected so I'm really chuffed. I managed a minute or two at a time of clearing my mind before general mental flotsam and jetsam materialized. It made me smile this morning as I considered, here I am, forty-eight years old, running eight miles before breakfast, eating healthy and meditating. Then it struck me, if I'm thinking these thoughts, then I'm not meditating! Darn and blast, and back to the drawing board. Teehee. I just need practice :-) Even with the stop/start nature of my first foray, it made me mindful of my breathing and my footsteps and introduced a nice flow to things, which I enjoyed very much.

A change of attitude

This week, I've upped my calories and still lost two pounds. I'm not complaining. It gives me a comfortable zone within which to work. It also bares out what some of my FB chums were saying about me not eating enough. I've started eating more and obviously fired up my metabolism. Excellent Smithers, as Monty Burns would say. 

I finally have the body I've always wanted. It's a healthy weight, strong and fit. By no means is it perfect. I would need to go under the knife to get rid of my loose skin, the result for getting morbidly obese and losing over one hundred pounds three times now (and the rest in between) and my age, but it's in the best shape it can be in without surgical aid. And you know what, I actually like it. I can forgive the flaps and folds, even when I'm hearing my bingo wings slap about under my top as I run. (That happened a couple of mornings ago, and it took me a wee while to work out what the noise was. Teehee.)

Yes, this is me now. This is my healthy, strong, fit body. So, what am I going to do with it? I'm darn well going to look after it, that's what. I'm going to be good to it and kind to it. I've been letting sugar get a bit of a hold on me lately. Ironic, when I'm finally at goal, that I would risk it all just for a sweet fix. I think I might need to go cold turkey on the processed sugars, and by that I mean give up my fat free yoghurts and my sugar free sweets, as well as my DFM. They all train my palate to want sweet stuff and I'd really like to get away from that.

To that end, I'm definitely thinking of eating "clean" and going down the paleo route. I will absolutely still be tracking on mfp though. I need the structure and discipline of keeping a food diary. I'm considering yoga and meditation. I could only benefit from a more holistic approach and I love the idea of using my morning run as a meditation. It's a matter of being able to tune out my thoughts, but stay aware enough of my surroundings to stay safe. I've done it before for brief spells, using my breathing or footsteps as a focus. I'm going to give it a go again in the morning.

I'd really like to eat more slowly than I currently do, and to stop thinking of food as a treat, but as the stuff that fuels my body. It doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it, but it's primary purpose is to keep me functioning. I don't want to suck the joy out of food. It's one of the loveliest. social activities you can partake of, to eat with others. And I enjoy eating alone too. But I'd like to learn moderation. Eat the things that are good for me, in healthy amounts. It goes against my gung-ho nature to practice any sort of restraint in things I enjoy, but I'll give it a go.

Today has been a good day for food. Bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and low fat sausages for breakfast. The low fat sausages aren't a good paleo option but they were in the freezer and I don't want to waste food. We went to Caffè Nero where I had dark chocolate covered coffee beans and salted popcorn. Both aren't too bad for being overly processed. The two cups of coffee that I had there were the only ones I had today. I had frying steak with onions and carrots for dinner and 300g of grapes for afters. TMM and I went for a walk so I earned a few extra cals. My total intake was just under 1600 cals. I am in the green.

Adjustment period

I've had a few days on my new calorie allowance and it's hard to get used to. I'm not complaining.  Believe me, this is the phase I've wanted to be at for over twenty years, so I'm not going to say I'm hard done by. It's just that I've been on 1200 cals for a year and it's not easy to give myself permission to eat the 1550 that mfp now has me on, and believe I'm not going to gain. It's only been a week. It'll just take some getting used to.  I would like to use the extra cals wisely, i.e. not all on treats, at least some of it on real food :-)

After a couple of weeks of gaining a half here and losing a half there, I'm back down to my low of 143.8lb. Having just finished my moons, this weekend should be my first real indicator of how my body is starting to settle in to this new era. I'm actually looking forward to weighing myself on Sunday (so long as I stay on track)

For the longest part of this year, I told myself that I was buying myself a green Gretsch guitar as a reward for getting to goal. But I have three guitars already. I really don't need another one, regardless of how pretty it is. Then I thought I'd get myself a Samsung smart watch, but would I use it enough to make it worth the price tag. Treat/reward or not, I'd still like to get good use out of it. Also, I tried one on in a shop. It was genuiniely enormous! I had a fairly delicate write before I lost weight, not its' positively skinny. The watch just looked wrong. So I've decided instead on an expensive hair appointment.I never go to the hair dressers. Actually, I've been twice, in my entire forty-eight years, so it will be a real pampering session. I think a change of colour is called for. Something extreme! I'll keep y'all posted :-)

Moving forward

I'm currently surfin' the crimson tide, and it's not due to end till Monday, so I doubt that I'll get a true sense of what I weigh this weekend.  I'll weigh myself on Sunday as normal though. I need to keep monitoring the situation, to stay on track. I ran for nearly an hour this morning, so that was nearly 600 cals added to my daily total.

Not my fastest, but if I sustained that pace throughout the marathon, I'd finish in about 4 hrs 50 mins. I'd be pleased with that!

That photo is a bit of a contrast to various others that I have. I don' thin I'll ever tire of comparing then and now (there are a lot of thens!)

I felt good when this was taken. I was dressed up and out for dinner with family. It was a great night. My face is entirely different though, to the one above.

This is going to sound so obvious, but it's actually just struck me. I'm here. The place I wanted to be, my destination, the reason for all my attempts over the last twenty plus years, is here and now. Now is my time to enjoy the feeling of success. I know I posted a couple of days ago that I was finished losing, but it's sort of only just hit me. I've finished. Wow! When I walk down the street these days, if some one looks at me twice, it's not because they see a sweaty, self conscious, uncomfortable, overweight person. It may well be because they don't think much of my sartorial choices that day (not every one is going to like a grey bowler :-D ) but it won't be because they think I'm fat. Again, wow! 

The first day of the rest of my life

View from the train window this morning

A favourite phrase of mine to use when asking if someone is in their right mind is, "What colour is the sky in your world?" Today, everything, not just the sky, in my world is rosy :-)

Having posted yesterday that I was going to start a maintenance plan, I got so much support from my FB chums that I was grinning all day. It's one of the brilliant things about talking to people with the shared experience of how tough trying to lose weight is. When one of us is doing well, the rest of us are happy for them. And the advice and help when things aren't going so well is just as good. Unfortunately, I'm not so great at telling everyone when I need that help. I usually huff in a corner by myself, then get my head out of my ass after a while and come back to 'fess up.

MyFitnessPal diary

It's pretty weird to look at my diary on MFP and see a daily calorie allowance of 1550. After 1200 a day for the last eleven months, it feels like a lot. Not that I'll have any problem using them :-) My issue will be using them sensibly, and distributing them fairly evenly throughout the day, rather than gorging on them at night. I also have to work out what to do about the calories earned through exercise. It seems extreme to try to eat them all. I don't know if I should use them in order to stop losing. I'll just have to find my way. I have over twenty years of conditioning to reprogram. Up till now, I've tried to avoid using them, in order to aid losses. Maybe I'll use them if I really need them? Save them for when I have a meal out to have a nice dessert? The world is indeed my lobster!

This is today's activity in my diary

• Breakfast: three egg omelette, with chicken, scallions and mushrooms.         Coffee with coconut oil and cinnamon. 450 cals
• Lunch: Homemade broccoli soup. Chopped raw veg (Pink Lady apple, carrot, celery, cherry tomatoes) 230 cals
• Dinner: TMM's homemade bolonese with carrot strips instead of pasta, with 10g of vintage cheddar. 780 cals
• Snacks: Black coffee x 5, Pepsi Max x 2lt, sugar free extra strong polos. 85 cals

                         Total for food today = 1545 cal

• Exercise: 5.4km run, 36 mins, 360 cals earned 

I'm pretty much bang on target for food, and it was well distributed throughout the day. I have used no exercise calories (thus far!) It feels like it's been a good day. One thing I'd like to do is try to get away from eating so many sugar free sweets. It would be great to make DFM* release its grip on me too. Beyond that, eating "clean" would be the ideal, to get away from dairy, wheat and processed sugars altogether. But one thing at a time. Let's not go mad here Terry! Try getting used to your new routine for a few weeks first, you dopey tart!

I have to say, the idea that I'm not trying to see a loss at the scales this week definitely feels like it has eased the pressure. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I have 300 extra calories in the daily bank, but it's mainly the lack of needing a loss.

That's it. Day one of maintenance is under my belt and I've genuinley been smiling all day.


* DFM = Dark Fizzy Master = diet cola

Stick a fork in me. I'm done!

This feels monumental. I've never been here before, I've never said this before.
                                I'm finished losing weight.
This photo is the main reason.

I got very excited this morning when I had what I consider to be a massive NSV* After my shower, I found that a bath towel, not a bath sheet but a standard towel, wrapped around me completely. There was a time when even a bath sheet would not have come close to covering me. So there I was, wrapped in a towel that's one size up from a hand towel! I could have cried. So I took a photo. I took a couple actually. I looked at it properly later. I look thin in it. Not just slim, actually verging on skinny.

Now, a lot could be down to the angle (though I still look thin in the other pics, which are all a little different) and the bathroom had this whole steamy, soft focus thing going on. But even taking that in to account, I can quite clearly see bones. My collar bone and the top of my rib cage, above my poor saggy boobies, are visible. So numbers on the scales be damned. I'm done. I will formulate a plan for maintenance and continued fitness, but as to losing more weight? If it happens naturally, if my body wants to go down another pound or two, as I learn to adjust my caloric allowance and as I research my needs for my basal metabolic rate, then it can happen without me yearning for it.

I know this means that I will stay a little above my B M I range, but if I was to cut away the excess skin and flappy bits (not the good flappy bits, you understand. Fnarr, fnarr!) that would near enough account for that extra poundage.

The other reason for deciding to get started on stopping losing (that's a clunky sentence, but I really like it) was a telly programme that I watched last night, "Super Slimmers: Did They Really Keep The Weight Off?" It was about people who'd lost vast amounts of weight, sometime very quickly, and it asked what their chances were of keeping it off. In short, not good! As a whole, the programme was depressing as fuck. Apparently, we all stand a very small chance of maintaining our losses. And if that's the case, it's tempting to say, "Well, why bother?" But as one doctor/researcher pointed out, we all start these diets deciding or hoping that we'll be the one to buck the trend. I certainly did. And the fact that this is at least my fourth big weight loss attempt (with out even considering the myriad smaller ones) is testament to the fact that I am the very personification of the rule, rather than an exception to it. So far. 

And that's the point. I refuse to believe that I'm stuck at twenty stone for the rest of my life, or yoyoing between ten and twenty stone. From today, I will be the exception. I have to believe that, otherwise I might as well just have knee replacement surgery and go on diabetes meds right now.

This very positive thinking is a bit at odds with my recent behaviour. I've had a funny couple of weeks. By which I mean funny, peculiar, as opposed to funny, haha. My blogging has been non-existent and of late, even my participation in my Facebook group has been limited to skulking in the background, silently stalking. Reading posts, but rarely commenting. My behaviour in my running group has been a little more interactive. I've continued to post about some of my runs, with photos. I'm particularly proud of Sunday just past, when I ran thirteen miles, a half marathon distance, amidst strong winds, a hail shower and some stunning scenery.

I ran the coast, between my house and my in-laws. You should have seen my MIL's face when she answered the door to my puce, sweaty wee dish :-)

                                      

As far as food is concerned, I've been up and down. The week before last, I wasn't particularly healthy or unhealthy, but I ended up with a small gain. I was gutted. Getting to withing half a stone of my chosen goal weight, but then gaining, was frustrating. Then last week I probably had my worst week yet, and I ended up fearing that I was going to lose all control and start a downward spiral that I'm all too familiar with, I went over my allowance every single day last week, and though I also exercised a lot, it never made up the deficit.I was really annoyed at myself.

I didn't make things any better by the weekend. In fact, in a perfect act of self sabotage, I went on a binge on Friday and Saturday, ate about 6000 calories each day and did it with full premeditation. I knew I would feel like shit come Sunday and did it anyway. This was different to the two planned days at Christmas. Everything I ate this time was unplanned and nutritionally void. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself at the huge quantities I consumed. I don't mind that I'm human, and slipped off my plan for a while, but my greed and inability to moderate myself shames me,

I feel that I need to list everything, so it's clear that I'm not exaggerating. I also think it will go some way to expunging my feeling of guilt, The one positive is that, for the first time ever, I kept a note of everything I ate on MFP. So I know exactly how heinous my crime against my body was. I cringe to write it all down, but here goes, in chronological order...
Friday:
            My usual coffee, cocnut oil and cinnamon    55 cals
            Corned beef slices 200g                                    450 cals
            Caramel Squares x 4                                         940 cals
            Pain Au Chocolat x 6                                       1135 cals
            Jelly Babies 180g                                               600 cals
            Large Sausage Roll x 2                                     820 cals
            Cadbury Dairy Milk Caramel 120g             570 cals
            Milk chocolate raisins 100g                        475 cals
            Jelly beans 100g                                               350 cals
            Mum's chicken, potato and veg dinner      730 cals
                                                                            ------------
                                                                             6125 cals
           
Saturday:
           Scrambled eggs x 3                                           200 cals
           Smoked Salmon 100g                                          170 cals
           Ben & Jerry's 500 ml                                          1095 cals
           Haagen Dazs 500 ml                                           1130 cals
           Burger on brioche with bacon and cheese      550 cals
           Chunky chips x small bowl                                 250 cals
           Ferrero Rocher x 16                                            1170 cals
           Co op triple choc cookies x 4                             980 cals
           Pringles 180g                                                        960 cals
                                                                              -----------
                                                                             6505 cals

With no exercise on either day, I think I can safely say that when I decide to fuck something up, I do it big style. And it's no surprise that I was not at my peak when I did my thirteen mile run the next day. Still, I got up on Sunday, slapped a smile on my face and a padlock on my gob, and ran for two hours twenty minutes, earning 1450 cals. I ate within allowance (allowing extra, on-the-hoof fuel for the run) and was generally feeling more optimistic, though still scared about my lack of control.

I weighed myself on Monday morning and was devastated to see it said 153lbs. Well back into the 150s. But at least it was still just in the ten stone bracket. Given what I consumed, it could have been worse. That didn't make me feel better though, as I got ready to go to work. I was letting myself get depressed about it when I found a little perspective. My clothes still fit me, a new UnderArmour jacket arrived and fitted perfectly. I didn't look any different. Then there was the fact that Helbells told me that a heavier than usual exercise session makes the muscles retain water to facilitate recovery. So who's to say that 153lb was my true weight? And lo it came to pass. For the last two mornings, I've been back down to 145lb, just one pound higher than my lowest weight. I'm happy with that.

And so I come to my decision, my bold, and if I may say so myself, pure genius, move to go on to maintenance. I've never looked, or more importantly, felt better in my own skin (despite how loose a lot of it is!) I'm healthy and fit. I ran a half marathon distance a couple of days ago FFS! Many people thinner and younger than me couldn't do that! I find myself genuinely feeling that I'm at my goal. I have to be careful that I won't end up dissatisfied because I didn't end up at the original number I set, 136lb, that I'm not settling for a "consolation prize" goal weight. But this isn't set in stone. I can change goal after a while if I feel like it. But for now, I'm here. I've arrived. Goal.

In celebration, my blog title has changed, as I planned once the loosing portion of this experience (I refuse to use the word journey) was over. I like the new title. I like it a lot :-)

I feel as if I can finally move on to the next stage of this weight loss thing. This is the hard part

Here's to keeping it off


* N S V = Non scales victory i.e. anything that makes you feel you've made progress with your weight loss, that's not the numbers on the scales. For me, a biggie was getting my socks on without having to sit down to do it, and lift my foot on to the opposite knee, by hand. Or running up and down the stairs without getting a red, sweaty face. Or sitting in train seats in comfort (there's a possibility I've mentioned that one before :-D ) Or the favourite, looking and feeling good in clothes, and even going down sizes. All great NSVs. I'm sure everyone has their own special one, maybe that no one else would even think of.

Reigning myself in

I'm feeling a bit out of control again. It seems like only a week or two ago that I felt like this. I wonder when it was. I really must check it out and see if it's related to my cycle. At the moment though, despite talking about staying away from milk chocolate, and eating more nutritious food, especially with the extra running that I'm doing, I have been going over my daily allowance. I don't mind that per ce, but I do mind that what I'm letting myself eat is nutritionally void.

I'm earning roughly 500 extra calories a day, and pretty much using them all. Good. No problem. That's still only 1700 cals, and that fuels not just a day's work, but a work out too. I just don't like letting my chocolate habit get out of control, especially when I feel as if, once I start, I might not be able to stop. I was so close to calling in to the shop when I got off the train this morning to buy a big bar of Galaxy Salted Caramel. 135g and 640 calories that could get me a whole dinner!

My current nemesis!

And there's no point in pretending that I could eat only a few squares and save the rest. It just wouldn't happen. It didn't happen yesterday when I bought it. Todays' win (so far) is that I didn't buy it. If I don't have it, I can't eat it. Simple as!

I'm pissed off at myself because I keep eating too much and counting it in the following day's food. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do that! I've only a few pounds left to lose, and if I slip up now, I'll make things so much harder. I've never been this close to goal. If I can just focus, and get there, then I can consider how to up my calories on a more permanent basis, and allow extra treats. I wish I could just give up sugar. I think I will seriously consider the paleo route again, once I'm at goal. It means no processed sugar at all, no dairy and no grain, if I follow it strictly. No DFM* either, which would be good, since I crashed and burned on the New Year's resolution there, after just a fortnight.

I really haven't got the hang of this moderation thing yet. Everything is done gung-ho, to extremes, be that my attitude or my eating habits. I know I'm only human. I can't be perfect all the time. I've been so focused for nearly a year now, so I'm sort of due a lapse in concentration. No one can sustain excellence the whole time. But damn! It's hard to cut myself some slack.


* Dark Fizzy Master = diet cola