Adapting

This post is a bit waffly and introspective. It's about stuff that I've talked about before. Ad nauseam. It's about how I see myself, in actuality and in my head. I'm having a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror at the mo. That woman, who looks kinda normal, attractive even, cannot possibly be me! I know she is. She picks her nose and scratches her arse at the same time as I do. She has my eyes. But that's all I recognize.

It's happened so quickly this time, this transformation of my body. I don't really know why. Something clicked in my brain, using the calorie counting app worked effectively, I finally got my bum in to gear and started some exercise, and along with the total support of my gorgeous Main Man and family, I found camaraderie with a bunch of folks in the same position on t'interweb. A perfect storm, and here I am. Lighter and smaller than I've been for years. And while I love it (I can't tell you how much I love it) I'm terrified. I'm so scared that I'll let my control slip and end up back where I started. It's happened before. More than once. And it's unrealistic to think I won't have rocky times. No one can be perfect one hundred per cent of the time. How will I cope if I start to eat too much again, and start to gain? Will I be able to regain control? Nip any trouble in the bud? And why am I borrowing trouble? Why even think this way? Why not just be happy about my success thus far, and play the rest by ear? I think I just want to be ready in case the worst happens. Imagine how demoralizing it would be to be unable to fit into the new clothing I've bought. All those size fourteens that I'm so proud of. And the boots? No way they'd have fit over my calves before. I'd be more than gutted if I had to stop wearing them!

But, after all that, please don't think I'm complaining. If these are problems, then they are problems that I'm very glad to have. I just think I have to be aware that I need some time to adapt to the new me. My body needs time to settle into its new shape and my brain needs time to get used to seeing me as I now am. I just want to be aware of it all as it happens, so I don't start over eating again and mess it all up before I've had a chance to truly, fully become this sexy ass woman I see in the mirror!