Out of sync

No weight as a title today. I was at Mum's overnight and as her scales hate me with a passion, there's no way I was standing on them, as I wouldn't have believed what they said anyway. So ,no point in depressing myself. I'll wait till tomorrow morning.

I was at an engagement party last night. I didn't realize that it was going to be a BBQ, but thankfully Mum did, so she made me scrambled eggs and smoked salmon before I left. That was more than enough to fill me, and I can honestly say that I didn't feel tempted by the burgers, even though they smelt great. I was there with my sisters, and Curly had one. It looked lovely, but I didn't get hung up on the fact that I wasn't having one. Sometimes on occasions like that, the fact that I wasn't eating would play on my mind, but not last night. Other times, if I was eating, I'd be very conscious of eating too much. I'd want more, but be aware that I didn't want other people to see how much I was eating, or how many times I was going back to fill my plate. I know I could easily eat three burgers. And different sides, like potato salad. These occasions can be a massive exercise in frustration for me. Either I'm not eating, and envious of everyone who is, or I'm eating, and afraid to eat as greedily as I'd really like to.

The girl whose party it was, AM, is a cousin of mine, and she's asked me to sing at the wedding service. I'm always in two minds when this happens. I like a wee chance to show off, and I genuinely enjoy singing and playing the guitar for people, but I also get extremely nervous about it. Still, at least it's almost a year away, 07/07/17, so I have plenty of time to learn the two songs. Coincidentally, that's almost exactly the date I set to get to my target weight of 139lbs. I set a goal on Runkeeper and it keeps track of where I am, and what percentage of the loss I'm at. I set the goal on the 12th of June, and have lost fourteen pounds of seventy-five since then. I'm 18% towards goal. It would be amazing to be there, or at least very close to there by the wedding. I'd love to get something nice to wear, that made me look slim, because I'd actually be slim. So now I have not just a date, but a concrete event to work towards. More motivation.

A girl I know on Facebook was talking about her old blog yesterday. A  lot of us blogged when we were using Weightwatchers On Line, and now these blogs are going to be closed down as part of the changes that WW are making. She was wondering if she could still access hers. Someone posted a link, and through that, not only did she find her blog, but I found mine. It was really fun to read what I was writing three or four years ago. I was so full of hope that I was going to get to goal that time. I'd done so well. It's annoying that I let myself gain weight again. Still, I read a post on the !st of Jan 2013, and I was full of hope and motivation. I was 181lbs and I felt brilliant. That's not so very far from where I am now, so I'm doing well.

Apparently there's a way to save the blogs before they are deleted, so I must try that. I'd hate to lose it irrevocably.

Sugar cravings. Fear of loosing control.

I'm having a hard time staying away from sweets and chocolate today. It started yesterday. The box of sweets in my office, that we sell for charity, are an assortment of things, my faves being Jelly Fruits, Jelly Babies, Hard Gums and Jelly Meerkats. I love Liquorice Allsorts as well. Many days, I can cheerfully ignore the box, which is sitting on the cupboard, to my left, in the office. Not yesterday though. And I know that once I give in, I can rarely stop. It's something that, in the last few months, I've been able to keep a lid on. I saw two bags of Allsorts yesterday, and it's definitely part of my obsessive behaviour that I couldn't just buy one bag. I had to bag the two.

I did buy both. But then I couldn't get a reliable calorie count on 100g (one wee bag's worth) of the sweets. I ate one of the bags while I drank my afternoon coffee. Then, suddenly, I just didn't want to eat the other one. It actually surprised me. One bag was enough. The fact that the other bag was there, available to be scoffed, was nearly enough to make me eat it anyway, despite knowing that I wouldn't really even enjoy it. But I was able to hold off. I was almost in a "To Hell With It" mood. But thankfully I didn't quite blow my day as much as I'd been initially prepared to. I still ended up two hundred cals over, but it could have been worse. I ended up counting the sweets at 380 cals per hundred grammes, one of the higher estimates that I found. The annoying thing about those charity bags of sweets is that there's no bar code on the bags, so no way to scan the exact type to find an accurate cal count.

The feeling of being out of control, which I had for a while yesterday, came back in force today. The second, uneaten bag of Allsorts was still in my desk at work, so I ended up eating them quite early in the day. I have about 800 cals left to see me through. It should allow me to have a decent dinner, so long as I do the usual thing of steering clear of pasta or rice, and using spiralized carrots or grated cauli instead.

I think the moral of the Liquorice Allsorts is that I should stay away for sugary stuff, as it just induces further cravings for more. I should indulge myself in cheese when I have the free calories instead. It's far more satisfying. The fear of loosing control, and eating mega amounts of unhealthy, "empty" calories from the likes of sugar, is something that could send me spiraling into gaining a shit load of weight again. It's what's happened before. That way lies me putting back on all that I've lost, loosing even more of my self esteem, and getting into a funk of depression, which is where I was without even realizing it, before I started losing weight in March. I don't want to go back to finding it so hard to do something as simple as getting out of bed in the mornings. There were days on the weekends that I was lucky to get up before 5pm, and I certainly didn't leave the house. There were a few weekends when I didn't go out at all once I came home from work on a Friday after work, till I had to get the train again on Monday morning. How did I not recognize that I depressed? Anyway, despite being very slow on the uptake at the time, I definitely don't want to go back to that.

And guess what? Even just talking about that has made me feel better. I feel much more able to leave sugar alone for the rest of the day. Once I'm out of work, the danger diminishes considerably. This blogging lark's pretty useful :-)

Obsessed

I've weighed myself each morning this week, since I weighed myself on Sunday. It's not good. It has yet to be lower than Sunday's weight, so I don't know why I keep doing it. It does mean that I'm officially there. At that place in my weight loss that I always get to. Obsession-ville, thy name is Terry. I have a hard time reigning it in, especially when my losses are going well. And I know thy have to slow down at some point. A stone a month just isn't sustainable, nor is it healthy. But I've still got four stone to go, so it's difficult to tell myself that slower is better. Despite my healthy goal on Runkeeper to get to goal by the end of June 2017, clearly I'd rather get there sooner. A lot sooner. Like by the end of the year. I know, I know. Unrealistic of me. I'll try my best to be sensible. But it goes against my nature :-) At least the goal progress updates on Runkeeper when I enter my new weight each week. And it estimates when I'm likely to finish. Thus far, it's well ahead of the game. Cool!

My obsession is showing in other ways too. It occurred to me yesterday that I have two states of being where food is concerned. Wanting it or eating it. Nothing in between. If I'm not thinking about food, it's only because I'm currently having a meal. And even then, does that count as not thinking about food? I am generally thinking about what I'm eating! 

Other than clearly having so issues around food as a whole, I'm pretty healthy at the moment. I'm eating well and drinking more water. If I could just get more sleep, and exercise regularly, I'd be a regular paragon of health and fitness. 

Today's stuff

One of the things that I have found to save me serious calories, allowing me to stay more easily within my daily allowance, is to substitute big complex carbs, like rice and pasta, for vegetable alternatives. Instead of rice, I will grate cauliflower, and saute it in one cal spray oil. It looks a bit like white rice when cooked, and bulks up a curry or chilli. Or I will shred carrots into thin strips and use them instead of spaghetti. Both of these options mean my plate looks just ad full as TMM's, but has considerably less calories.

To make it easier to do the carrots, I have a peeler that shreds the veg into fine noodle-like thingies. It's always been very useful. But it's had a lot of use, especially of late, and it's done well for a very inexpensive kitchen utensil. It's on its last legs however. I bought a spiralizer and in searching for it, came across this....

Yip. It's a massive sharpener (unless I have the hands of a pixie {I don't, honest}) And it's for "sharpening" veg like carrots, so you can use the shavings as veggie ribbons. Very good idea, I think. I tried it out tonight when TMM made bolognese.

The ribbons were great, actually nicer for some reason, than the way I'd been doing my carrots previously. I don't know why, but they weren't quite as sweet this way. The sharpener was only a couple of quid, and was definitely money well spent.

A girl who I met on the Weightwatchers on line site has added me to a Facebook page which is made up of old and current WW members. It seems that the WW community website, which had a very strong social network side to it, is closing down. I think that's what's happening. I used it a lot in the two years that I was an on line member, so I'm sure there are many people who will be sorry to see it go. There are various girls on this new FB page that I'd never have spoken to if not for WW On Line, and I actually met up with a few of them. First, there were five of us who met in Edinburgh (one of us was Scottish, so it seemed like a good place to meet), having never met in the flesh before. Then the same five and a few more met in Belfast, since that's where I'm from. And while later, a few more met in Southampton. It was great to get together in real life, as well as on line. And to this day, I get support from these women, on line, now on this new FB page, but also through mfp, which some of us use. It's brilliant to have people in the same boat. We all understand the highs and lows of being overweight, and trying to lose the excess. I think at the moment, we might all be following different ways to lose weight, but the method doesn't matter, it's all about being there to share idea and feed back, and to offer encouragement. So points, or syns, or calories, or carb free, or paleo, or whatever, it's a very useful resource.

Talking to someone who's been through what your going through, or who is going through it at the same time is so helpful. I get the same buzz when I talk to BB and CB. They get where I'm coming from. Speaking of CB, he biked yesterday, as I said. I did not run this morning. I was a bold girl last night, sat up reading far too late, and couldn't make myself get out of bed this morning. Must do better. I haven't confessed to CB yet. Perhaps I'll get up in the morning and get a run in before I talk to him. The weather's shite, but that didn't stop me last week.  I signed myself up to a training programme on Runkeeper, to train to do 5k in under thirty minutes. It's an eight week training schedule, with three runs a week. I used to be able to do that pace (just. My best time was 28:45) but that was a few years ago. I should be able to get down to it again. If I could, I'd be able to go running with TMM again, and although it would be slower than his natural time, it wouldn't be too painfully slow for him.

And back to the subject of support, and people who understand weight loss and all the shite that goes with it, hopefully Penfold and Smiley and I will be going for coffee tomorrow evening. TMM is working late, so it's a perfect time to head out. He can sort out a light dinner when he comes home. (He never wants much after a late shift. It usually after ten o'clock before he gets to eat and that's too soon before bed to eat heavily) I can sort myself out before going out. It means I won't go to a coffee shop hungry, so won't be too tempted by all the buns and tray bakes. There's always plenty of food in the house at the moment, not I've got into a routine of ordering on line and having it delivered. So I can have something healthy. I make it a point never to order chocolate or sweets as part of the delivery, even the very high percentage dark chocolate. I don't want to make having that sort of treat too easy, both for me or TMM. If we want something like that, we have to make the effort to go out and buy it. So I'm not able to just eat crap on spec. I have to actually leave the house to get it. It makes me far less likely to do it.

I've had a couple of good days, food wise, but today I feel a bit backed up. My belly's sore, as if it's distended inside. I think I need to seriously evacuate my bowels. So on that note, I'll go give that a try. Till tomorrow then! Toodles.

Shocker!

I nearly had a heart attack. There was a comment on my blog! First one ever! Good grief. I almost died from the shock. It made me smile :-) Nice start to the week, despite the fact that my motivation issues are still in play, and I didn't go running this morning. I'm using my brain too much, not something I usually accuse myself of. I need to just get out of bed, and not think about it, get into the habit of getting up as soon as the alarm goes. I don't have to run each time. I can do a DVD or some body weight exercises. But if I set a precedent of awaking, getting out of bed and getting dressed straight away, I'll stop thinking about it and questioning myself.

Today I might have done no exercise, but I have blogged, so part of my more disciplined week is in action. CB and I text again, and he went for a cycle, so now I'm honour bound to run in the morning. My gear is all set out already. A five k is on the cards.

I spoke to Penfold, and we're going for coffee some time this week. We haven't seen much of each other since we stopped going to the class on Wednesday nights, so it will be good to get caught up. She says she's just not feeling the weight loss vibe at the moment. I know what that's like. It's the most frustrating feeling in the world to know you should do something, for the sake of your health, not to mention self esteem, but not have the umph to do it. For me, the self loathing that that leads to is totally self defeating, but hard to avoid. And the further into the cycle I slip, the harder it is to get out of. I get mired down and can easily end up wallowing. Thankfully for me, that's not where I am at the mo, but it's very much a "there but for the grace of God..." situation. So if Penfold and I do go out some evening this week, I hope I can gee her up a bit. I don't mean in a "you need to lose weight" sort of way, rather in a "feel good about yourself regardless of weight" sort of way. In a "get together, have a bit of craic and a laugh, and come away having had a good time for an hour or two" sort of way.

I did a clear out of a few bits of clothing. There are a few pairs of trousers that I love wearing, but they are much too big for me now, so they do nothing for me, so I had to be ruthless, and dump them. I was sorry to see them go, but delighted at the same time that they're going because I'm too small for them. It's not a problem that I mind having. I hope it continues.While I'm changing in size and shape, I will be buying cheap clothes. I will stick to getting stuff in ASDA. It would be daft to buy nice things, only to have to get rid of them in a month or two (hopefully) I'll save anything that I really want till I'm a bit smaller.

Food wise, today I was careful to ensure that everything that passed my lips was calorie counted. If I consumed it, I counted it. Black coffee? Zero drinks? Even they were added in. Did you know that the ASDA Zero Sugar Mango Crush has eight calories in a two litre bottle? Not everyone is going to drink all two litres, but I think I established a long time ago that I'm a hallion, so two litres of low cal liquid is a mere trifle to me. That eighty calories would soon mount up if I didn't count it. So even though the cals in a mug of black coffee are negligible (usually less than ten) I count every cup I have. I really want to lose four ponds this week, or at least three and a half, to get under fourteen stone, hence the obsessive food tracking.

And finally, my Dr Marten bag arrived. My reward for getting to four stone loss.

It's gorgeous! And enormous. I'd no idea of it's titanic proportions. But I love it. And it matches my green DMs exactly, so what's not to love. All I have to aim for now is the green Gretsch guitar when I hit 139lbs. That's a way off yet, but not impossible. Watch this space.

199lb

Well, that's a first. A whole week between blog posts. That was not my intention when I started blogging, especially on a week when I actually had a few things to say. Ah well, today is a new day. I will try to be more disciplined this week. Writing something helps to focus me, so it's a healthy practice for me to get in to.

I lost half a pound this week. I wanted to lose four. That was so I could get into the thirteen stone bracket. But half off is half off. To state the obvious, it's better than staying the same or gaining. And it means I'm still moving downwards. It's all good. And I have to bear in mind that I went out for food this week (thankfully on Monday, at the start of my weight loss week, so I had the whole week to make up for the overdose of gorgeousness that was my meal that night) I will set my sights on a four pound loss this week instead, and that's where my discipline efforts will come in useful. I really want to run a few times this week. So the aims this week are regular blog posts and a few runs. Simples!

The meal with BB and CB (my cuz and her hubby) was brill fun. I've had a yen for pizza for a few weeks now, maybe even a couple of months, and I've been putting off satisfying the urge because I knew that when I gave in, I truly wanted to splurg. So I wanted to really earn it. Since I'd hit the four stone mark, and TMM and I were planning to a have a meal with the guys anyway, we decided pizza would be a good choice. They knew a place that did massive pizzas, so that's where we headed. And this was the result...

24" of cheesy, spicy goodness! I've no real idea of how many calories were involved, but with that and the garlic bread as a starter, and the Nutella pizza (yes, you read that right, Nutella pizza!) there must have been at least (and I do mean at least) 1000. And as for Nutella pizza. What evil genius invented that??? Warm pizza bread, melty chocolate, hazelnut spread and a scoop of strawberry ice cream. I think I died and went to Heaven. Or orgasmed, one or t'other. I did suggest that some peanut butter would have made the whole thing even more perfect, but is that a step too far? I do tend to take things a bit over the line. Mmmm, pizza, choc spread and peanut butter. Excuse me a sec, while I just slip in to a coma of foody desire here :-)

When we meet up again, I think we'll do a Chinese takeaway with the guys. So that's the next unhealthy meal I'm looking forward to, and I intend to earn it too, so there will be no guilt involved, and I'll be able to eat whatever I want and enjoy it to the full.

And now, running. I went for a run this week! Yes, I finally did it. Five kilometers in forty minutes. Not fast, but no stopping either, so pretty good for my first run in over a year. CB and I were talking about exercise while we were scarfing our pizza, and he said he might go for a cycle. When we text the next day, neither of us had done it, so we made a deal to do something before the following day. We both did. He went out on the bike and I ran. It's a start. And I was very pleased with myself for doing it.

In conclusion, this weeks goals... four pounds off and four runs. I can do it.

199.6lb

Just shy of three pounds off and under 200lbs! That's a grin on my face you can see. The size of the Cheshire Cat's! I'm still in awe of how well this is going. With just four more pounds, I will be into the thirteen stone bracelet.  I have now lost sixty-one pounds in just eighteen weeks. 

I think, because it's still early days, I mean for months is nothing in the weight loss game, I still feel the fresh enthusiasm of a newbie. The results are still good and there's been no slump as yet, so it's easy to stay upbeat. I still haven't managed to go for a run. That's truly ridiculous. But I have to remind myself that if I really wanted to, I'd just do it. 

As far as food is concerned, I find some days easier than others. If I have a big breakfast, I find it harder to find something suitably satisfying for dinner, as I have less calories to play with. So the very light breakfasts and lunches of my normal working day are more comfortable for me. Today being Sunday, I had brunch. So I didn't eat anything until half past eleven. And I ate slowly, so I've only just finished. It was low fat sausages and eggs, nearly five hundred calories in total. That leave seven hundred for later. I'd actually like to only eat five hundred and leave a couple of hundred in reserve for tomorrow night's pizza, but I might find that too difficult. I have to be realistic. A thousand calories isn't very much, and dinner is hours away. I will probably be too hungry to only have 500. But we'll see. I've just finished a very satisfying sausage omelette. I shouldn't be thinking of more food already. That's part of my problem though. I can always think about food, regardless of how soon after my last meal it is. 

Anyway, I phoned Mum and she was delighted with my result. She's going to weigh herself in the morning, so hopefully she'll be happy with how she does this week too. And it's time to order the Dr Marten bag that she said she'd buy me. Wooo. I wonder if it's in stock in the shop in Belfast, of if I need to get it on line. Off I go to do some research.  

Quiet but I'm not bored

My fave running shoes :-) Will they ever get any use???

It's been a quiet week so far. "No alarms and no surprises." Despite being in the middle of surfin' the crimson tide, I don't feel especially bloated or heavy. That's a bonus. Another positive is that my new box of 120 XLS pills arrived today via the postal service (God bless it!) and they are a full three, maybe four days early. I'm very gad that I had them delivered to the house as oppposed to work. I was just getting to the point of having to eek out the remainder of the original supply, so talk about good timing. It means that I won't have to ensure that I hold over two for my pizza on Monday night with my cuz BB and her hubster. 

I'm in an extra good mood because my sneal peek (I KNOW, OKAY! I keep saying I'm not gonna do it, but I keep doin' it! It's a problem. Could I found "Sneak Peeks Anonymous?) and I was a pound and a half lighter than on Sunday. It doesn't always translate to the official weigh in, but it's in the right direction, so I can but hope. I really, really, really want to be under 200 pounds this week. It would be great to have achieved that, so I could use my pizza meal as a celebration. I'll be eating it guilt free regardless, I've no problem with eating something that's been off teh menu for over four months. Once in a blue moon won't blow my spectacular results. Just so long as I can steer clear of complacency, which has always been my major foe before. Well, that and boredom. I fully intend to save pretty much all of my day's calorie allowance on Monday forr my evening meal. I might try to earn some extra calories too, so I can go mad with the cheese and the spicey, meaty toppings. I've really thought about this too much, haven't I? Teehee. It's just a pizza, for cryin' out loud! :-D

So far this week, I have yet to go for a run. I kept promising myself that if there was one thing I would do on my week of, it woud be to finally get my cowardly arse out into the streets to run. I have been watching a couple of friends who use mfp log their runs with envy in my heart, but I've done nothing about it. I haven't given up thoug, there's still tomorrow morning. TMM has to get up uber early for work (he starts at 6am) which means he'll leave the  house at about 5.30. So I could get up then. The roads will be extremely quiet, with a combination of it being so early and a holiday week. So I'm really going to try to go to bed early tonight, then get up early tomorrow. Just a 5K trot, that's all I want to attempt. 

COME ON TERRY! GET YOUR CONSIDERABLY LESS FAT ARSE IN GEAR!!!

On my week off..

There have probably been three of four occasions in my weight loss history when I've genuinely started to feel "normal." That is, when I've felt as if I'm not quite fat enough to warrant a second look from strangers in the street, or when I've been able to look at myself in the mirror, especially sideways on, and not feel as if I'm a freak. This is definately one of those times. A new jumper arrived for me from Amazon* and in trying it on, I checked myself out in the mirror. I looked normal. Like a real person. I really liked myself in it. And then TMM tried it on. It wasn't massively too big for him. I mean, I'm actually starting to get into clothes that would look okay on him!

I can't wait. I'm so going to try on all his jeans and shirts as I get smaller. And he knows this. Better yet, he's okay with it. It makes him grin to see me so happy. And when I eventually do try something on and it fits me, he'll be almost as pleased as I am. He's brilliant that way. I know I bang on about him a fair bit, but as anyone who's ever had an unsupportive partner knows, it makes an amazing difference to be with someone who just wants you to be happy, and who doesn't see it as a trial to cook healthily for you. On a Sunday morning, when I come back from the bathroom, having weighed myself, he waits till I tell him the result. He doesn't push, but I know he's keen to know how I got on. Then when I tell him, especially if it's a big loss, he will put his hands on my waist (I'm usually still naked at this point, having just stood on the scales) and ask "Where'd it go? It's melting away!" I love him :-)

So yeah. I'm starting to feel "normal". And I love it. I can't help smiling. I am definitely walking taller, holding myself straighter, which in turn is making me look slimmer. It all adds to my increasinly positive self image.

I find myself caught in a bit of a vicious circle of my own making. A victim of my own success, if you will. I've done very well in the past four months. Lost over four stone (yes, I know, I've been very quiet about it. You might have missed that fact. Did you know I've lost over four stone in four months? Sorry, but I just can't say it enough :-D ) As I've written, I did the first three months purely though calorie counting, and using MyFitnessPal as a food database and food diary. It woked a treat, no doubt about it. Then I saw an ad on telly for XLS Max Strength and thought, "Hmm, I wonder if that would speed things up a bit." Basically, I got greedy and impatient, but it's so hard not to think like that when you've got at least eight stone to lose and you just want to lose it now!

I'd used the brand's product before. Not this one, but a fat binding one. And there was no doubt in my mind that it worked. If you followed the instructions, and stayed away from fatty food, it worked without unpleasant side effects and just encouraged you to eat more healthily. If you took the pills, and ate fat? Well, then it's your own fault if you couldn't fart without shitting yourself. And it wasn't nice shit either. Oily and orange. I know, because I did it deliberately one day to test it out. It was very effective, I can tell you from experience. I used to get really annoyed with the reviews I saw for the product that complained about the fecal incontinence, the smelly shite and the inability to fart without shitting (danger farts, as they're known.) It angered me that people blamed the product for these things. Had they not read the instruction leaflet that was in the box? All of these possibilities were very clearly explained. That's what the product did if you ingested fat. SO YOU WEREN'T BLOODY WELL SUPPOSED TO EAT FAT!!! That was the point!

Anyway, what was the point of this rant again? Oh yeah, my vicious circle. So now I've had a month on the pills, and it's been a month of further good losses, so I'm afraid to come off them in case my losses slow down. I thought, albeit very briefly, about not getting another supply of them. But I have to own that I sent to Amazon* for them last night. Yip. There's a fresh box on route as we speak. It's £47. And as I don't use them twice a day, since my lunches at work are usually too light to warrant it, the tub of 120 tablets, a month's supply if taken two with two meals a day, will last me nearly twice that long. If they continue to keep my weight loss accelerated at the present rate, they are worth every penny, and I'll only need them for possibly one more purchase after this one.

I could do it without them, but I want to keep losing quickly. Then, when I'm at my goal (or at least really close to it) I can come off them and just up my calories a little so I can learn to maintain.

Now that I've lost four stone, I'm getting a handbag from the DrMaten shop. It's a backpack satchel, and it matches my green DMs. I decided a couple of months ago that it'd be a great incentive to keep going. I was aiming for three stone off. But by the time I thought of it, I was already too close to three off, so I decided to wait to four stone. And here I am. It's not a cheap bag, so it's a hell of a prize.

I treated myself to some new jewellery recently. A friend of mine makes the most gorgeous stuff, and she takes commissions, so I asked her to make me a ring and earring set, something chunky, in sterling silver, with pink and green stones. After a couple of messages back and forth, and consulting on the exact stones to use, we decided on copper, wrapped in sterling silver, with rose quartz and peridot. Oh my goodness. I was so excited. I got a message within a day to say she'd made the earrings. My specially designed, bespoke, one of a kind, pair of earrings. Then a day later, I got a photo of the ring. She'd gotten all excited about having a new commission, and sat up all blooming night to make something.

As you can see from the photo, they are gorgeous, amazing, and genuinely unique. No one else has pieces like this. I know it's incredibly narcassistic, but I love that they were designed specially for me. So that's my wee treat to myself. What is it L'Oreal says, "Because I'm worth it." Well, I am!

The pic below is stuff she made for me previously.

She's really talented. Her stuff is brilliant. And I love treating myself to it once in a while. It feels really special. She's in the state Georgia (about fives hours behind me) and ships it all the way to me in Ireland. That makes it even more special. This is her FB page.

https://m.facebook.com/mixedmetalmedley/


*Other mail order companies are available.

A day off with TMM...

...and we did a good bit of walking. I suggested a run this morning. I hoped it would break me of my nervousness of getting out and about. He didn't fancy it however. He was up for a walk though, so we went along the coast for a bit and were out for over an hour. According to Runkeeper I earned about 400 cals for that.

A while later, we walked to a local shopping centre and back. That was over four kilometres round trip, and approximately another three hundred calories. All in all a good day of activity and now my legs are justifiably tired.

We ate at Costa while we were out. I hadn't had much this morning other than coffee and was feeling a bit nauseous after the exercise. I chose as sensibly as I could. It was definitely better to eat something, even if it wasn't going to be ultra healthy, than to continue feeling ill. My low fat flat bread and salted crisps came to less than five hundred cals. After a couple of tuna, mayo and sweetcorn wraps for tea, I used about two hundred and fifty extra calories today. Not bad considering I earned over seven hundred. I'm still five hundred cals in the green for the day. And feeling good.

With my coffee this morning, I had some dark chocolate and raspberry, which Mum got me from Lidl. It's been in the cupboard, taunting me, for s few days now. I hadn't enough cals any day since I got it, to try it. It's been driving me mad. So I had some for breakfast. Not sensible, I know, and the reason for my nausea later. But at least I practiced some restraint. I only ate half of it, not the whole bar.  So that's progress :-) But I didn't get it again. It's too nice and too hard to say no to.

I feel like my period is starting today, so hopefully it will be over before I step on the scales on Sunday.

202.4lb

A pound and a half. A good solid loss after the massive five pounds of last week. Am I disappointed that I didn't get below will 200lb this week. Well honestly, I am. Despite knowing that this is a great loss, I can't help wanting it to be more, to go faster, to hit the next milestone sooner.

I had a good look at myself in the mirror yesterday. The difference in just four months is amazing. Even my worst view of myself, side on, is considerably better. So much smaller. The difference that four stone and two pounds has made is immense. Most of my trousers are now much too big for me. I certainly have to wear a belt with all of them. 

I'm off work this week,so I'm going to take the time to clear out my wardrobe. I'm going to be ruthless and dump everything that I don't wear. My wardrobe is way too full and I don't wear the half of it. It will encourage me to only wear stuff that actually fits, which always looks much better. It means it will look at bit sparce for a while, but that's okay. Better that than my wardrobe toppling over with the weight of all the useless clothes. I need to get used to making do with clothes for a while anyway. While I'm getting smaller, there's no point in buying much, as I won't be wearing it for long. I'd like my final size to be a fourteen at most. That's considered large, especially for a woman of my short stature. But a solid, trim fourteen would be perfectly healthy for me.

An update. Finally.

I'm guilty again of not keeping this diary very faithfully this week. But honestly? I'm struggling for things to say. Everything is very much as it's been so far. I'm still managing, more or less, to stay within my 1200 cals per day. I'm still taking two of the fat-buster tables before my main meal, have been for a month now, and I still expect my weight loss to slow down at any moment so am trying to steel myself for that, when it happens. I don't want to get down hearted just because I can no longer lose a stone a month. But for now, I can't say that to myself enough.  A stone a month. Four stone in four months. It's pretty darn amazing. 

I will weigh myself tomorrow as normal and hope and pray that dinner at Mum's last night doesn't make me heavy. She made a gorgeous roast chicken and stuffing dinner. With loads of gravy and veg. Her stuffing and gravy are the best in the world! Who's Mum's isn't? And I ate far too much. Even though I'd used less than 200 cals during the day, I still finished over 150 over. That was one bad-ass plate of food! Amazeballs! Totes amazeballs!

Train journeys

It amazes me how weight loss affects so many aspects of my life. I say that even with the years of experience of being fat, then getting thinner that I have. It can still make me sit up and think when I realize that even my daily commute is very much changed by being a more healthy size. 

Something as simple and as basic as the size of my bum on the seats, especially the foldy down ones that are sort of the last choice. The ones that you can only use so long as there's no one in a wheelchair in need of the space.

Having to stand used to be a major concern.  It rarely happens on my train, but when it does, it's very crowded and uncomfortable.  And as a very overweight person, not only was I conscious of how much space I was taking up, I was uncomfortable to the point of pain. My back and my feet would ache and I would be praying for loads of people to get off at the first major stop, to free up a few seats. 

Last time the train was that full, I could already feel a massive difference in my comfort level while I had to stand. I was not entirely pain free, but certainly a lot closer to it than before. 

Annoyed with myself

I'm a bit pissed off with myself. Yesterday, a customer gave me a box of Dairy Milk chocolates, as a thank you, for getting a special tyre order for him. Now, I should tell you that Cadbury's are my favourite brand of chocolate, though that's not quite as true as it used to be, since Kraft took over and they no longer use Dairy Milk as their default chocolate. The Creme Eggs have changed because of that. They're no where near as nice. Still, even with that, I find chocolate hard to refuse. Come on, I mean, seriously. Especially free chocolate. I took them home, My genuine intention was to give them to TMM.

I ate my dinner. Lovely healthy baked fish, potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower. Then, with TMM out of the house, my strength of will broke, and I retrieved the sweets, fully intending to scoff them all. (I hadn't given them to TMM at this point, so I wasn't being a bitch and stealing them back) I started with my favourite flavours, strawberry and orange, I ate about ten of them, approximately 100g, at 515 cals. I had about 250 to play with, so I used twice that, and I'm really disappointed in myself. I wouldn't have deliberately gone over my daily allowance like that early in my mfp food tracking. I really don't want to get to the point where that is the norm, and I'm always having to earn back calories that I've over spent.

That is what I did today though. I redeemed myself slightly by eating a low cal dinner and earning three hundred calories on a walk afterwards with TMM. So I'm back in the green for the week. Hopefully, it's early enough in the week that the chocolate won't have had a negative effect on my loss this week. 

EXERCISE !!!

I am feeling guilty about not starting running again yet. I told myself I'd start when I got to sixteen stone, and here I am, fourteen and a half, and still no start to it. I keep making excuses... people will stare at me coz I'm still too fat... I didn't get to sleep early enough to get up so early... I'll hurt my dodge left knee. None of these things are insurmountable. I really just need to suck it up and get on with it. I know I'll be glad when I do. And if I want to run the Belfast marathon again next May, and do it under five hours (my first and only attempt took six hours, twenty-five minutes and eleven seconds, I'd like to better that by a good margin) then I'd better start running again soon, get up to par with the 5k distance, and work from there.

I feel as if I've gotten a handle on the food side of things at the moment (I can never afford to get complacent and say it's completely under control) so my lack exercise is letting me down. I'm aware that I can't be 100% perfect, no one can, and at least I've started going for a few walks with TMM, but I'd be a lot happier if I was doing a wee bit more.

204lb

Well, as much as I hoped to hit four stone off in four months, I genuinely didn't expect that I'd do it today! With a five pounds loss this week, I have now lost four stone half a pound, and still have a week of my four months left. I'm on cloud nine.

I'm especially happy with the loss this week as I had a lovely meal out with TMM and my cousin BB and her hubby. We ate a main course (the portion was a very generous size) and I decided to have dessert. I had sticky toffee pudding. It was lovely, though in retrospect, I question whether it was worth the calorie expenditure. Still, I ate every pick, and enjoyed it. I finished the day about six hundred calories in deficit. To put that into context though, that still means eating only 1800 calories in the day, which is still slightly less than the amount a woman requires to maintain her weight. (I used an on line tool to work mine out at about 1900 cals for a woman of my age and activity level.) So even a very bad day in terms of my diet at the moment is a good day at the over eating stages of my life. I ate a little less yesterday to make up for it a wee bit. 

I have been very remiss in my updates this week. I genuinely have not felt as if I have anything new to write. Everything has been very much the same. I stick fairly rigidly to my 1200 calories a day, I go over a little sometimes and try to make it back, eithe by eating less the next day, or doing a bit of exercise, and I worry excessively about not having a good loss each week. I still haven't started to do any real regular exercise, though TMM and I have gone for a few walks, which have earned me a few hundred calories. I have set my alarm early on a number of occasions, in order to go for a run before work, but it's yet to happen.

The most strenuous workouts I've managed to da so far are the Wednesday evening ones at the class with Penfold and Smiley. Last wek my abs didn't recover for five days! But it was a good pain. It made me feel like I'd really worked hard.

I've been taking the XLS tablets once a day, before my main meal, now for exactly a month. I started taking them on 3rd of June. It's impossible to say if they have aided my loss or done nothing. Certainly they do not seem to have impeeded it. I was 217.2lb when I first took them, so I've lost 13.2lb in those four weeks. Would I have lost that regardless of the tablets? It's a stone in the month, which is what I was already averaging. I'll never know. It was only a month's supply that I bought, but using them before one meal most days means that the supply has eeked out a bit. I haven't decide if I'm going to buy more, though let's face it, I probably will.