Adapting

This post is a bit waffly and introspective. It's about stuff that I've talked about before. Ad nauseam. It's about how I see myself, in actuality and in my head. I'm having a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror at the mo. That woman, who looks kinda normal, attractive even, cannot possibly be me! I know she is. She picks her nose and scratches her arse at the same time as I do. She has my eyes. But that's all I recognize.

It's happened so quickly this time, this transformation of my body. I don't really know why. Something clicked in my brain, using the calorie counting app worked effectively, I finally got my bum in to gear and started some exercise, and along with the total support of my gorgeous Main Man and family, I found camaraderie with a bunch of folks in the same position on t'interweb. A perfect storm, and here I am. Lighter and smaller than I've been for years. And while I love it (I can't tell you how much I love it) I'm terrified. I'm so scared that I'll let my control slip and end up back where I started. It's happened before. More than once. And it's unrealistic to think I won't have rocky times. No one can be perfect one hundred per cent of the time. How will I cope if I start to eat too much again, and start to gain? Will I be able to regain control? Nip any trouble in the bud? And why am I borrowing trouble? Why even think this way? Why not just be happy about my success thus far, and play the rest by ear? I think I just want to be ready in case the worst happens. Imagine how demoralizing it would be to be unable to fit into the new clothing I've bought. All those size fourteens that I'm so proud of. And the boots? No way they'd have fit over my calves before. I'd be more than gutted if I had to stop wearing them!

But, after all that, please don't think I'm complaining. If these are problems, then they are problems that I'm very glad to have. I just think I have to be aware that I need some time to adapt to the new me. My body needs time to settle into its new shape and my brain needs time to get used to seeing me as I now am. I just want to be aware of it all as it happens, so I don't start over eating again and mess it all up before I've had a chance to truly, fully become this sexy ass woman I see in the mirror!

164lb

It's no secret that I've been feeling fabulous recently. I haven't exactly been quiet about it. Well, these boots. Oh my God! I feel sexy as fook when I wear them. I couldn't help taking these pics. I feel all Sally Bowles in them. The Main Man, not so much of a fan :-) He calls me an S & M nightmare. Teehee.

They look amazing with a couple of my dresses.

I lost a pound and a half this week, and that takes me to a bit of a milestone. I missed the seven stone mark by a pound and a half still, and it's still three and a half to 100 pounds  off, but my BMI hit 30! I know that still sounds high. Well, that's because it is still high. But it puts me at the top end of the next "fat" band down. I am now officially merely overweight and no longer obese!!! I honestly think it's been at least ten years since that was the case.

TMM had to work for a few hours today unexpectedly. We'd been going to go out for breakfast, but decided instead that we'd go for a late lunch once he got home. It meant I'd rather hold off on my breakfast so I could have a big lunch, than have the eggy breakfast that I'd originally planned. I lay on in bed for a while, once he'd left, but I talked myself in to going for a run, so I could earn extra calories to have that big lunch. I did 10k, which earned me nearly 800 cals. That was enough for the burger which I ended up having.

I was pleased with that pace.I'd like to get to under an hour for 10k at some point. That would be a new low for me, and I think it's doable.

This week, I want to try to be very good. That 100 pounds  loss is beckoning.

165.4lb

2.4lb off this week, and given that I thought I might stay the same, I'm more than chuffed with that. I suppose the fact that I had two bloody periods (pun unintended!) last month didn't help my outlook. Still, there it is. A loss regardless. Excellent.

I thought long and hard about it, and I changed my goal on myfitnesspal. It was, as I've said before, 139lb, just enough to have my weight start with a nine stone something. As I creep ever closer to that figure, I see a few more bones starting to show through the decreasing blubber, and I wonder if I won't end up looking a bit scrawny at that weight. So I added fourteen pounds to it, and made it 153lb, or ten stone thirteen. I'll see how I look then. I can't deny that my vanity wants me in the nines. That's where BMI charts say I should be in order to be healthy. Actually, they say I'll be overweight if I'm over nine stone eleven, but sod them. I think they definitely need to be taken with a pinch of salt. A Dead Sea's worth of salt! My weight chart starts at about seven stone twelve! I'd look dead at seven stone twelve! But I'm sure there are some five foot two females who'd look okay at that weight, so we just need to look at each individual in turn, to see where they fit on the scale of these BMI charts. They are a guide, not an infallibale, definitive measure of perfection. Well, that's what I think.

The long and the short of it is (the fat and the thin of it?) I will see how I feel when I get to 153 lb. Which is less than twelve pounds away! Amazeballs! I do really want to be in the nines, but not if it makes me look ill. Anyway, could I possibly feel any better than I already do? I went walking with Mum yesterday morning and I felt fabulous, so energized and just, well,  fit. It's our Saturday routine if I stay on teh Friday night (which I do every other week normally. We get up early, go for a walk, somewhere between five and eight kilometres (three to five miles, in old money) which takes between forty-five minutes to an hour and forty-five. Then I shower as soon as we get home while Mum makes breakfast of scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Yes, I'm an almost forty-eight year old woman, and my mother still spoils me rotten. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Yesterday our walk was a whole two hours,

which Mum was pleased to find earned her nearly five hundred calories. She's trying to loose a few pounds before Christmas, and not finding it easy. But she's tiny! Only nine stone three. Mind you, she is the original five foot female. Literally. And possibly shrinking. Teehee. Thank God she's computer illiterate and will never read that! :-)  Anyway, we had our well earned brekkie and a good old yarn as we ate. Mind you, it's a wonder we still had stuff totalk about, we talked the whole two hour walk. I think TMM is glad it's Mum getting it in the ear for a change, instead of him!

This week I'll be watching my feet. I seem to be getting blisters quite easily just under where I have bunions. I've always had bunions. It's definitely genetic, and my granny's fault :-) I was never one to wear heels, or very tight shoes, so it's just a family trait. I'm lucky, in that they're not sore, just not pretty. So I need to make sure I either have plasters on when I run (I love Compeed!!!) or I will K T Tape my feet. I don't want my runs to be uncofortable.

I'm also noticing a bit of pain in my left breast. Not in the main body of the breast, but on the outside lower part, and usually if it's dangling when I bend over (not a pleasant mental image for y'all.) I have lost a fair bit of mass off my boobs as I've lost weight, and I wonder if it's sore because it's not getting enough support. The pain is hard to describe. It's not constant, and it feels sort of bruised? There's no disernable change in texture under or on the skin. So I am being careful to keep it supported (even in bed, where I never wear anything) and I'll keep an eye on it. I genuinely think the tissue is just a bit stressed. I'm going to a sports shop today, so I'll see about a couple of good sports bras too. The ones I have feel as if they locjk my boobs up like Fort Knox, but they are old, so new ones can only help.

It's still early in the day, so TMM and I are going to walk to the sports shop (half hour there and back) and probably go out for lunch. I love me a lazy Sunday!

I'm getting picky

1. Run                                       ✔
2. Drink water                        ✔
3. Eat less crap                      ✔
4. Get good quality sleep   ✔

So far today's check list is looking good. As to eating less crap, well, I've had a few sweets, counted and tracked of course. Some sugar free wine gums arrived for me today.

They are the sort that could cause some violent reactions in the old intestinal area, so I have to be careful. Also, while they are sugar free, they aren't totally low calorie. They are about a third lighter than standard fruit jellies. The Meerkats were 350 cals per 100g, these are 240 per 100g. A bit of a saving. But it defo pays to be aware that sugar free does not necessarily mean calorie free. It's not like a big bottle of DFM! And sleep wise, I managed about five hours, which is a step in the right direction.

Today's beginning was the polar opposite of yesterday's. I got straight out of bed at 5.30am, threw on my running gear and was out the door by 5.45. 6.5km later and I  had earned 500 cals and was feeling jolly smug. It was further than I'd intended to go. I headed out with just half an hour in mind. That wouldn't even get me 5k done these days, though I'm working on it. But I took a different route to the one I'd intended, and just kept going. Cool. It felt good.

Another way that this morning was different to yesterday was that I had a sneak peek and was two ponds lighter. All good news. I'm gunning for below 168lb. I'm gonna get below twelve stone soon!

I intend to do 6k tomorrow too, regardless of weather. I was disgusted with myself on Friday that I let the rain, albeit very heavy, put me off. I will start running regularly and frequently again. If nothing else, my sense of competition won't leave me alone. I don't want to fall behind BiberBabe and HelsBells! So I have to get my act together and run as regularly as my two muses do :-) And now I have Lou too. She runs in the Vibram shoes, and it's because I finally knew someone who's used them, that I got up the balls to try them. I got an email to say they should arrive on Thursday. I love getting new running shoes!

There also Viv. She's been consistency personified recently.  I'm trying for a bit of that.  All these cool folks who I talk to on Facebook and hear how they're getting on. It's amazingly motivating.

I'm really trying to motivate myself on the running front. I want to get up a head of steam and get into the habit of running before work again. I'd like to get three or four runs a week in. To that end, as well as new shoes, I've ordered more KT tape,  an armband holder for my phone and some calcium supplements.  Talk about geared up

As I get smaller, I find that I get a bit snobby about my clothes. Not labels, but size. I find that I won't wear stuff if I think it's too big or baggy. I want to show off my new shape. It's as if I've spent all those years making do with whatever I could sling over myself, and now that I don't have to, I won't. Today's choice of sartorial elegance is a pair of Size 14 M & S jeans. Yes. You read that correctly. Size 14! The denim is stretchy, so it's kind of a cheat, but I don't care. They hug my bum and feel good. I feel good. I think I look good too. Watch as my head swells with pride.

Lap dancing

Clearly this is not me. Ahhh, to have that figure! Some day my friends, some day.

I can't remember the last time I sat in my partner's lap. Just like making love with me on top, it's something that's gone by the wayside as I slowly got bigger and bigger, and more self conscious about my body, even in front of a man who clearly adores me. My body image is a weird thing. I have no problem being naked, regardless of size, (I mean really no problem. I will go downstairs after my morning shower and stick the kettle on to boil before getting dressed) but the jigggles, blubbery wobbles and flesh slappy noises embarrass me. Go figure! And as for sitting on his knee, no way Hose. I didn't want to stop the blood flow in his legs because of my weight.

Well, last night, intent on torturing me, in his usual loving way, TMM grabbed me as I went to leave the room, to go to the loo. Yes, this is standard practice in my house. He loves to be my torturer and I'm delighted to be his torturee. On grabbing me, he pulled me down on top of him as he sat on the settee and I settled in his lap. God! I hadn't realized how much I missed it! It felt amazing and I felt no guilt or discomfort as my weight settled on him. So the result of his torture? Hell slap it up him! He's made a rod for his own back now ;-)