I'm having a hard time staying away from sweets and chocolate today. It started yesterday. The box of sweets in my office, that we sell for charity, are an assortment of things, my faves being Jelly Fruits, Jelly Babies, Hard Gums and Jelly Meerkats. I love Liquorice Allsorts as well. Many days, I can cheerfully ignore the box, which is sitting on the cupboard, to my left, in the office. Not yesterday though. And I know that once I give in, I can rarely stop. It's something that, in the last few months, I've been able to keep a lid on. I saw two bags of Allsorts yesterday, and it's definitely part of my obsessive behaviour that I couldn't just buy one bag. I had to bag the two.
I did buy both. But then I couldn't get a reliable calorie count on 100g (one wee bag's worth) of the sweets. I ate one of the bags while I drank my afternoon coffee. Then, suddenly, I just didn't want to eat the other one. It actually surprised me. One bag was enough. The fact that the other bag was there, available to be scoffed, was nearly enough to make me eat it anyway, despite knowing that I wouldn't really even enjoy it. But I was able to hold off. I was almost in a "To Hell With It" mood. But thankfully I didn't quite blow my day as much as I'd been initially prepared to. I still ended up two hundred cals over, but it could have been worse. I ended up counting the sweets at 380 cals per hundred grammes, one of the higher estimates that I found. The annoying thing about those charity bags of sweets is that there's no bar code on the bags, so no way to scan the exact type to find an accurate cal count.
The feeling of being out of control, which I had for a while yesterday, came back in force today. The second, uneaten bag of Allsorts was still in my desk at work, so I ended up eating them quite early in the day. I have about 800 cals left to see me through. It should allow me to have a decent dinner, so long as I do the usual thing of steering clear of pasta or rice, and using spiralized carrots or grated cauli instead.
I think the moral of the Liquorice Allsorts is that I should stay away for sugary stuff, as it just induces further cravings for more. I should indulge myself in cheese when I have the free calories instead. It's far more satisfying. The fear of loosing control, and eating mega amounts of unhealthy, "empty" calories from the likes of sugar, is something that could send me spiraling into gaining a shit load of weight again. It's what's happened before. That way lies me putting back on all that I've lost, loosing even more of my self esteem, and getting into a funk of depression, which is where I was without even realizing it, before I started losing weight in March. I don't want to go back to finding it so hard to do something as simple as getting out of bed in the mornings. There were days on the weekends that I was lucky to get up before 5pm, and I certainly didn't leave the house. There were a few weekends when I didn't go out at all once I came home from work on a Friday after work, till I had to get the train again on Monday morning. How did I not recognize that I depressed? Anyway, despite being very slow on the uptake at the time, I definitely don't want to go back to that.
And guess what? Even just talking about that has made me feel better. I feel much more able to leave sugar alone for the rest of the day. Once I'm out of work, the danger diminishes considerably. This blogging lark's pretty useful :-)
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